Child Loss Grief

A time of healing

A time of healing www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Erica Turner

 

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.” That’s how the saying goes right? This is exactly how I thought things would play out in my life, but you can’t always plan when those big milestones will exactly happen.

My husband (Tyler) and I got married this May and wanted to start having children right away. We both have steady jobs, we’re settled down, so that was the next logical step. After doing a lot of research, it seemed that on average it takes about eight months for women to get pregnant. So Tyler and I were more than excited to find out that we got pregnant on our honeymoon, only a week and a half after our wedding! I went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy and then only three days later I miscarried.

When I woke up Friday morning something just felt a little off. Without going into too much detail my stomach started cramping, I had a little bit of bleeding, and then noticed a clot of blood that came out. Nothing about this felt or looked normal and I knew I needed to go in to see the doctor. They drew my blood and told me to come back on Monday to get the results and do an ultrasound. I didn’t even need to go in to the doctor’s office to know that I wasn’t pregnant. That “feeling” was no longer there and I knew I had miscarried. Monday confirmed exactly what I already knew, my progesterone level was only at 15 and the doctor could not see a fetal sac from the ultrasound.

I had three days to prepare for what I already knew the doctor would say, but that didn’t stop my emotions from going on a rollercoaster ride. I went from being in hysterics when the miscarriage was actually happening, to calmness at the doctor’s office, to sadness at home knowing I wasn’t pregnant, then to anger because the pregnancy didn’t “stick.” I found it very hard to deal with the emotions, because one minute I would be fine and the next minute I would just burst into tears. It didn’t help  that I still had some of the pregnancy hormones in my body making it hard to control what I was feeling. I was most surprised that I was feeling so much anger. I was angry that my body didn’t/couldn’t keep the pregnancy. I was angry that I was so excited for this to happen and then it was gone so quickly. I was angry that I was going to have to start all over with the process and then worry about it happening again.

While I was only three days short of the six-week mark, it didn’t make the fact of losing a pregnancy any easier. The minute those two lines show up on the pregnancy test it is impossible not to have an overwhelming feeling of joy. My mind was instantly filled with brainstorming baby names, what color to paint the nursery, and researching what to expect during pregnancy. One thing I have learned from this situation is to be happy with where you’re at in your life and to know that God will make things happen when the time is right. I know that I am meant to be a mom and when that time comes I will cherish every moment of it.

About the author

Erica Turner

I recently married my husband, Tyler, on May 30. We live in Western Nebraska and have two energetic dogs, Bugs (German Shorthair) and Jax (Chocolate Lab). I am the 5th and 6th grade English teacher at Perkins County Elementary and am getting ready to start my first year as head coach for the Perkins County High School volleyball team. I stay busy helping on the farm (well, more like driving the guys from field to field), playing in women’s golf league, and just being outside.