I made up my mind. No more. I am done. The anger and frustration had been building up and I came to a point that I just said, “Screw it. I am washing my hands of this all.” You see, during this whole process, I have been nothing up gracious, forgiving, and pretty damn good. Now, I am at the phase of screw it. Not going to do it any longer.
My therapist told me that this is good for me. I need to start building the boundaries up more and more. My friends tell me they couldn’t be as kind as I have been. Heck, even I surprise myself. So in my head, I committed to just stopping. With all of it. The praying, the forgiveness, the kindness, the putting a smile on my face, the “right” way to heal, the helping more in co-parenting than I really should be. What’s the saying? Good girls finish last. Well, that is how I am feeling. I am doing so much more than I have ever been given. Decision made. I am wiping my hands of all of this.
Over Labor Day weekend, I headed to church. But this time, I went back to the Catholic Church. I haven’t been for months. I had been feeling a disconnect to it. And I had been trying out another type of church community. For some reason, I felt compelled to go to Mass. At the first reading, I came to realize I was being talked to.
You deceived me, Lord, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me. Whenever I speak, I cry out proclaiming violence and destruction. So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long. But if I say, “I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name,” his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.
Romans 12: 1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sister, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Here I am sitting and I am on the verge of tears. And I think, huh. He would do this to me. Just when I have given up on all that I believe in, He comes whispering in my ear. And He doesn’t just stop at the first two readings. Oh no, He has to drive His message home in the Gospel.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?
Right then I knew. He is asking me to not give up. He is asking me to continue in this path. He is leading me on. He is asking me to bear MY cross. For Him.
I thought to myself, “but I don’t want to. I am so tired. From all of it. Bone weary tired. Exhausted to my soul. I really don’t know if I can keep it up. I mean, I really really don’t want to. I don’t think I can continue doing what I have been for the last couple years.”
Trust. Is this where I have to trust? Trust the process? Honestly, the person who I trusted the most broke me. I have never trusted God this much. Is this where I have to begin? Faith. Is this where I have faith? Faith in the words I read in the Bible? Faith in what I hear in church? Believe. Is this where I believe doing good is rewarding? Believing in the dedication it takes to be a Christian? Give. Is this where I give of myself even though they don’t ask me to? Is this where I keep on giving of myself because God is? Love. Do I try to love like Jesus did and does? Even when loving that way causes me distress and pain?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess I do.
I would wonder what other people talked about when God talked to them. The God whispers. Flabbergasted. Amazed. Jealous. Beause I never heard Him. Or maybe I didn’t want to acknowledge what He was asking of me. I know what He is asking of me now. And it is daunting. Because I know that it is going to push me. Push me to be more. Do more. Love more. To individuals that appreciate and to those that don’t care at all.
Christianity is a calling. It is acting and loving like Jesus on this dark and tormented world. It is not easy. It is not selfish. It is not convenient.
But it is a way of life worth living. I am called to continue.
So yeah. Yeah, I guess I will.