“You won’t understand until you walk a mile in my shoes” is more relatable now that I’m a mother. As a child, teenager, or young adult, you never quite understand your parents’ decisions because you’ve not walked in their shoes. Kids can grow resentful and be angry or sad at rules and even think they hate their parents, but as you grow into a parent, you begin to understand the decisions they had to make for your safety and well-being. Your empathy begins to stretch and grow in every direction like a rubber band.
It’s easy as a child—and especially as a teenager—to think you know better. Now I understand my mother was doing the best she could with the knowledge and resources she had. She gave me a curfew and my angsty teen self didn’t love it. She wouldn’t allow me to drive the car past a certain time and I didn’t understand her reasoning. She asked me to watch my sisters or drive them somewhere and I didn’t understand my mom just needed some extra help that day.
Memories of choices I’ve made are like pages of a book being flipped through one by one, each bringing back a flood of emotions. But what makes these memories particularly poignant is that I’m looking at them now through the lens of motherhood—and I can’t help but see them in a new light with a fresh perspective that only comes from being a mother.
Having a child changes who you are, but it’s also changed my relationship with my mother. She’s no longer just a mother—she’s a grandmother. Some feelings of resentment and anger have been reshaped to fit the parameters that come with being a mother. Now that she’s a grandmother, we’re closer, no longer the parent and oldest daughter, but a grandmother who loves supporting her grown daughter’s evolution into motherhood.
As a parent, making hard decisions comes with the territory. Sometimes feelings are expressed so strongly that they fill all the corners of a home and indecision fills all the chambers of your heart. You can instinctively feel you made the right choice, but it’s a long road ahead to see the reward.
As a grandmother, my mom is more relaxed. She laughs more. I see the crease in her cheeks, like lines on a map, become more pronounced as the smiles grow more frequent. The difficulties of parenthood don’t weigh her down, and she’s able to immerse herself in the joy and budding growth of her granddaughter. This allows me, as her daughter, to reflect on our past, but also to let it go and take the opportunity to grow together as a family.
Grandmothers are a great addition to any family to offer guiding support. They’re also a great sounding board. They’ve already done the hard part, and while you might not make the same decisions they did, you can learn from their successes and mistakes to improve your own choices as a parent. This is your chance to give them some credit because they raised you and went through the roller coaster of motherhood.
My mother relishes spending quality time with her granddaughter without the added responsibility that comes with being a parent. She takes pleasure in making small decisions, like which candy to savor while bonding with her grandchild. Occasionally, they pass the time together by sinking deep into a cozy couch and watching a movie. Other times, they wander through Target aisles. My daughter thrives in the presence of her grandmother, who showers her with love and attention. As a mother, it’s my turn to shoulder the responsibility of making more challenging decisions.
As a grandmother, my mother is flourishing and I’ve never seen her so content or settled into a role. Our relationship has changed over time, but it just goes to show that it’s never too late to change the dynamics.
by Tania Lorena Rivera 
