I am so tired. That’s not really a confession though, is it? Because we are all tired. We have all crossed over that threshold with the hope of returning one day, but the further we push ourselves the further we get from the hope of going back to those days where we would sleep because there was nothing good on Netflix and nothing better to do.
It’s in this exhaustion that I’ve come to learn a few things about myself which prompted me to confess them to you all because there is a hope I am not the only one who feels these things. So here they are, my hard truths that have surfaced from chapped lips and baggy eyes:
I cannot do this on my own. This may not come as a surprise to any of you, but as a mother, wife, employee, and an individual human being, it is extremely difficult for me to admit this to other people.
While I was checking out at the grocery store with my twin boys in tow, the cashier looked at me and said, “Honey, you must be exhausted.” Immediately I slapped a smile on my face and laughed. Immediately I started judging myself for letting a stranger believe I was incapable of handling what God gave to me.
But why? There is no shame in admitting that we need help. I need help. And this is not to say that I don’t have people around who do help me. This is saying that having those people is not only okay, it’s necessary to my survival.
I sometimes wish things could go back. Each of these confessions get harder for me to admit, but sometimes I do wish I could go back to the time when I drank coffee because it tasted good and not because I was scared I was going to fall asleep driving.
I am very aware of the fact that we should NOT compare our lives to others on social media, but still, the sting is felt when I see travel specials promoted and I think how nice a vacation would be right now but taking the boys would be a nightmare and I just feel too guilty to leave them for more than a few hours. I wish taking a break from life didn’t mean feeling guilty about it for the next month.
The mom in me is screaming in my head right now, yelling at me that how dare I say these things and I am one ungrateful person. But I am not ungrateful, I love those boys more than anything in this entire world. I love them more than I love myself. But the oxygen mask, right?
I feel like I am suffocating. It’s not their fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. This is how I feel because I used to flit around the world like a butterfly taking in the breathtaking views of the world around me, but now I see the insides of my house day in and day out. It is a beautiful prison that I have stepped into. I go to the grocery store just to see evidence there are still other humans out there.
I chose this, of course. I have been blessed, of course. Not many mothers get to maintain their full-time careers and spend every day with their growing children. I should be shouting to the heavens my undying gratitude.
There will come a time fairly soon where my babies won’t be babies anymore and they won’t be home all the time with me. My confession at that point will probably be that I miss them and I should have appreciated better the time I did have with them. The green grass and all that.
But for now, I miss the world. I miss the vastness of it all. I miss the lure of awaiting adventure. I miss the ability to just get in my car and go to an unknown destination just because I could. Motherhood is my adventure now.
Even in writing these confessions I feel better. Sometimes that’s all you really need to do is speak and let it out, whether someone on the other end is listening or not. I also feel guilty. As if because I have said these things every blessing will be suddenly revoked. But I have a feeling I am not the first mother or father who has felt this way and I certainly will not be the last.
We need to focus our energies on creating that balance. On walking away and allowing others to take over. On prioritizing the work that is important to us and our families. And most importantly, on getting out into the world and reminding ourselves every day of the beauty that surrounds us that makes every day worth living. I have long been in pursuit of balance and if Nietzsche was correct, then this will be my lifelong mission.