All I can do is make it to church today. It was the final thought that shut the door on all the other thoughts this morning.
The thoughts that said I don’t look good enough. I should put on makeup. I should wear something nicer. I should find a way to paint my nails without them getting smudged up from holding a baby before they dry.
The thoughts that said I am not doing good enough. I should have made supper last night. I shouldn’t have used that glass pan that shattered in the oven while trying to steam bake bread this morning. I should have been able to clean it up myself instead of letting my husband deal with it while I took the baby.
The thoughts that said I am failing. I should be a better mother. A better wife. I should be more grateful. I should have a stronger faith and trust God more. I should be a better example to my family.
I fought back the tears yesterday. But this morning, I let myself cry in the shower. My brief time alone . . . until the baby started crying. And then we howled a duet until my husband came to the rescue and picked up the baby.
But who would pick me up and hold me close until I felt better? With two kids constantly between us, I was lucky to get a five-second hug from my husband once or twice a week.
Motherhood is hard. Maintaining a marriage while momming full-time is challenging. And even with so many voices in the house, it is easy to feel lonely and isolated.
Sometimes, life is chaotic. And all I can do is accomplish one thing on my endless to-do list. Sometimes, I struggle with depression. And all I can do is hang on a little longer until it gets better again. Sometimes, I don’t get to talk to my husband all week. And all I can do is try to put him before the kids on the weekends in seemingly little ways that are actually quite challenging.
Life gets complicated when you have a family to take care of. It can be hard to find the time to take care of yourself even in basic ways. Especially when you already feel like you are not keeping up with the needs of the rest of your household.
When you feel overtaken by life or by your emotions, sometimes you have to weed out all those extra little things that you used to think were so essential. You have to get back to the foundation and just do that one thing that matters most.
This morning, I could not do a lot of things. I could not finish baking my bread. I could not clean up the messy house. I could not put makeup on. I could not even cry in the shower without several interruptions.
But I could do one thing. And that one thing was the most needed, helpful, calming, freeing thing I have experienced all week. All I could do was make it to church today.