Feature Image Courtesy of JamesAnn Photography

If you have a TV, you’ve probably seen the State Farm commercial about the man that says he’ll never have kids and then nine months later, a baby arrives. Then, it’s never moving to the suburbs. Never getting a minivan and the list goes on and on. Every time the man says “never” the exact opposite occurs.

My life is much like that State Farm commercial.

Moved to the burbs. Check.

Had a baby. Check.

Got a minivan. Not so fast. I’m not ready to check that one.

Is never really never? Never can mean sometimes. Never can mean maybe. Never is never, nothing is nothing. In some instances, never is flexible, or the end all?

That’s my philosophical two cents of the day that barely makes Plato blink one of his cold, dead eyes. Never, is what you make it to be. With my adventures in baby land, the “nevers” are the “nows” and “musts” Here’s why:

Car Ride Nap Time
I never truly, truly understood why parents took their kids for a “car ride” when it was nap time. Why would anyone want to do that? Drive around to make their kid fall asleep, I wondered anytime I heard a parent say to their tired kid, “Want to go for a car ride?” I would NEVER do that as a parent.

I learned quickly, car ride = nap time. A magic trick parents use to get their little ones to snooze. And it works wonders. When my baby cannot sleep, and the old-fashioned rocking chair method fails, I resort to a car ride. When momma needs coffee and baby needs a nap, off in the car we go. We’re both happy with the end results.

Wipe Boogers
Oh, I’m never going to wipe my kid’s nose with my hands. Gross. Yuck. Never. Pre-baby, little boogers and snot had me gagging up my supper. Even baby drool turned my stomach sour. Post-baby, when I see that yellow stuff dripping from his nose and I cannot find a tissue, I wipe my kid’s boogers or snot with my hand or my shirt sleeve. If there is a rag handy or a baby towel, one clean sweep will take care of those pesky nuggets and snot rivers. But sometimes, the hand is faster. The method is not ideal, but less painful for the both of us (Ever tried to wipe an angry baby’s nose?). Desperate boogers require desperate measures. Don’t worry, I wash my hands on a regular basis. I do have a limit.

Feed My Baby Whatever
My baby is going to eat organic, sugar free, no growth hormone injected food and I’m going to make it all myself from the produce from my garden. Another pre-baby initiative in my head. The truth is, making baby food is simple. Steam some veggies and blend them to a smooth puree. It doesn’t happen every day and the carrots, turnips, and peas I use are a mix from a local farmer’s market, or from the frozen food aisle from the grocery store. It works, time permitting. But sometimes, it’s easier to grab premade, store bought Gerber’s peas and squash than make it myself. Or feed my little one food off of my plate. I’ve broken a parenting food rule or two; I gave my seven month year old bits of pizza, let him try ice cream, and fed him chicken spaghetti (his favorite!). He eats healthy, but I’m not on the crazy baby food train and I allow my baby to have bits of sugar and gluten.

Fancy Baby
Thou shall dress my baby to perfection. My baby will never look disheveled, but charming, posh, and put together. No stains on clothing. Caps and shoes are a must. Another farfetched dream! Babies throw up. Babies have leaky diapers. Babies pee through diapers. Getting a fidgety baby in a 20 button pantsuit with suspenders, is a magic trick. They squirm, cry, crawl away, and fight during dress-up time.

And, that moment after wrestling your screaming baby for the last fifteen minutes to fit him in that super cute Sunday three-piece outfit with matching shoes and sailor hat – he poops….all over that outfit.

Go with the onesie. It’s much easier.

Kate Hula

Kate Hula began writing as soon as she could hold a crayon in her hand and has been hooked with words, writing and storytelling ever since. By first grade, Kate completed her first novel, The Butterfly Catcher, with several other grade level masterpieces that only her mother has seen. Her writing ambition brought her to the University of Nebraska- Kearney where she graduated with a degree in Journalism while working part-time at a local television station. As time progressed, Kate moved to Lincoln and found the one thing she wasn't looking for, love. She met her future husband at a cheesy 80's cover band concert and her life changed forever. While balancing married life and a full time job, Kate has just enough time to do what she loves the most, writing. Follow Kate's hilarious and unconventional blog, the vaultuncensored.com, about life as a thirty-something year old woman among a world of debauchery, annoyances and every day oddities that make life a little more interesting.