Trigger Warning: Discusses self-harm and suicide
One year ago, my piece about starting my anxiety medication was published. After struggling with anxiety and depression for over 20 years, I have finally been able to truly live for the first time this past year, and I am so thankful I found the courage to start medication.
Many things that are easy and normal in day-to-day life for many, I could not do before anxiety medication. I struggled to drive. To go into the grocery store, or any store, alone. Leaving my house was a struggle.
I also struggled with debilitating depression, and I am here today, a loving wife, mother, sister, and friend because of antidepressants. One year in and my life is so profoundly different.
I had my first day without excruciating depression since childhood in August of last year. A day when I felt real joy. A day when life wasn’t perfect, but I could smile and feel true happiness and joy and gratitude for being here. My doctor told me that’s how people without depression always feel, and I am to this day shocked that I went my entire adult and teen life not knowing that feeling.
I can now drive without anxiety. I can drive in the city, something I could never do before. I can go into grocery stores without my husband and not have a mental breakdown. I can drive to new places, explore new parks, and take my kids on adventures without PTSD and crippling fear. I can now meet new people and do new things without severe IBS and sweating uncontrollably.
In one year, I have sold a home, moved out of the state I’d lived in since I was seven years old, left everything I knew behind to give my family and myself opportunities I couldn’t have given us before medication.
For the first time since age 15, I have gone a year without suicidal thoughts. A year of not crying full days, praying for the end. A year of no chest pain and no panic attacks. A year with no thoughts of self-harm.
One year of being able to live my life and feel the joy and the struggles without the constant pain and the wondering of how I could survive another day.
This year has not come without struggles. My children have had health problems and health scares. My husband has had health problems and mental health struggles. My marriage has been tested. I gained more weight than I’d like. Our family moved across the country, lived in a hotel for three months, bought a new home, and said goodbye to many loved ones.
I’ve had to go no contact with people I love and care about. My family is struggling financially more than we ever have and the weight of that is heavy. I have cried, I have been sad, I have wondered what tomorrow will bring, and struggled to trust that God knew what He was doing. This year and every year will not be perfect.
I’ve had my fair share of heartache and trials this past year. But I can see God’s hand in my life and feel hope, and that makes the struggles much easier to bear. I am able to find the joy and gratitude even in the hard. I laugh daily. I can truly enjoy my children and play, hug, and laugh with them every day. I can support and love my husband through his own mental health struggles, and it doesn’t feel as hard to carry as it once did. I can relax and not worry. I can sleep through the night and fall asleep without anxiety.
I can live life—the good, the bad, the hard, the beautiful—without wanting to take my life. For the first time in my life, I am alive and so very happy to be.
A year ago today, I wrote about my first day of taking that little white pill to hold me accountable, and I am here today to write about it, and it has changed my life beyond what I ever imagined.
If you are struggling and need help, it’s okay to take the pill. It’s okay to try and see what happens. It’s okay to give up on the hours and hours of research for a natural treatment and try something you didn’t want to try. It is okay to need medication. It doesn’t have to be forever. But if it’s going to save your life right now, please talk to your doctor and find the medication that works for you to find the joy in your life. You deserve it.
If you can’t find the strength to ask your doctor like I couldn’t in the beginning, I started with For Hers, and its all from the comfort of your home. You can do this, mama. I see you, and I am rooting for you the whole way.
Information included here is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
by Binky Bell 
by Courtney Devich 
by Kelley Spencer 
