An open letter to my son . . . 

Dear Ben,

I’m so sorry we are unable to give you the baby brother or sister you long for.

I so desperately wanted this for you, and it will always be one of my life’s greatest disappointments that we couldn’t provide it.

Still, we tried. Heaven knows, we really tried. For three long, agonizing years we have tried. You even have three siblings in Heaven to prove it. And who knows, maybe you will get to meet them up there one day.

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In the meantime, I simply want you to know that you are seen and not forgotten. We love you more than anything.

I would give anything to be able to rewrite this part of our story, but some things in life are simply not ours to choose.

It feels so sad that you won’t get to experience the kind of family life that your dad and I both had when we were growing up—a home bursting full of life, noise, fun, and chaos, and yes, even those constant sibling squabbles.

As your mommy, my heart breaks for you about this a little bit every day.

It breaks for every time I have to say no to a playdate when you’re feeling lonely, and for every bath-time you’ve protested because it’s boring splashing about on your own.

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It breaks for every time you’ve asked Jesus for a baby in your bedtime prayers, and each time I’ve found you in your bedroom teaching games to your toys.

And it breaks each passing birthday or Christmas when you’ve had presents to open, but without siblings to share in your excitement and enthusiasm too.

You would have been such a good big brother. You are kind and brave and full of affection.

Sometimes I really do wish we could just build a rocket in the garden and fly up to Heaven where Jesus lives to buy a new baby from Him as you suggested to me the other day. I only so wish it were that simple.

The truth is I really don’t know why God hasn’t answered your prayers and mine, but what I do know is that He loves you even more than I do. So I have to trust He will cover every gap in your life that I can’t fill as you grow up, and that nothing about this situation will thwart His plans for your life.

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Ben, you truly are our little walking, talking miracle, and we are so blessed to have you in our lives. I realize this now more than ever.

I am so very, very proud of who you are becoming, and so very grateful I get to be your mom.

Love you always,

Anna Kettle

Anna Kettle is an experienced Christian writer, blogger, speaker, and a multi award-winning marketing professional. Over the years, she has worked with a wide range of organizations, from government departments and household brands to churches and the not-for-profit sector. Her first published book, ‘Sand Between Your Toes: Inspirations for a Slower, Simpler, More Soulful Life’ releases in Spring 2021 under Tyndale House, and is available for pre-order now. You can also find her regularly blogging on issues close to her heart, including parenting, faith, creativity, social justice, and holding onto hope when things are hard at Anna is a coffee lover, bookworm, travel enthusiast, live music fan, a keen foodie, a gatherer of people, and a big believer in the healing power of words. She is married to her husband Andy, and mum to their son Ben (aged 5). They live in the beautiful waterfront city of Liverpool, England.