During a moment of sadness last week, my lively and joyful toddler voluntarily sat with me on the couch, holding hands and snuggling for a good hour. This brought comfort and happiness to the situation. At that moment, I realized sometimes our kids need us, sometimes we need them, and sometimes we need each other at the same time.

Kids need us. From the moment they enter the world, infants express their needs through tiny (or loud) cries. Toddlers need lots of cuddling as their brains try to comprehend black, white, and all the colors of the expanding world around them. They need to feel safe, and we know this when their faces light up when they see us. Sometimes the safe shows up when they run to us at night fearing a “scary witch” in their room. They need us to help with imagination clarity and to remind them that fears are mostly in our heads. A lesson we teach, yet a lesson for us too.

As our children grow, they enter the world of big feelings, right from wrong, and the rules of life that follow. I remember one of my boys would get so mad or frustrated and after a screaming fit, he would say, “I need you to just hug me.” There are moments when they need us to engage in play for reconnection, and other times, they just want someone to listen, whether it’s about a crazy dream or a random story with no specific point or end.

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As I enter the tween years with my oldest, the needs are changing yet again. He needs me to let go, but not with both hands, yet. He yearns to show us his maturity and responsibility, yet relies on our expectations and the life lessons we allow him to experience, along with our gentle guidance. Big emotions emerge again but hit at random times. On certain days, his mind is filled with words he’s eager to share while on others, he stays completely silent and stares out the car window.

There are moments when it’s clear he’s facing challenges, whether he’s storming off to his room or by random tears rolling down his face in the safety of my presence. I need to be aware and step into those moments when I don’t feel needed. I still cherish the small things he needs. “Mom, aren’t you going to close my bedroom door and tell me goodnight?” Of course, I will.

Sometimes we need them. In the thick of winter, changing seasons of life, and my career, I’ve been wrestling with the challenges that come with these shifts. I’ve had to be deliberate about silencing the noises around me (social media, the go-go-go mindset, and do less talking and more listening). As a result, I see what is right in front of me. The four little blessings I get the honor of raising. Sometimes I sit and watch them jump on the trampoline together or have Nerf wars. One of my favorite moments was when I looked out the window at my 3-year-old simply sitting on the bench outside with the dog, swinging his leg and eating an apple. These are the simple joys of life. It grounds you. Clarity often comes when your mind and heart are relaxed, allowing you to notice things that might have been overlooked during busy times.

Simultaneous needs: a beautiful dance. Bedtimes are a time of chaos. It’s like herding wild cats. No one wants to listen, they need another snack, a cup of water, that random toy they haven’t seen in a month, another story, or to tickle their back exactly how you did it four nights ago. You know, the list goes on. I start feeling the anxiety very quickly.

I have two choices, I can raise my voice and join the circus, or I can be their calm. The nights I choose calm, as tired as I am, end up being the best nights. I will read the extra book or tickle their back one more time, and during that time, they will tell me stories about their day, and I’ll get a sincere “love you” as I shut the door. I go to bed with peace those nights. I need that. This is the beautiful dance of simultaneous needs.

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Navigating the dance floor. When big feelings are present, give a hug and just hold them. When you feel the anxiety building up over a stressful moment, breathe, turn off the noises you can control (TV, radio, your phone), and do one thing at a time in that moment. There are moments when we simply need to connect with our kids on their level, collectively pause, take a deep breath, and share our thoughts one at a time.

When you’re going through a tough time in life, whether it’s feeling blue, dealing with stress, or navigating a transition, I encourage you to turn off all the noise. Engage in a game with the kids or simply watch them play. These are the moments that help refill your cup.

We all know life is busy. We can easily get caught up in the hustle. I have realized that we get one chance at this, and the older I get, the faster time goes. When I feel the anxiety of mothering and chaos around me, it’s now a cue and reminder to take a quick check. Someone needs something at that moment. Is it them or me?