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Ever since I was a little girl, playing house and dressing up baby dolls, I dreamed of being a mom. Motherhood was something that I’ve always desired. When my husband and I married in the summer of 2013, I knew that someday soon we would be having children, and my dreams would come true. I would get to sport a big belly, and shop in the maternity section at stores. I would get to decorate a nursery, and buy cute little human clothes. I’d get to snuggle a sweet little babe every night before going to bed, and wake up to the precious giggles of a newborn. Everything I’ve ever wanted was in reach. 

My husband and I got pregnant in May of 2015. To say I was ecstatic was an understatement. Nervous for the unknown yes, but ecstatic? Completely. We actually found out while we were vacationing at Disneyworld. It was magical, and the happiest place on earth had become even greater. Weeks went by, and I ended up miscarrying at around 7 weeks. Though we had only known a few short weeks, I had grown to love that little human growing inside of me more than I thought possible. I had already made plans in my head of the future, when all too soon it was cut short. My baby was taken from me. We went through a very difficult time over the next few months, grieving the loss of our little one and trying to find the answers to all of our questions. 

Eventually, on December 23rd, 2016 two pink lines appeared, and the journey was starting all over again. Immediately fear crept in and I couldn’t help but worry that history would repeat itself the second time around. With each week that passed, and with the notice of my ever expanding belly, I began to feel confident that this baby was going to be okay. I felt peace as time progressed and was thankful for every day that our little one was closer to being full term. I had a pretty good pregnancy, other than the typical queasiness in the first trimester and exhaustion by the end, and for that I was thankful. I spent those nine months researching all the latest baby gear, organizing and decorating his nursery, taking pictures of my belly, and praying for a good delivery. It was such a thrill, I could not wait. All my childhood dreams were coming true.

Looking back now, I think subconsciously I put all my hope in my baby. I felt that I was going to be complete once he arrived, and that life was suddenly going to be so much better. I thought that having this baby would help solve relationship issues with my husband. I thought that having this baby would bring me a sense of identity and purpose. I thought that having this baby would bring me overflowing joy and that my heart would finally be fully content. 

Well, September 9th, 2016 came and little Josiah David finally arrived. Seeing his face for the first time was one of the most incredible moments of my life. I’ll never forget when they first placed him on my chest, and I heard his tiny cries and felt his body shake and his hands clench up. I loved seeing his wrinkly skin, and his patchy hair. I loved holding him, and feeling how weightless he was, and having to be so gentle and careful with him. It was a love like no other. And it still is. 

Days after his birth the crying fits began. He would cry and cry and cry; it honestly felt like that was all he did for the first couple months. Suddenly my husband and I saw each other a lot less, and we were arguing more, about silly things, but still arguing nonetheless. We were both tired, and worn down. My son did not solve our relationship issues; having him just magnified them even more. But God has, and God will.

I ended up getting done my job and becoming a full time stay at home mom just recently-another dream of mine. I always thought staying at home was my purpose. Now that my reality consists of changing diapers, doing laundry, feeding the baby, doing dishes, feeding the dog, and changing diapers, I often feel a sense of valuelessness. I know that this is the enemy trying to defeat me, however it’s me being honest with you. I do sometimes go through days where I do ask myself, what is my purpose staying home? What is the value in me giving up my job, and my every day adult interaction, when I didn’t have to? My son does not always provide me with a sense of identity and purpose. But God does. 

I thought having a baby would bring me days full of nothing but joy. While those days do happen most of the time, often I am left with a sense of discouragement. I see through the lens of the mundane life. I see dishes, and laundry, spit up and poop, and crying; lots of crying. My days are not always pretty like the movies. My son does not always provide me with overflowing joy and happiness. But God does. 

I say this all to tell you that babies can’t fill the void in your heart, there’s only one person who can, and that is Jesus Christ. He is the only one that can provide the eternal joy that we long for. He’s the only one that can show us our true identity and give us the ultimate sense of purpose that we crave. He is the only one that can heal our relationships and bring light to the darkness. Babies are great, and my son is my greatest blessing and I love him passionately and without reserve, but God is the only one that can truly satisfy my hearts desires. He is constant, while everything and everyone else here on Earth is not. Only His love and His joy is forever, and never wavers. 

When I choose to put him first, above my husband and above my son- that is when I find true contentment. That is when I find true peace. The Father gives good gifts to those who love Him, and we should Love him more than we do those good gifts. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

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Bonnie Ashby

I am a wife of three years, to my high school sweetheart Isaac. We have one child, a son, Josiah who will be three months next week. We live in what we like to call potato country, a small town in northern Maine, next to the Canadian border. Isaac sells lawn tractors for a living, and is our church's youth worship leader as well. I have recently just become a stay at home momma, fulfilling a long time dream of mine. I am passionate about writing and seeing Jesus move through the power of his words through me. I long for his kingdom to come, and my desire is to be a part of that.

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