What if Our Time Together is Cut Short? - Her View From Home

The Sweetest Mother's Day Gift!

I hear the baby crying on the monitor. I open my eyes, roll out of bed, and stumble to his room. “Mama’s here,” I whisper. I pull him out of the crib, pop him on my hip, and wander downstairs in the dark. He wants to, “Eat, eat!” I grab a banana and some applesauce from the fridge. The clock on the stove reads 4:56 a.m. “Why are you up so early, boy?” I ask, followed by a forehead kiss.

We hike back upstairs, crawl in Mama’s bed, and sneak under the covers, trying not to wake the snoring toddler next to us. His big sister still doesn’t sleep in her room all night.

Baby eats his pre-breakfast snack; we snuggle. After a few minutes of silence, I drift off to sleep. “Mama . . . ” he coos in the sweetest little boy voice. Well, I guess you’re up for the day. I guess we’re up for the day.

Most mornings, I would be annoyed by such an early wake-up call. Today feels different. This Tuesday morning, for whatever reason, I don’t mind snuggling before sunrise.

Then I feel it—the wave of grief, the wave of memories and what ifs. Ah, there it is—the nagging question that comes to me even in the earliest of mornings.

What if I only have 12 years left with you?

No one knows about this question, not even my husband who’s up before everyone to go to work.

What if I only have 12 years left with you?

No one knows, but I do. I know why this question exists.

My little brother died when he was 12. He was diagnosed with cancer and passed away just four months later. I was in my 20s and old enough to feel the loss on many levels. I felt it as a sister, a daughter, and the oldest sibling who couldn’t protect my family.

On this Tuesday morning, I feel it as a mother.

What if I only have 12 years left with you?

I named my son after my brother. And one day I will tell him how I picked his middle name. I call my boy by his full name when I need to hear it—to remind myself of what I lost. I say his name out loud as a reminder to live fully, richly, deeply, and lovingly.

What If I only have 12 years left with you?

I grieved, I healed, and I’m OK. But that’s the thing with loss—it’s always a part of you. And this question, this thought, will never leave me. So I have to deal with it.

What if I only have 12 years left with you?

Yesterday I rolled my eyes over countless messes. Yesterday I yelled when the baby threw his food all over the floor. Yesterday I said things I regret. But I want this Tuesday to be different.

What if I only have 12 years left with you?

It’s now 6:30 a.m. The baby is enjoying breakfast. I love his little hands and mouth all covered in jelly. I watch him while my coffee brews.

Look at that beautiful sunrise, boy.

You may also like:

Dear Kids, If I Go Before You Grow

This Stage of Life is Scary, Too

So God Made a Grandmother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Order Now!

childhood death Fear Motherhood

Audra Powers

Audra is a writer, speaker, and singer/songwriter sharing hope filled perspectives + faith building truths. She is a homeschool mom and a thrifty homemaker. Audra lives in the high desert with her husband and three young children.

Dear Zachary, The World Is Yours…And So Am I

In: Child, Motherhood

Little boy running in field

Dear Zachary, Ever since you were born, your dad and I have taken every precaution to keep you safe. We bought the review mirrors so we could see you in the car. We had the deluxe baby monitor. There were more ER trips than I ever expected to ease your mama’s worries that your run-of-the-mill illnesses might be something other than ordinary. You always had to wear your baby Crocs in “sport mode” so they couldn’t fall off your feet as you toddled around. We covered every single outlet in the house, even the ones you had no hope of...

Keep Reading

It’s Your First Day of Preschool

In: Child, Motherhood

Photo of child's backpack

My dearest son, It’s your first day of preschool. Almost four years ago, I didn’t want to think about this day. I wish I could get out of the emotions I’m feeling, but it’s something nobody prepares you for. I wasn’t ready, but watching you be ready made me ready. In the way you sing your ABCs and 123s, confidently counting to 20. The way you started sharing your toys with your little sissy and teaching her colors. The way you improved so much each soccer practice and game. And the way you have asked to play again. The way...

Keep Reading

I’m Proud to Say “That Child” Is My Child

In: Child, Motherhood

Child running in field with jacket and hat on

When a new parent brings home a baby, they realize that exhaustion follows closely behind. We expect sleepless nights and diaper changes, tiny fingers clutching at ours in need. We know we’ll be needed fully and completely, and we assume that as our child grows, that need will change shape but gradually ease. We assume that, in time, we’ll find balance again. But sometimes, that balance never comes. My child is that child. The neurobiologically complex one with an IEP, an FBA, and a safety plan at school. The one who has been in and out of various therapies for...

Keep Reading

My Wild Child Teaches Me How to Be Free

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood

Little boy with toy plane smiling outside

Have you ever heard the phrase “wild child”? What comes to your mind? For me, I tend to picture a young kid running around, who just won’t sit still. Their parents always look so tired. Bless their hearts. Whenever I saw a family with a sweet, little wild child, I gave the parents an encouraging, empathetic smile, just thankful it wasn’t me. Until it was, and I was the one receiving those smiles. Bless my heart. I have a wild child. I can’t deny it, and I certainly can’t hide it. It’s just a plain and simple fact that is...

Keep Reading

I’m Holding Tight to Nine

In: Child, Motherhood, Tween

Young girl standing in ocean waves, color photo

Nine is a tenuous age–she walks a tightrope between the play of a child and the poise of a teen. I see glimpses of the baby she used to be more and more rarely, mostly while she is sleeping. The roundness comes back to her cheeks and the silken hair tangles softly around her face. When awake, she is in constant movement. Dance, gymnastics, and friends take up most of her time. So I’m holding tight to nine. Nine is where she still wants to cuddle in bed at night and talk about her day. Friend troubles, burgeoning crushes, worries...

Keep Reading

The First Day of Preschool is Hardest for the Moms

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood

Preschoolers painting at table

The first day of Pre-K. Wow, that’s a hard one. On that first day, it starts with prolonged hugs. It progresses to tears. And it explodes with full-blown screaming as your child has to be peeled off your body, and you physically hurry for the exit while your heart lingers behind. At the end of the preschool hallway, you stop, ears straining to hear whether your child has calmed down. But it’s too hard to tell with the noise from all the other children being dropped off on their own first day of Pre-K. Pick-up should be better. Surely by...

Keep Reading

Welcome to Kindergarten, You’re about to Experience Something Great

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood

Teacher gives young student a high five

I’m sure you have plenty of mom friends who can help prepare you for the drastic life change you are about to embark on as your child enters kindergarten. Maybe they prime you with humor: “Woohoo, someone else is responsible for turning them into a decent human now!” or “Hey, no more daycare payment!” Maybe they are the nurturing sappy type: “They’ll always be your baby! They’re onto new things!” Or maybe they’re just factual: “This is part of life. They will learn so much. You need to let them go eventually.” And all of these people would be telling...

Keep Reading

First Grade Is a Big Year

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood

Little girl in dance costume walking down sidewalk, color photo

The beginning of a new school year always comes with little reminders that our babies are growing up. It’s a moment to reflect on how quickly they grow and dive into the excitement of a fresh new year. Of course, those first days are always bittersweet as they move up to a new grade, but so far, it’s been manageable. Pre-K then Kinder, I could handle those. Fun first years of school filled with play and cute little graduations. But this year, I feel like it’s getting really real. First grade! Can you believe it? How fast our babies grow....

Keep Reading

There Is Beauty in the In-Between

In: Child, Motherhood, Tween

Tween girl standing on boardwalk of beach

She’s at that in-between stage—not a young child, not a teen. She’s tall. So very tall. And a little bit gangly. But she runs like a small child, and it looks so endearingly awkward. My baby, my girl, still with the body of a child but the mind of an inquisitive adolescent. She’s curious, she’s funny, but still so young. Her humor is on our level, she gets our jokes that go over her sisters’ heads, and she makes us laugh so much. But then, she asks a question that reminds us of her precious young years. She’s still new...

Keep Reading

I Just Can’t Let Go of the Play Kitchen Yet

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood

Play kitchen set up near patio door, color photo

If there is one toy I would love to pass along, it is my children’s play kitchen. At 10 and 7 years old, it is no longer a priority toy for my daughter and son. Instead, the play kitchen has become a sort of dumping ground for any current toys that need a temporary storage space. As I glance at it now, it houses my son’s constructed LEGO helicopter, Nerf guns, and a robot as well as my daughter’s collection of library books, a random water bottle in her favorite color orange, and her jumping rope. Remnants of pans, utensils,...

Keep Reading

Previous Post

Dear Daughter, You Can Always Count on Me to be Your Friend

Dear Daughter, You Can Always Count on Me to be Your Friend

Next Post

Thank a First Responder Today—They're Heroes Without Capes

Thank a First Responder Today—They're Heroes Without Capes