It is said that after you settle into autism and with more experience, your worries turn to wonder. You start to let yourself worry less and just wonder about things instead.
Well, I can honestly say I am not there yet. I worry all too often about everything with Kyle. We are still very new to this journey and have a lot more to learn. Kyle was diagnosed at age two, and ever since then, my worries have definitely outweighed the wonder. To worry means to give way to anxiety and to feel its strength on your heart and mind.
Every day my heart is heavy with worry and my mind is dense with fear.
To wonder would be a wonderful thing. To be able to ease my mind and soul and to just let life surprise me with its uncertainty and unexpected trials. To be able to wonder would mean to be OK with what the future holds for Kyle and my family. I am not so sure I am there yet.
I worry if Kyle will talk.
I worry if he will be accepted by his peers.
I worry he will live with us forever.
I worry he won’t make a friend.
I worry he won’t be able to take care of himself.
I worry if there is someone to help care for him if I happen to leave.
I worry about if I am making the right choices for him.
I worry about his feelings and him not being able to express them to me.
I could go on forever with worries. Worries are what keep me up at night. So for now, all I can do is tackle one thing at a time and hope and pray that one day my worries will slowly start turning into wonder. Until then I will envy those who are past this stage and be empathic for those who are still in this stage alongside me.
Originally published on the author’s Facebook page