I can remember as a child seeing an old house with broken windows and wondering what happened. I’m sure when the house was new all the windows were shiny, clean, and perfect so that you could see in or out easily. Then as the years went on the house aged, or maybe a neighbor boy hit the window with a ball, a tree branch fell or some other accident happened. It may have been intentional or it may of just been life happening. But once the glass in the window is broken into a million pieces it can’t be put back together, not even with glue. However, if you are careful you can fix the hole with wood or another piece of glass. Sometimes it’s easy and works the first time, other times it takes numerous attempts. Many times it takes patience to find the right person to repair the hole.

I relate those broken windows I remembered as a child to my life now. My life started as a new window shiny and bright. However, after my son, Tyler’s accident I have feelings that are so hard to explain. I feel like my life was broken into a million pieces just like that window. I feel sadness, heartbreak, and a feeling of being unfocused. I still have this numbness inside as if I don’t have any emotions of happiness or sadness, just numbness.

Some of the pieces are gone – like Tyler – and will not come back. Others, the edges are crushed, broken and are changed to where they will never fit together even with glue. Those are the days that I miss him so badly I don’t know what to do. It reminds me of the hole left after the glass is broken in the window.

I don’t have that broken feeling every day. Some days are better than others and I know it is just part of the grieving process. Through this I have learned to find the courage and faith to trust God that He will be the Carpenter that takes the right measurements, find the right materials and with time can fix the hole. The broken pain can be repaired even though there is still a hole. I think of it this way. That window may have started with four openings but after the window was repaired with wood it only has two. Now you learn to adjust how you see things through those two openings and adapt.

Before I lost my son, I had no idea how people in my situation could feel. But now I have a different kind of compassion for others grieving no matter the situation. You might be feeling broken but not from a loss. Maybe it’s from a divorce, addiction, hard time, or a life situation that has changed you personally. You have to know that it’s OK to feel these things. It’s a season in your life. Just know sometimes you need to find a person, professional or pastor that you can trust to help you. Those people will help walk you through those hard times. They will also be there to build you up, gather the pieces or measure for the material to close the hole and fix the broken window. Remember sometimes the process is fast and other times it’s slow, but know in time the broken window will be repaired.

Missy Hillmer

I am Ma to the four Shorties. I am married to Craig, fellow educator and college football fanatic. Jesus and a good cup of coffee make me a happy girl. Teaching middle school science and front porch rockin’ are two of my many daily adventures.