Gifts for Mom, Grandparents, Besties and YOU🎄 ➔

I think at some level I always knew.

In our first year of marriage, I told my husband that I wanted to start trying to conceive before we were “ready” (whatever that means) because I had fears that it would be hard to get pregnant. My concern was deeper than a passing thought. It invaded my mind and entangled my heart. When the time came to try, the negative tests came with it.

Negative Luteinizing Hormone.
Negative estrogen increase.
Negative basal temperature rise.
Negative egg release.
Negative blood tests.
Negative pregnancy tests.

Negative.

Negative.

What’s wrong with me? I’m only 24. I’m too young for my body to fail me. I’m too young to be defective and broken.

Now my life whirls around me filled with month after month of medical appointments, Clomid pills, trigger shots, and blood work—each medical intervention further confirming my own inadequacies.

I try to be hopeful, trusting in God’s timing. I really try.

I hit my knees in the late hours of the night when all the world is asleep, and I plead with God through tears and shaking limbs to grant us a child. I know He can. The most terrifying prospect is the fact that He might choose not to.

Have you ever felt that way? It’s that secret place in the depth of your soul when you know God is able, but if He says no it will feel as though every part of you is wounded.

He seems to say “yes” to everyone else. You have seen Him say “yes”, even to those that you deem less deserving than yourself (not that you would ever admit that out loud).

So, what about when hope begins to fade? What about when the hours turn to days and weeks, and you will time to slow down just so you won’t have to face yet another negative? This is infertility for the fearfully faithful.

Yet with the chaos and tears and fear and dread, I want to believe and rest in God’s sovereign goodness.

When He promises to be the Giver of all good gifts, I want to walk out in my belief in that.

When He tells me that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” I desperately want to believe that my body is not defective.

My husband is the most wonderful man on the planet, and it breaks my heart that sometimes when I see pregnant women, I think “my husband would have been better off married to someone else. Someone who isn’t defective like me.” But he patiently loves me and reminds me that I am the best part of his life.

Perhaps you don’t struggle with infertility. Maybe your deeply rooted place of fear and chaos is financial. Maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness for your child to ever have true friends. Perhaps it is a difficult season of your marriage that you can’t possibly see a silver lining to.

As much as we all love happy endings, I’m just not there yet. I’m still in the middle of this season, but I hope to encourage your heart:

You are not alone. You and I are not broken or defective. We are not sub-par.
Feelings are not facts.

Let yourself mourn for what you think should have been so that when you have properly grieved for what is not, you can be hopeful for what is.

You may also like:

This is Infertility

God is For Me

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Christine Judy

I'm happily married to the most wonderful man on the planet, and together we chase after God and love people deeply. I am an IVF rainbow mama of three in Heaven, two on Earth, and six frozen embryos waiting to come home. I enjoy hosting, baking, and game nights.

Dear Loss Mom, Grieve Your Baby In Heaven Without Guilt

In: Baby, Grief, Loss

My third baby was due on October 19, 2019. Instead, she was born into heaven on March 24, 2019. Not only do I grieve her more in October than in other months because of her due date, but I also grieve for so many other parents who have also lost their children.  RELATED: A Letter To My Mama From Your Baby In Heaven Pregnancy loss is such a strange journey to walk through. I’m years into it, and there are still days when the grief hits and the tears come and I can’t breathe. On other days, I am so...

Keep Reading

1-Year-Olds Are Wonderful

In: Baby, Kids, Motherhood, Toddler
1 year old baby smiling

Newborns—who doesn’t love them?  The captivating scent of a brand new baby, their fragile little bodies laying so delicately on your chest. Everything that comes with a newborn baby is just absolute magic. But have you ever had a 1-year-old? I used to think the newborn phase was my favorite, nothing could ever be better than having such a tiny helpless little human rely on you for absolutely everything. I could hold my newborn for hours, soaking in every tiny little detail before it became nothing but a beautifully distant memory. But I’ve realized it’s 1-year-olds who have a special...

Keep Reading

Here In the Struggle of Motherhood Are Tender Moments I’m Afraid to Miss

In: Baby, Motherhood
Baby in mother's arms looking up

I didn’t realize the fear I would feel going into the operating room. My hands trembled and felt as if they were not in my control. The delivery I had planned had gone up in flames and a C-section became my only option. My baby’s heart rate was dropping, and the life I dreamed of flashed before my eyes.  This was not the way it was supposed to go. When I arrived at the hospital that Wednesday evening the nurses boasted about how well my baby boy was doing, how strong he was, how active he was, and how good...

Keep Reading

There’s Light At the End of a Hard Pregnancy

In: Baby, Motherhood
Newborn lying on blanket, color photo

That little pink positive mark hit me. Hard.  The pregnancy test revealed the news that I guiltily hoped was negative. The idea of another pregnancy—the hormones, the weight gain, the lack of sanity and sleep—seemed to overcome me. HOW? HOW could I possibly do this AGAIN?  Full of shock, I broke the news to my husband. I was like a broken record, repeating to him with tears, “Are we going to be okay?” He tried to reassure me, but I felt the uncertainty, the darkness.  In the next months, I was depressed. Focused on trying to make it through the...

Keep Reading

Every Time I Put You Down, You Grow a Little More

In: Baby, Motherhood
Black and white photo of baby sleeping with pacifier in his mouth

You’re six months old today.  Everything about you is so much bigger now—including the personality that’s showing through. But today? I want to soak in the littleness.  It’s a weekend, so I get to put you down for your naps. Your daddy took your brother to the store, so it’s just you and me.  It’s quiet. You have my full attention with no distractions.  As we rock, your eyes start to roll back in your head. You sigh and put your hand on my chest—as if to make sure I’m still here.  Sweet little one, this is the only place...

Keep Reading

This is the World of a Preemie Mom

In: Baby, Motherhood
Preemie baby foot with monitor attached

You came into this world much before your time. Your daddy and I weren’t ready for you, but that didn’t matter—you were determined to make your entrance at 27 weeks gestation. The first time I laid eyes on you, I was taken aback. You were wrapped in clear plastic bags with wires sticking out from all sides of you. You were so small and fragile—990 grams and 983 grams—the size of a pineapple I might buy at the grocery store. Your daddy took pictures of you, but I wasn’t sure if I would show them to anyone. You didn’t look...

Keep Reading

Secondary Infertility Took Me By Surprise

In: Baby, Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Mother holding toddler by open door

Selfish. Unfair. Guilt stricken. Shameful. Those were just a few of the words that regularly stabbed my lamenting heart as I longed for a second child. Yes, I was grateful for my healthy, beautiful boy who made my dream of motherhood come true, but why did I not feel complete—was he not enough? Was I doing this motherhood thing all wrong and didn’t deserve a second child? Why did I long to give him a sibling so badly knowing millions were aching for their first—how could I be so insensitive? So many questions, so many buts and so many whys....

Keep Reading

I Used to Feel Shame for Having PPD, but Now I Just Feel like a Mother

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mom holding toddler by window

I had my first son when I was 23 years old. My husband and I named him Isaac, which means laughter. The first few months of his life brought me anything but laughter. It felt as if for the first five weeks, my son cried constantly. It seemed if he wasn’t crying then he was sleeping. It was a really stressful time for me. I cried, he cried, and in the end, we’d both be so exhausted we’d fall asleep. I remember telling myself “I can’t do this” over and over and over again. Eventually, those thoughts manifested into actions....

Keep Reading

The Smell of Dreft and Hope

In: Baby, Motherhood
Woman folding baby onesie

My husband and I sink onto our living room couch at the end of the day, cocooned within distant, sound-machine ocean waves while our two toddlers sleep in their respective rooms. We’re trying to decide whether to watch another episode of 30 Rock or not.  “Let’s have another baby,” I say suddenly, hopefully. The past several months have brought those familiar pings of longing again, and it’s exhausting trying to pretend they don’t exist.  My husband isn’t surprised—we have some version of this conversation at least once a month. He pauses before speaking, picking at the couch cushion. “I still...

Keep Reading

No One Prepares You for When Your Husband Has Cancer

In: Baby, Cancer, Marriage
Family sitting by window

No one ever prepares you for the moment you hear your spouse has cancer.   More so, no one prepares for you to hear this when you have a 5-month-old at home. “Mom, they said the tumor is cancerous, and they need to enucleate his eye on Thursday,” I say quietly into the phone as I pump in a dirty bathroom stall at the eye hospital.   Whir. Whir. Whir. Whir. Gosh, I hate pumping.  Today is my first day being away from my daughter. My mom is watching her while I made the trip to the eye hospital with...

Keep Reading