The Sweetest Mother's Day Gift!

How My Queer, Christian Daughter Inspired Me to Be a Better Human

5 Minute Read

By Shelby Spear

Mother and daughter — Image via Shelby Spear

“I was 15 years old and was afraid of going to hell, losing my family, and losing God. I questioned my worth and was scared to death of people finding out.”

Can you imagine hearing these words as a parent, knowing your child was bearing the weight of such overwhelming burdens alone?

Sadly, I don’t have to imagine. My daughter spoke these exact words to me as she explained what it was like for her to suffer in secret and silence about her attraction to the same sex.

“I prayed every night for years that God would change me.”

Listening to my daughter express her pain busted me in two. Walking barefoot on broken glass would have felt better than realizing she was drowning in fear of being rejected and abandoned because of who she is. Words can’t describe the soul ache of knowing my kid felt in desperate need of being fixed to feel worthy in the eyes of God and her family. The loving and accepting environment I thought we created for our kids was now in full question.

RELATED: UNL Athlete Shares Story of How Football Players Responded to Him Being Gay

We certainly loved our kids like maniacs and always told them they could tell us anything. But, when it came to the prospect of being a queer kid growing up in a Catholic Christian family, the environment wasn’t safe or accepting enough for my daughter. And I’ll take that regret to the grave.

But what I’ll also take to the grave is a heart full of gratitude for the countless gifts that these brutal truths awarded me. Thank you, Jesus.

RELATED: Motherhood is Learning To Trust God With Our Kids

My daughter, Kahrin, and I recently hosted a live webinar (see below) with a few family and friends to discuss some of these gifts along with the heartache and struggles we’ve had to contend with.

We share her coming out story from both of our perspectives, followed by a deep dive into four significant takeaways from our journey as mother and daughter:

Let your kid come out when they are ready
Create a space where diversity is normalized
Your child’s sexuality journey is about them not you
Immerse yourself in the LGBTQ+ journey and lifestyle

We learned many lessons from our experiences over the past six years since my daughter came out. However, the overarching message we both hope everyone hears is that LOVE is the answer to everything. LOVE is the ultimate truth, and LOVE always wins. We just need to let LOVE do what LOVE does.

Thank you, Her View From Home, for sharing our story. Thank you, daughter, for making me a better human.

xo
Shelby and Kahrin Spear

Resources

Email Shelby: shelby@shelbyspear.com

Email Kahrin: [email protected]

Organizations

The Naming Project | A faith-based youth group and summer camp

Mama Bears | Supporting, Educating, Empowering Moms of LGBTQ Kids & the LGBTQ Community

Serendipitydodah | a blog sponsored by the MAMA BEARS ORGANIZATION

Harbor | An Online Support Program for Christian Parents of LGBT Kids

Beloved Arise | a movement to celebrate and empower queer youth of faith

Blue Babies Pink Plus | digital resources for the faith & sexuality conversation

Evolving Faith, Sarah Bessey and Jeff Chu

The Trevor Project | Saving young LGBTQ lives

It Gets Better Project

Freed Hearts | Freeing hearts to love and be loved

Free Mom Hugs

PFLAG | provides support, information, and resources for lgbtq+ people, their parents and families, and allies

GLSEN | Championing LGBTQ issues in K-12 education

GLAAD | Accelerating acceptance

OWL (Our Whole Lives)

Transmission Ministry Collective

Non-fiction books with Christian perspective

God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships

Love Is An Orientation, by Andrew Marin

Us vs. Us, by Andrew Marin

Torn, by Justin Lee

Does Jesus Really Love Me? A Gay Christian’s Pilgrimage for God in America, by Jeff Chu

Facing The Music, by Jennifer Knapp

How We Sleep at Night, by Sara Cunningham

Changing Our Minds, by David Gushee

Bible Gender Sexuality, by James Brownson

Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians, by Austen Hartke

The Queer & Transgender Resilience Workbook: skills for navigating sexual orientation and gender expression, by Annelise A. Singh

Resources on lists for LGBTQ teens:

GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning Teens, by Kelley Heugel

Queer: The Ultimate LGBT Guide for Teens, by Kathy Belge

Trevor Project 2020 LGBTQ harrowing statistics

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2020/

Articles:

‘IT BREAKS THE HEART OF GOD’ SAY FAITH LEADERS ON LGBTQ YOUTH SUICIDE RATES

Has “Homosexual” always been in the Bible?

Seven Gay Texts: Biblical Passages Used to Condemn Homosexuality

Penny in the Air: My story of becoming affirming by Sarah Bessey

Recommendations in this post contain affiliate links. Her View From Home may receive a small commission if you choose to purchase.

So God Made a Grandmother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Order Now!

Shelby Spear

A self-described sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, and love enthusiast, Shelby is a mom of 3 Millennials writing about motherhood and life from her empty nest. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don't need to say, "I'm fine.") , and you can find her stories in print at Guideposts, around the web at sites like Her View From Home, For Every Mom, Parenting Teens & Tweens and on her blog shelbyspear.com.

Soon There Will Be No More Breakfasts To Make

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen

Ten boy eating breakfast at kitchen counter

T-minus 44 days until a new beginning- Math has never been my strong suit or my favorite subject, but it will be about 19 years spent rising and trying to shine in our house. Nineteen years of prepping one, two, or all three of our sons to get up and ready for school. Nineteen years of making breakfast. Nineteen years of making lunches. For those of you in the thick of it right now, you know exactly what I mean. I think my husband Steve and I have it down to a science now. If we had to do it...

Keep Reading

I’m Learning To Let Go of What Was To Embrace What Is

In: Faith, Grown Children, Motherhood

Family of four standing out side in fall

I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night a lot lately. Heart pounding. Mind racing. Ever been there? The house is still, but my thoughts are loud. One night, I finally whispered in the dark, “Lord, what’s this really about?” In His grace, He showed me: I’ve been bracing for a season that’s quickly approaching. One I haven’t exactly welcomed with open arms. They call it the empty nest. I’m a mom of three boys. For over two decades, my life has revolved around carpools, ball games, grocery runs, and Mount-Everest-sized laundry piles. It’s been loud and messy...

Keep Reading

Dear New College Parents: It Gets Easier

In: Grown Children, Motherhood

Dorm supplies are center stage at Target, ready for college students and their parents to find with ease as they try to make a dorm room feel like a haven. For the first time in eight years, I do not have a child returning to a “home away from home” on a college campus. In many ways, I find peace with this knowledge; I mean, it is stressful to get a college student and all of their campus possessions moved into a new place during the hottest part of the summer. But in some ways, I find myself a bit...

Keep Reading

I Want His College Experience to Be His Own

In: Grown Children, Motherhood

College boy looking at large building on campus

Back in the day, when I applied for college, my options were limited. By geography. By my GPA. By my ACT score. I didn’t have the accolades that my college-bound son does to make the decision process as difficult as his was. A recruited athlete. A national merit scholar. A rock-solid ACT score. Not bound by us to any geographic region. All the things. I share this not to brag, but rather to paint the picture of the incredible options he had to choose from. And let me say, the decision-making was brutal. It started with ruling out most of...

Keep Reading

I’m Watching Him Become the Man I Prayed He’d Be

In: Grown Children, Motherhood

Mom with arm around grown son, view from back

It’s been a hard day. One of those days where everything feels loud. We are renovating our house—it’s time. Actually, it’s way past time. The amount of time that makes you wonder how you lived like this for so long. Twenty years ago, I bought a refrigerator I found on Craigslist for $200. The icemaker didn’t work. The water dispenser was purely decorative. But I babied that thing through two decades of family dinners and midnight snacks. Same with the stove. When my son was three, he climbed upon the stove to retrieve a ball I had confiscated earlier that...

Keep Reading

This Bridge to Empty Nesting is So Bittersweet

In: Grown Children, Motherhood

Long walking bridge leading toward ocean

Motherhood. A tremendous, all-encompassing role. One that takes a great deal of energy, time, heart, and soul to do it justice. When you’re raising a child, you become so immersed in their world: babyhood and the exciting firsts; toddlerhood and tantrums; preschool and playdates. Elementary and middle school years are packed with homework, after-school activities, and carpooling. And finally, high school, with its greater autonomy and nerve-wracking firsts, such as driving and staying out late. The years pass simultaneously quickly and slowly. Next thing you know, you’re helping your young adult prepare to fly from the nest. We teach our...

Keep Reading

I’m Falling Into the Goodbye Hole

In: Grown Children, Motherhood

Mother and grown son standing outside smiling for photo

When I first became a mother, I never wanted to leave our firstborn, ever. True story: the first time my husband and I went for a dinner out, we ate as fast as we could, only talked about the baby, and wondered why we had left him with a sitter. We rushed back in 45 minutes, much to the sitter’s surprise. She looked stunned and thought to herself, “These people have to get a life!” That was the first goodbye, and now that our boys are in their 20s, the number of goodbyes keeps piling up. Saying goodbye is one...

Keep Reading

To My Grown Kids, These Are My Promises to You

In: Grown Children, Motherhood

If I could have known what was to come when you were little, I would have written this then. But here we are. You are 22,19, and 16. They say the terrible twos are a hard age? Ha! That’s nothing compared with the adults (or near adult) who are looking at me now! Here’s what I would have said then, and what I still vow to you now, more than ever: First, what I can’t promise. I can’t promise it will be easy or that I won’t make mistakes. It won’t, and I will. I can’t promise you everything you...

Keep Reading

I Waited My Whole Childhood for a Dad

In: Grown Children, Living

Like so many kids are, I was raised by a single mom—the kind of woman who always put her kids first and did her absolute best to provide everything she possibly could for us. She worked 12-hour days to keep a roof over our heads and spent her last pennies ensuring our birthdays and Christmas were times to remember. Sometimes she chose not to eat so she knew we would have enough food for several days in a row. She was a superwoman! But she was lonely, and as I grew up, I noticed it more and more. Then one...

Keep Reading

Dear Senior Mamas, That Smile Is Worth It All

In: Grown Children, Motherhood

“One, two, three! Say, ‘Cheese!’” About two months ago, senioritis was so ripe in our home you could smell it. The pressure was thick; everything felt like a countdown. One more AP test, one more meeting, one more honors ceremony, and then he’s finally done. In all of that brilliance, this mom realized she hadn’t scheduled senior pictures for her precious firstborn. Thankfully, he entertained me amidst his exhaustion. During the session, my son was so tired, and I was so desperate to get THAT smile. You mamas know the one. The one they gave you when they first rode...

Keep Reading

Good, Long Distance Friendship is Hard But So Worth it

Friendship

Good, Long Distance Friendship is Hard But So Worth it

Dear Middle School Girls, Make Your Mistakes But Remember Who the Real You is

Teen

How My Queer, Christian Daughter Inspired Me to Be a Better Human

“I prayed every night for years that God would change me.”

RELATED: UNL Athlete Shares Story of How Football Players Responded to Him Being Gay

RELATED: Motherhood is Learning To Trust God With Our Kids