What if My Worry Never Turns To Wonder?

It is said that after you settle into autism and with more experience, your worries turn to wonder. You start to let yourself worry less and just wonder about things instead.

Well, I can honestly say I am not there yet. I worry all too often about everything with Kyle. We are still very new to this journey and have a lot more to learn. Kyle was diagnosed at age two, and ever since then, my worries have definitely outweighed the wonder. To worry means to give way to anxiety and to feel its strength on your heart and mind.

Every day my heart is heavy with worry and my mind is dense with fear.

To wonder would be a wonderful thing. To be able to ease my mind and soul and to just let life surprise me with its uncertainty and unexpected trials. To be able to wonder would mean to be OK with what the future holds for Kyle and my family. I am not so sure I am there yet.

RELATED: When Autism Came Into Our Lives, I Wish Someone Had Said “It Will Be OK”

I worry if Kyle will talk.

I worry if he will be accepted by his peers.

I worry he will live with us forever.

I worry he won’t make a friend.

I worry he won’t be able to take care of himself.

I worry if there is someone to help care for him if I happen to leave.

I worry about if I am making the right choices for him.

I worry about his feelings and him not being able to express them to me.

RELATED: Life With Nonverbal Autism is Often a Guessing Game

I could go on forever with worries. Worries are what keep me up at night. So for now, all I can do is tackle one thing at a time and hope and pray that one day my worries will slowly start turning into wonder. Until then I will envy those who are past this stage and be empathic for those who are still in this stage alongside me.

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page

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Alicia Kiechle

My name is Alicia. I am a proud mother of two amazing kids. I have a beautiful daughter named Morgan who is 7 years old and I have an energetic son Kyle who is 4 years old. Kyle was diagnosed on the autism spectrum and is currently nonverbal. Kyle has opened my eyes to a whole new world and a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Love needs no words!” I am also a Reading Specialist in an all-inclusive elementary school, and I have taken on the role as the autism advocate and coach within the building. I started this group because when my son was first diagnosed at the age of two, I had no one in my life who could understand what I was going through until I found a few autism blogs online that changed my life. So, in return, I want to help other autism parents like myself by sharing our journey, so they don’t feel so alone like I did at first. I want to help teach everyone to always choose kindness and to “Be Kind For Kyle.”