By Lauren Benson 
As a mom of two boys and a past riddled with childhood trauma, mom guilt hits harder for me than most. I spend a lot of time wondering if my actions are parenting fails, and if they will be the topic of my kids’ weekly therapy sessions when they are in their 30s.
My mother lived most of my childhood in active addiction, and it wasn’t out of the ordinary for her to roll up to school pickup with a wine cooler in the center console Her addiction escalated quickly by the time I was 12 years old and physical and verbal abuse was so present in our house that DCF and guidance counselors were fixtures in my life.
My parents were divorced by the time I was a freshman in high school, and my mom lost custody soon after. She either didn’t show up to momentous occasions (i.e. prom, graduation) or she ruined them by showing up drunk and slurring insults to everyone she crossed paths with.
By 16, I had pretty much cut her out of my life. She would string some weeks of sobriety together, and we would reconnect, but she would inevitably relapse, and I would cut her off again. This cycle continued until I was 29 when she died from acute liver failure. This would be the catalyst for every parenting decision I would make with my unborn children.
So how do I break the cycle and keep from worrying myself into a nervous breakdown? I recap each day and ask myself these questions:
1. Did I tell my kids I am proud of them? I make it a point to celebrate all the wins, big or small. I make sure to say the words “I am proud of you for doing XYZ.” This was a big thing I missed out on as a child. And honestly, I have struggled with my own self-worth and anxiety about failure. Some of this is intrinsic, but most of this comes from the emotional support I did not receive as a kid. No child should ever have to prove their worth.
2. Did I make my kids feel safe? Not just physically, but emotionally. I will be honest here, I have to work on this every day. I am impulsive and emotional. More often than not, my initial reaction is not one that screams gentle parenting. But I work on this, hard. If they don’t feel safe enough to tell me the small truths, they will never tell me the big truths, which leads me to the next question.
3. Did I show my kids grace? Did I allow them to make mistakes and not make them carry the weight of those mistakes? Part of growing up is learning from your mistakes. When my 6-year-old is running around the pool, not listening to my warnings, and slips and falls, I don’t humiliate him. I feel strongly about natural consequences. The consequence is getting hurt. I told you so and reminding them of failures just enforces self-doubt.
4. Did I listen to my kids? Like really listen. Did I hear the excitement when they were talking about Pokémon or X-Box? Did I listen when they told me their feelings about something I did? Did I follow through when they told me not to do something? They might be kids, but their feelings matter, and I want them to feel validated. Making a child feel like they have a say builds confidence and allows them to advocate for themselves.
On the really bad days, and we all know there are really bad days, when I have missed all the marks and the mom guilt sets in, I apologize. I take accountability for the way I have made them feel. I acknowledge my faults and commit to doing the hard work, and then I model it. They have no idea, but working with them to break the cycle heals my inner child a little at a time—it’s the best gift I have ever been given.
by Julieann Selden 
by Laura Niebauer Palmer 
by Her View From Home 
