Not everyone is happy during pregnancy.
I thought I would be.
I was at first.
I wanted to be a mother more than anything, and I had waited for the right time in my life to bring a child to the world.
I prayed that what I had endured in my life would not be in vain, that one day I would be able to love a child.
I was no stranger to depression and was on medication prior to becoming pregnant.
But while I was pregnant, my depression got worse—even with the medication and all the things I was doing to try to help myself.
I wanted so badly to feel the things I thought I would.
Feelings of joy and anticipation.
Feelings of bliss.
But these feelings were dimmed and subdued if ever they floated on good days.
These are things we don’t talk about. For how could a woman who had everything and was now pregnant be so very sad?
Depression during pregnancy robs women of the everyday.
I did everything to keep myself alive and safe. I was well supported by medical doctors, a therapist, a psychiatrist, and yes, meds.
All to just cope.
All to just stay alive.
I want to forgive my depression for taking so much joy from me during this time.
I want to forgive it for making me believe my child would be better off with someone else.
I want to forgive it for convincing me of how terrible I looked and how I should just give up on life.
I was so sad that I didn’t want to remember the experience.
I don’t have one photo of me pregnant.
And I grieve this.
Not all pregnancies are happy ones.
If you or someone you know is experiencing depression during pregnancy, please get help.
Reach out to a trusted friend, a neighbor, a local support group, your doctor.
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You will get through this, and you will love yourself and your baby.
You don’t have to do this alone, and trust me— you’re not alone.
I wish I had had one person like me to go through this with.
I wish I had read something like this on my feed when I was looking for help.
Yes, not all pregnancies are happy ones.
It’s time we start talking about it.