By Kimberly Keys 
We were fortunate when we adopted our first child. Just months after we completed our home study, our sweet baby son came home. About 15 months later, we decided we were ready to attempt to adopt again. I remember the day I dropped our updated family profile book for expectant moms to review.
Our social worker at the adoption agency told me, “You know you had it easy the first time around. It’s not going to be easy this time.”
I knew she was so right. We were lucky. I figured we would wait a few years. What I didn’t know is that when we matched again about four years later, we’d never bring home that baby because the expectant mom would change her mind after giving birth.
When we were matched, we tried to be very cautious about getting too excited. Our son was five at the time, and we made it clear to the few people we told about our match that no one was to tell him we had an adoption match. We would much rather surprise him with a new baby than tell him he was going to be a big brother and have it not work out.
Although it was two years ago, I remember the day we found out we were not going to be bringing home that baby girl. I was waiting for my son outside of preschool pickup, chatting with a friend who knew about the adoption possibility and that the baby was due any day. I got a text from our social worker telling me she was so sorry, but the mom had given birth and changed her mind about adoption.
I turned to my friend and said, “Oh. I just found out the mom changed her mind.” I then tried to hold in tears, because my son would be let out of preschool any minute. Thankfully, our sons started running around together when they got out, so we could talk a little bit. My friend had adopted both of her children and knew the uncertainties on the journey.
Eventually, it was time for both of us to get our kids home for lunch, and I had to update the people I’d told who were wondering when the baby was coming home that there would be no baby joining our family.
Unfortunately, some of the responses I received were not the greatest or most supportive. These are things not to say after a failed adoption:
1. “That was so cruel of the birth mom.”
A mom who matches for adoption is not a birth mom. She is not a birth mom until she decides to sign the adoption papers after birth. Every potential adoptive parent knows there is a chance the expectant mother may change her mind. An expectant mother who does not sign the adoption papers is not a bad person. She is a mom who decided to parent her own child, the one she carried and loved for nine months. Even with all the pain I felt from the match falling through, her pain would have been far greater had she gone through with the adoption plan.
2. “Be thankful for what you have.”
We are fortunate that we have one son we adopted five years before our failed adoption attempt. While I was grieving the loss of his chance of a sibling, family and friends told me I should be thankful for my son. That was a hurtful comment; anyone who knows me well knows how thankful I am for my son. He’s my whole world.
I can be thankful for my son, and also sad that he doesn’t have a sibling. The people who told me to be thankful for my son all had at least two children of their own. My son had been asking for a brother or a sister for a couple of years at that point. My dream of my son finally having a sibling was crushed.
I know families who had adoption matches fail when they did not have a child yet, and that is incredibly hard as well. Before we adopted our son, I often felt sad, wondering if I’d ever get to be a mom. Family and friends who probably thought they were well-meaning told me to be thankful for what I had then as well. A frequent comment I heard was, “You should be thankful for your husband.”
It’s also hurtful to tell a couple who doesn’t have a child to be thankful for what they already have. A person can be thankful for their family and friends and other things in life and still desire to be a parent.
3. “There’s another child for you.”
No one can predict if someone will have a child, whether through adoption or pregnancy. Some people do end up with a different child after a failed adoption attempt. Not everyone does, though. We’ve been trying to adopt a second child for six years. When I feel sad, I tell myself our journey isn’t over until we decide not to renew our adoption home study. However, I also know the point will come when we won’t renew, whether or not we have another child.
4. “It will get easier with time.”
When we found out the expectant mom had changed her mind, it was very hard. I was trying to keep a happy face for my son. I was thankful I had cooked and frozen a lot of meals in case the baby did come home, so I didn’t have to worry about cooking for a while. It was hard to get through the first few days.
As time went on, I stopped thinking about the baby every day, but that doesn’t mean I ever forgot her.
I remember her when my son asks for a brother and a sister (he’s asking for both now), and think about how there was a chance at one point he would have had a sister.
I remember her when we get together with one of my son’s friends who has a younger brother born in the same month she was. I think about how she’d be playing with our friend’s brother while the big kids race around.
At the beginning, I prayed for her and her mom regularly, that they were doing well. From time to time, I still do pray for them.
From a day-to-day perspective, yes, it is easier than it was right after we found out we wouldn’t be bringing the baby home. However, I doubt I’ll ever forget her or stop wondering what life would have been like if she had joined our family.
If you know someone who has an adoption that fails, it might be hard to say the right thing. Truthfully, there isn’t a lot you can say to make it better. If you’re struggling with what to say, stick with a simple, “I’m sorry you are going through this.”
