“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).

When put in an impossible situation, many people turn to their faith. It’s the only thing that can help us make sense of things that don’t seem to. It can bring strength and comfort in the hardest times. I’m going to share my story of faith and how it helped me during my difficult journey.

I had always known I wanted to be a mom. I had no idea it would be such a difficult dream to achieve. After over a year of trying, my husband and I decided to turn to fertility treatments. After our first round of IUI, we found out we were expecting twins. All was going well until before my 12-week appointment. I started having pains and went in for an ultrasound. I was told Baby B had no heartbeat. Baby A was doing great and was healthy.

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So many emotions ran through me. I went through grieving a loss while still being excited for my baby boy who remained. Doctors tried to assure me the other twin would be fine. I am young and healthy after all.  

One night before bed a day after my 22-week appointment, I started bleeding. I was rushed to the hospital and doctors informed me if they couldn’t stop the bleeding there would be nothing they could do to save the baby if I were to deliver before 22 weeks and 5 days. I fought for three days to stay pregnant but on Sept 17th, 2014, I lost the fight and Nathan Louis was born and died.  

I felt God with me in the hospital, giving me strength.  

I’m thankful for the time I was blessed to have with Nathan. I know he is a beautiful, perfect angel looking over us. I’m thankful for the day I had with him to hold him and say goodbye. I know what it feels like to have life flash before my eyes and to give birth without the sound of a sweet baby cry, but I kept faith that God often uses our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling.    

I had faith and trusted that God had an amazing plan for me. I felt so strongly about trying for another baby and believed God would get me through it. I felt there was no way he would allow me to go through burying another baby. I knew friends and family thought we were crazy trying again knowing the possibilities. 

We amazingly were able to conceive again in January of 2015 and found out were having twins again! Fear and doubt ran through me for weeks after finding out, but I wanted to keep faith and this was God’s plan. Doctors stated I was extra high risk and the likelihood of making it full term was about 15%. I was highly monitored every week with appointments and ultrasounds. I was always flooded with bad news and statistics.  

I just kept my faith and trusted that God was going to get me through. At 18-weeks, I went to the OB with pressure and when they checked my cervixit was extremely short, and I was told I had to go to the hospital.

So much anger and fear came over me. How could this be happening, how could God be allowing this to happen again?

I was given an option to abort one of the babies to have a chance at being able to have a viable baby. My husband and I decided to go through with having a cerclage placed even though it was not a recommendation for twins (there was no medical evidence to support doing it). They stated statistically with a cerclage you can deliver within the first 24 hours, two days, or 10 weeks is the average. I just remembered thinking that I needed to make viability, and 28 weeks was my goal.

I was placed on bed rest at home.  Those 11 weeks were the hardest and most trying on my faith. As Job 19:10 reads, “He tears me down on every side till I am gone, he uproots my Hope like a tree.” I felt the devil many times trying to give me doubt.  Why can’t I carry my babies full term, so many carry to term, what’s wrong with me? Why does my body fail me? Then I would remember Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me!”   

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I prayed every night on bed rest for God to make my babies big, strong, and healthy because I knew they were going to come early. On the 4th of July weekend, I went into labor at 29 weeks to the day. My boys Jonah David and Isaac Joseph were delivered via emergency C-section on the night of July 3rd.

Faith is all you have when you hold and see a preemie.  

They are tiny miracles. The neonatologist told us it’s rare for a 29 weeker to be born over three pounds and that for twins it’s nearly unheard of. Wow, our God is really amazing, he really answered my prayer. Having preemies is a roller coaster rideso many emotions, but I’m happy to say after 39 days for Jonah and 66 days for Isaac, they were finally able to come home. We were so relieved they were safe. 

Throughout this crazy 2-year journey, I’ve learned that God is in control. He has been the entire time and always will be. I will praise and thank Him for all He has done.   When I look at our boys, I’m constantly reminded of God’s grace. Our loss turned into a double blessing. Proverbs 29:25, “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”

I hope my story of faith and strength can help inspire and give you or others hope, no matter what set of circumstances there may be in your life.

Dear God, thank you for the strength you give us each day to face life’s ups and downs. Please help remind us that all things are possible through you and to keep our trust in the most difficult times. We thank you for your grace and mercy. Amen. 

Clare Brown

For those of you who don't know me, I am a stay-at-home mom to four amazing miracle kiddos! We have twin boys Jonah and Isaac, who will be six in July, an almost 8-month-old daughter Adelynn, and an angel baby Nathan Louis, who would have been seven in September. I am currently a MOPs/MOMSnext coordinator at our local church. I've been married for almost nine years to my husband Benjamin and we live in Michigan. I started writing as an outlet and want to help encourage and support others through their faith journey. I’ve really felt God calling me to share my story of faith for years now, and finally got the courage to start. I pray God will use this platform to spread His unconditional love to others.