To the husband whose wife has depression, 

First of all, it’s already a blessing to your wife that you have chosen her to spend the rest of your life, even eternity, with. Depression is never a battle you’d want to face alone. So having you as her companion, either standing next to her or carrying her in your arms and being that support to her (sometimes, even literally), is a gift she may not always be vocally appreciative of. But trust me, she is deeply and unequivocally grateful for it. 

It’s no question that she has her “off” days when she just doesn’t know how to function. And to be honest, she’s just too exhausted and drained to even want to function. So you’re there waiting for her to wake up, or get out of bed. You wait until, at any moment during the day or when you finally get home from work, you get to see a smile form on her gentle, yet haggard, face. I say “gentle” because it’s a milder way of saying that she’s simply worn out to the point of not being able to show through her countenance that she still has the energy to fight another day, without ultimately breaking.

But you’re there. Patiently waiting. Even though you cannot and may never understand what she’s going through, you still try. You try, in so many ways, to love and care for her. To make her feel that she does matter, and she’s the most important person in your life, and all you care about is her happiness.

And it is weird, probably even frustrating, for you to hear from her that she feels guilty about it. She would tell you that she feels like a selfish person for taking so much from you, yet not giving as much in return. She feels terrible, yet she secretly yearns for help, although she will often not admit it.

There are times when she’s desperate enough to cry for help that she’ll give you subtle hints here and there. But she would hold herself back, fearing that she would be imposing on you. She feels like she should at least give it a try, to fight one or two episodic battles on her own. Why is that, you may wonder? Because, even in her weakest state, she still fights with all the emotions in her heart and mind and all those thoughts of torment creeping in and out of her head, telling her that she should gain or regain control somehow. But the disappointment and discouragement becomes all too real when the results end up betraying her desires.

She feels sorry, EVERY SINGLE SECOND of her life, that you have to go through this. You, her husband, an inherently happy person, who is now mired in the struggles and hurdles of a mental health victim. And for that, she feels like you’ve ended up her victim in a way.

It gets pretty strenuous, I bet, when you have those moments when you need her the most, and she can’t even be there for you because she’s too caught up with the troubles in her mind. It does feel like she makes everything about her. When will you also get the same care, love, concern, and help that you give her?

Honestly? She does not know the answer to that. She can’t even figure out how to help herself yet. She’s still in that deep, dark pit that is her mind. She may need you more than you will ever need her. She really needs you more. Even, and especially, during those times when she seems like she’s only pushing you away. That itself is a call for help.

So you stay with her, even when she says she wants you to leave. And when she tells you she wants to be alone, you give her the time and space that she needs. But usually, she just wants you to be alone WITH her. It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes having you next to her or just in the same room, sinking in silence is enough until she’s ready to break the ice.

She loves you with everything she is and with all her heart, every broken piece of it. And even though she may feel like she’s too damaged to love and be loved, too broken to be fixed, she still hopes that she’s enough for you. She wants to believe. And in those beautiful days when the darkness seems to disperse momentarily, she does believe and her hope gets stronger. That’s because you believed in her first. She needs that. She depends on that. She will have to continue to lean on your belief in her for now, until her foundation becomes strong enough to stand on its own. Just like how you’re pulling her out of that deep, dark hole, she will rely on you until she learns to climb back up the ladder on her own.

With everything you do for her and everything that you are to her, she’s forever grateful you’ve never given up on her. You are her light and her angel. Your love is what keeps her going. It’s what helps her get out of bed. You help her live each day. You help her want to live each day.

So when you think you’re not doing enough to make your wife happy or not depressed, remember all these things that make you the number one reason for her happiness, joy and eternal sense of purpose. Remember, she also knows that both of you are in this together forever. She will never give up on you either. You’re doing an incredible job.

Originally published on the author’s blog

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Irish Vreeken

I am a wife and mother of two cute and rowdy toddler boys, and another baby on the way. We moved to Utah from Hawaii 2 years ago. I am inspired to write about my very personal experience with severe and major depression and anxiety with the purpose of making others feel, especially moms like myself, less alone and that we can all support each other not only as mothers but as human beings going a human experience, and that there is always hope.

Children Don’t Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger

In: Inspiration, Mental Health, Motherhood
Children Don't Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger www.herviewfromhome.com

“This too shall pass.” As mothers, we cling to these words as we desperately hope to make it past whichever parenting stage currently holds us in its clutches. In the thick of newborn motherhood, through night wakings, constant nursing and finding our place in an unfamiliar world, we long for a future filled with more sleep and less crying. We can’t imagine any child or time being more difficult than right now. Then, a toddler bursts forth, a tornado of energy destroying everything in his wake. We hold our breath as he tests every possible limit and every inch of...

Keep Reading

I Don’t Have Anxiety—But My Husband Does

In: Health, Mental Health, Relationships
I Don't Have Anxiety—But My Husband Does www.herviewfromhome.com

I don’t have anxiety but my husband does.  We should have realized this years ago but we missed it. The realization came suddenly and as soon as it popped in my mind, it came out of my mouth. “You have anxiety.” I said. He looked at me trying to determine if I was joking or serious. “I am serious, you have anxiety.” His eyes left mine and found his phone. He picked it up and said, “Hey Siri, give me the definition of anxiety.” As the virtual assistant read off the definition she may as well have been reading my man’s personality...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Sure How Long I’ll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal…and That’s OK

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Grief, Mental Health
I'm Not Sure How Long I'll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal...and That's OK www.herviewfromhome.com

I tried to wean off of Zoloft and couldn’t. And that’s OK. I had never really been aware of the world of antidepressants. My life has been relatively uneventful—with the normal ups and downs that most of us go through. I knew people on medication for depression but never understood. How can you be THAT sad that you can’t just be positive and make the best of your circumstances? How can someone be THAT unhappy ALL the time to need medication? I didn’t get it. I felt bad for people going through it. Then my 2-year-old was diagnosed with Stage...

Keep Reading

To the Mom With the Anxious Soul

In: Journal, Mental Health, Motherhood
To the Mom With the Anxious Soul www.herviewfromhome.com

I see you, mama. You’re the one sitting alone at the family party. You’re the one hovering a little too close to your sweet babies at the park. You’re the one standing in the bathroom at work for just a moment of quiet. Your thoughts are swirling constantly, faster and more fearful that a “regular” mama. You find yourself spaced out at times, and hyper aware at others. You’ve heard the words “just relax” and “everything is fine” more times than you care to count. Sometimes you wish you could make everyone understand why you are the way you are...

Keep Reading

I Know You’re Exhausted, Mama—But Experts Say You NEED That Momcation

In: Mental Health, Motherhood
I Know You're Exhausted, Mama—But Experts Say You NEED That Momcation www.herviewfromhome.com

I waved as our old blue truck rolled down the road away from where I stood, planted on the sidewalk alone. There I was staring down my first solo stay away from my husband and sons, and the only thought I could muster up was what on Earth was I thinking planning a weekend to myself in the city?  Would my kids be okay without me? More like, would I be OK without them? The answer to both questions was of course, yes, but in that moment I couldn’t help but have doubt because, well, you know—”time off” doesn’t exactly...

Keep Reading

A Morning in the Life of a Mom With Anxiety

In: Child, Journal, Mental Health, Motherhood
A Morning in the Life of a Mom With Anxiety www.herviewfromhome.com

I wake up to the sound of my kids in the kitchen, the morning sun peeping through my window. I immediately cringe at the thought of having to parent today. And why? Because my anxiety and depression is so strong that I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I start thinking about all the things I need to get done, and then I remember that one child has baseball practice for two hours tonight. The other child won’t want to go and will pitch a fit. I roll over to get the sun out of my eyes....

Keep Reading

Our Daughter Hated School; We Finally Discovered Why (and How to Help)

In: Child, Mental Health, School
Our Daughter Hated School; We Finally Discovered Why (and How to Help) www.herviewfromhome.com

I wish we had clued in to our daughter’s generalized anxiety disorder a lot earlier then we did. It’s not for a lack of information available, it’s just that you don’t research it when you believe your child simply hates school. I mean our generation struggled with complicated friendships, PE class, and strict teachers too. Even our great-grandmothers had to survive the “mean girls”. So, our children will make it through, too, right? The problem is sometimes it’s more than just struggling to fit in; it’s a debilitating anxiety that leaves them feeling like they are treading in water over...

Keep Reading

What It Feels Like to Parent With Anxiety

In: Child, Mental Health, Motherhood
What It Feels Like to Parent With Anxiety www.herviewfromhome.com

When my second child was born he wasn’t crying. I immediately sat up in the hospital bed and asked the nurses what was wrong. “He’s fine. Everything’s fine.” But I knew they were lying. A mother knows, and my anxiety-ridden heart was in full-blown panic until I knew my boy was OK. He had swallowed some meconium and turned blue as he struggled to breathe. He had a rough start, but in the end he really was fine. My heart, however, was not. Having anxiety is hard. Having anxiety when you are a mom can be crippling. When you are a mom with...

Keep Reading

Divorce is Not God’s Plan A

In: Faith, Mental Health, Relationships
Divorce is Not God's Plan A www.herviewfromhome.com

Divorce is not God’s Plan A. How can it be? It violently tears apart two people God himself knit together. It rips to shreds the hearts of those who once stared into each other’s eyes and said “I love you”; it makes meaningless the words and promises of lifelong love, commitment and “death alone can part us”. One day there is love. Then, something deeper and stronger takes hold of that love and crushes it until it is dead. For me, that “something” was mental illness. It stole my husband. It destroyed my marriage. He was attending seminary to become...

Keep Reading

Please Don’t Forget About Those With Mental Illness After the Headlines Fade

In: Mental Health
Please Don't Forget About Those With Mental Illness After the Headlines Fade www.herviewfromhome.com

There has been a lot of news coverage about us lately. Everyone is talking about us. Everyone is putting us at the forefront of their programs and claiming they know us. We’re pretty popular right now. We’re trending as I write this. We are the 1 in 5. We are the sufferers and survivors of mental illness. Yet with all of the discussion surrounding mental health in recent weeks, my fear is that it will fade just like any other trending topic. I don’t want us to be the forgotten. I don’t want us to only come to light and...

Keep Reading