After I had Baby Smoosh, six of my friends and family members followed suit within the year. Of course, we compare children and share advice. And one thing has become very clear: I do not have an easy baby. On a weekly basis, glowing reports are smugly spewed from my mommy friends:

“Danny is finally sleeping through the night at 4 months!”

“She’s such a happy baby. She never cries. (Literally never. I stayed with the family for 4 days and the 2-month old never cried.)

“He loves those squeezy-pouch baby foods!”

“She takes two 2-hour naps per day. And still sleeps 12 hours at night.

And I smile politely, tight-lipped and seething. My eyes turn an even brighter hue of green with jealousy.

Baby Smoosh has slept through the night exactly twice. He still wakes up at least twice a night. He gets crabby easily and is loudly opinionated (a fun combination of Mommy and Daddy). He has never liked baby food. He is too much of a big boy to be fed by mommy. “Finger foods only,” he insists, smashing a spoon away from his face with surprising strength. “And I will change my flavor preferences daily to keep you on your toes.” He didn’t start taking naps longer than twenty minutes until he was 7 months old.

Consequently, I am exhausted and beaten down. Play dates have become frustrating because let’s face it, play date is code for ‘brag about how good my baby is’ time and I’ve got no material.

I do, however, have one friend with triplet toddler boys. They’re loud and destructive and I love them to pieces. We have frequent play dates where we drink wine and commiserate about our chaotic lives while we watch our boys shriek and smash things.

I love my Baby Smoosh so much it hurts, but being a mom to what the professionals call a “gifted” child is hard. You are sleep deprived with a constant headache. You dread the day your child learns to talk because he’ll probably debate you under the table.

So to all the Mommies with easy children: Count your blessings. Buy lottery tickets. You are so freaking lucky.

To the other Mommies who have strong-willed, independent children: Message me. Let’s be friends and drink wine.