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My dear sweet child, you truly are my world. We have not been with one another long, but I honestly don’t know how I ever lived without you. You have brought so much love to our family unit, and your dad and I are so proud to be your parents. Your soul is one of God’s greatest masterpieces.

I cherish every second I get with you, but the truth is I worry a lot.

Your disability makes me think a lot about your future. It’s daunting to think about the moments you will find yourself in a situation that lacks grace. I often wonder what adulthood will look like for you. Will you make friends? Will you find love? Will you have kids of your own? These thoughts cascade through my mind as I watch you struggle through development, and my heart aches not knowing what is to come.

I am constantly wrestling with the rights and wrongs of parenthood, and the disability makes those decisions even harder. I want so badly to protect you from all the disappointment this world brings, but I know I can’t shield you from it all. There are days my heart breaks over and over again, as I watch you grapple with daily challenges, and I know there is nothing I can do to help.

Then, as I lay in bed with you at night, I watch as you hang onto your stuffed animals. The beautiful scene is like food for my soul, and for just a brief moment I find myself treasuring these memories and pondering them in my heart, just like Mary did with Jesus.

I wish the world could see you as I do.

Your unique mind sets you apart from the ordinary. You are filled with intelligence as you explore the world around you.

Your beautiful eyes illuminate gentleness, and your personality can only be described as one which is filled with wonder and beauty. If anyone ever needed proof of God it would be that such an imperfect person, like me, could bring such a glorious soul into this world. Over the course of the last three years, my love has grown immensely for you. Your autism diagnosis was so hard for me to accept, but over time it has opened my heart up to a deeper love than I could ever imagine.

I pray that when the time comes for me to release whatever little control I have over your life, that you are filled with the confidence only God Himself offers.

I pray that each bitter moment you experience in life will be just that, a moment. Not a moment you ponder in your heart, but a moment you push out of the way, as your press through to your next destination.

The amount of time I get with you will be for one small season of life, my sweet daughter, so I promise to stop worrying so much. I promise to take in all the joy. I promise to be intentional. I promise to ponder on all the joyous chaos of motherhood.
I promise you, I will make every moment count.

You may also like:

Motherhood is Beautiful Chaos

Apology of a Special Needs Mom

I Carry Him

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So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Lindsey Carson

Lindsey Carson is a christian mom blogger that spends her days chasing babies and chugging coffee. She was raised in New Mexico and holds the Zia Symbol close to her heart as she learns the ins and outs of east coast living. She enjoys writing about her adventures in motherhood, marriage, and redemption at www.lovefaithandtonsofgrace.com.

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