Just when I feel like all of the walls I could possibly hit have been hit, I crash into a new one.
Mama, I’m tired. No, sorry, let me start over. I’m exhausted.
There is a weariness that has settled in. And I’m trying to fight it. And I’m trying to push past it. And I’m trying to put a name to it, but I just can’t seem to get there.
I wake up in the morning and settle into the routine with my family. The kids all get ready for school 2020/2021 style, which means a cute shirt on the top and pajama pants on the bottom. My husband heads to his “office”, aka my son’s room to work, usually in an outfit much like the kids. The kids go into their rooms to learn.
And I begin the daily routine I have fallen into.
My list each day is usually the same: laundry, workout, work, schedule appointments, clean something or other, and tackle some other odds and ends that have been sprinkled in.
I change from pajamas to workout clothes and then back into pajamas again. Some days the only workout that happens is actually changing into the workout clothes, but hey, that’s a start. There are many days when I don’t brush my hair, and washing my face is starting to be kind of hit or miss, too.
Mama, I’m not trying to depress you. I’m just telling it how it is.
I have fallen into some kind of pandemic rut.
I am still struggling to make decisions. Should the kids participate in sports? Or should they not? Should we see my parents with the things we’ve been doing? Or should we not? I feel like I am in a constant state of decision paralysis. I will receive a text about a sleepover for one of my children, or one asking if they are signing up for something. And I just don’t know what to say. Are they? I’m not sure. Can I get back to you on that one? Because I. Just. Don’t. Know.
Maybe it’s the colder weather. Maybe it’s the gray skies. Maybe it’s the fact that we are on day who even knows of being at home. Or maybe it’s the fact that we don’t get out of the house much. Ever.
I don’t know what it is. But in this moment, I am tired. And I am weary. And I am also grateful.
And that is what I keep coming back to over and over and over again during all of this. Weariness and gratitude have become my mantra. I feel both. I live both.
I feel the hard. I see the good.
There are days when my heart is so full from the time spent at home with my family. I am energized and excited for another free day to tackle what comes my way. And there are other days when I can’t make decisions and I just want to head out the door without thinking about anything even remotely pandemic related.
I know we will get through this. I know we will come to the other side. I know there is good happening all around me. But I also know there are days when I am just plain exhausted. And ready for this to be over.
If you have felt even remotely similar, I want you to know it’s OK. It’s OK to say you are tired. And that you just need a moment of silence. It’s OK to want to take a break. Or be by yourself. Or to put on some makeup and head out the door.
It’s OK to admit you don’t feel OK in this moment.
One day we will come to the other side of this, but right now we are living it. And sometimes we just need to be able to say, I am struggling. I’m exhausted. I have hit a wall.
And that’s OK.