My middle son, who is 21 now, was adopted. I tell you this not because it matters, but because I have some experience in case you are considering adopting and are wondering what it’s like. Here are a few of the important things I think you should know:

You’ll forget he’s adopted.

This may sound unbelievable, but at some point not too long after you adopt, you will actually forget that your child is adopted. This is true even if he or she does not physically resemble you. You will cease thinking about your child’s appearance and how that child came into your life and only see him or her. It’s like a superpower that parents have. I have a friend who has identical twin daughters who look, well, absolutely identical but she swears up and down that the genetic testing they had done was wrong and they must be fraternal. As their mother, she sees their hearts and souls and minds, not their outer shells. And that’s what it’s like when you adopt.

You’ll get asked some strange questions.

When you have an adopted child you will be asked personal and sometimes ridiculous questions. Such as, “Will you tell him he’s adopted?” In our case, our son is half Asian and we aren’t, so it would be kind of tough to hide that fact, don’t you think? Where was he born? Why did you adopt? What country/state/planet is he from? How old was he when you got him? Are you in touch with his “real” mother? How much did it cost to adopt? What if he wants to look for his parents? Why didn’t you just try in vitro? Didn’t you want to pass on your own genes? And so on and so forth.

My answers, when I chose to give them, often depended on how nosy or obnoxious the person asking the question was, my mood (I may have given snarky answers from time to time) and how pressed for time I was. I am pretty open about most things but the adoption story is my son’s and not mine and, therefore, there have to be some boundaries. It’s up to each parent how much they are willing to share about their adoption situation and, ultimately, it will be up to your child to decide who to share the particulars about his birth story with.

You’ll get unsolicited horror stories.

For some reason, when you have an adopted child, people think you want to hear what I call “adoption stories gone wrong.” They might mention a news story about adoptive parents who had to give their child back to a birth parent and ask you if you’re worried that could happen, as if they are talking about a recall on a vacuum or vehicle. I actually had to assure people we were on top of the legal end of things and that we made sure we sealed the deal before we brought our son home. Maybe they were worried about buying a gift for a baby who might be temporary, who knows? In addition to horror stories, people will also be sure to tell you how “lucky” your child is (even though we feel like the lucky ones). I wonder if they tell parents of biological children that their kids are fortunate? And how do they know what kind of parents we are anyway–maybe we’re awful and they should feel sorry for our kids. Actually, if I am to believe what all my boys told us when they were in their teens, we are pretty bad parents.

You’ll be surprised in good ways.

Another thing I really want you to know is how awesome adoption is in so many ways. When we adopted our son, I didn’t have to worry about losing the million pounds I gained during my three pregnancies. This may sound a little shallow but it’s definitely a bonus. I loved hearing how amazing I looked when I went out with my adopted newborn son as opposed to, “Well, you don’t look too awful,” when I went out with my babies after my C-sections. Another plus about adoption was discovering our son’s personality and unique talents without preconceived notions about which (positive and negative) traits he would inherit from my husband or me. How cool to discover he had artistic ability even though we can barely draw stick figures. Someone once told me adopting is like unwrapping a gift and it’s really true. An adopted child starts out with the clean slate all children deserve.

Love knows no bounds.

If you are considering adopting, the most important thing I can tell you is there will be no difference in the love you feel for your adopted child versus a biological one. This I can promise. (I actually tell my children that they all annoy me equally.) You will be convinced this is the child you were supposed to have as your son or daughter and it’s probably true.

Good luck in your adoption quest; I wish you the best.

 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Marlene Fischer

Marlene Kern Fischer is a wife, mother of three sons, food shopper extraordinaire, blogger and college essay editor. She attended Brandeis University, from which she graduated cum laude with a degree in English Literature. In addition to Her View From Home, her work has been featured on CollegateParent, Grown and Flown, Kveller, The Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, Beyond Your Blog, The SITS Girls, and MockMom. You can read more of Marlene’s work on her site here: https://marlenekfwordpresscom.wordpress.com/

3 Things We Learned While Waiting For Our Adopted Child

In: Adoption
3 Things We Learned While Waiting For Our Adopted Child www.herviewfromhome.com

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. Remember that old nursery rhyme? I can still hear it playing in my head. Growing up, I had always assumed that would be my story. The love and marriage part certainly happened for me in an amazing, storybook ending kind of way. However, the baby in the baby carriage didn’t come as quickly for my husband and me. As a few years passed, we began to feel a little restless and disheartened. However, God opened up His perfect plan for our family by leading us to...

Keep Reading

I Chose Adoption For My Baby, But I Didn’t Let Go

In: Adoption
I Chose Adoption For My Baby, But I didn't Let Go www.herviewfromhome.com

  I am often asked, when people find out I am a birth mother, “Why did you decide on adoption? Didn’t you want her?” In the tidy nutshell version of my response it was the logistical factors of being pregnant at just 16-years-old that was my why. Being a junior in high school when I saw those two pink lines in October of 2004, I still needed to graduate, plus I wanted to attend college. I did not have a job to support us. In fact, I did not have my driver’s license or even the few dollars it took...

Keep Reading

Dear Mama Reading This Right Now, You Are Amazing

In: Adoption, Child Loss, Miscarriage, Motherhood
Dear Mama Reading This Right Now, You Are Amazing www.herviewfromhome.com

To the one with healthy children in your lap, YOU are a great mom. Whether you work full-time or stay at home, you are amazing and deserve to be celebrated every day, but especially today. You sacrificed your body and your own well-being over and over again and I know you don’t regret any of it. You are enough and you are appreciated even when you don’t feel it. To the one holding a child someone else carried inside of her body, YOU are a great mom. Whether you faced infertility, surrogacy, chose to adopt, or have biological and adopted children,...

Keep Reading

4 Things a Birth Mom Wants Adoptive Families To Know

In: Adoption, Journal
4 Things a Birth Mom Wants Adoptive Families To Know www.herviewfromhome.com

The minutes on the hospital clock dwindled as I swaddled my infant daughter one last time before she was permanently placed in the arms of her adoptive family. In those final moments, I thought my heart might shatter into a thousand slivers without any hope of being mended. I was broken. Scarred. Devastated. When I left the hospital without my baby, it felt like someone was pounding on my chest with both fists and I couldn’t catch my breath. The emptiness that followed was inconceivable. A piece of me, my daughter, was gone. I couldn’t comprehend the magnitude of my...

Keep Reading

No Matter Life’s Season, God Provides What We Need

In: Adoption, Faith
No Matter Life's Season, God Provides What We Need www.herviewfromhome.com

When my husband and I adopted our older daughter Lilly 15 years ago, she was nine-months-old and weighed about 17 pounds. That might not seem like much, but she was a chunk of a little girl—so much so that people we met in elevators and restaurants in China often mistook her for a two-year-old. I had worked on my cardiovascular fitness in the months leading up to our adoption trip, and my regular runs on the treadmill prepared me to traverse the Great Wall with relative ease. My upper body strength, however, was a different story entirely. My arms and...

Keep Reading

Acknowledging the Loss in Adoption

In: Adoption
Acknowledging the Loss in Adoption www.herviewfromhome.com

  “Don’t do it! Adoption is the worst!” His voice echoed through my entire body, his words hitting every unprepared bone, and I clutched the full glass of ice water ready to plunge it in his direction. There were hundreds of people in the darkened bar room, on dates mostly, sitting in the crowd enjoying the comedy show. My insides twisted and lurched, I heard nothing but the reverberations of laughter, and my mind kept envisioning myself walking over to him and punching his face in. When the comedian began working adoption into her show, my body began tingling and...

Keep Reading

Adoption Is Love

In: Adoption, Journal
Adoption Is Love www.herviewfromhome.com

  I pull around in the car line and scan the group of kids for my daughter. Usually, I can find her easily, chatting it up with her friends as she waits for me to pick her up from school. Today, though, I don’t see her. I look again and I finally spot her. She is slumped on the curb, her head in her hands and her eyes downcast. My momma radar instantly goes off as I watch her slowly get up and drag her feet to the car and I can tell that something is wrong. She slides into...

Keep Reading

The Ache While We Wait to Adopt

In: Adoption, Faith
The Ache While We Wait to Adopt www.herviewfromhome.com

  There’s a persistent ache, but sometimes I can ignore it. I can turn up the volume of what’s around me and drown it out for a bit. I play hostess and invite the noise to come in: come fill up my heart, come fill up this empty nursery, come fill up this planner. I’ve got two kids, and they are experts at noise, so my days are full of it, and it works. The noise narcotizes the ache, making it manageable, day by noisy day.  In my former life as a teacher, I used to make my students write...

Keep Reading

How Being Adopted Made My Husband a Better Father

In: Adoption, Journal
How Being Adopted Made My Husband a Better Father www.herviewfromhome.com

My husband’s earliest memories of his adoptive mother are as blurry as the black and white photos he has taped inside a leather-bound family album. He recalls the gentle hands that tucked him into bed each night and the smell of her lavender scented soap, but these memories are intertwined with the last and most painful of all: sitting on the cold hospital steps, muffled whispers in the hallway, and the tight grip of his adoptive father’s hand as they made their way back to the car without his mother. Death was an abstract concept that he was unable to...

Keep Reading

Adoption Has Made Me a Better Mama

In: Adoption, Journal
Adoption Has Made Me a Better Mama www.herviewfromhome.com

I remember etching our family plans into a napkin at our two-year anniversary dinner. We were eating at Rio in Sisters, Oregon and I couldn’t wait to get back to the little cabin we had rented to watch Harry Potter and dream about babies. Weird combo? Probably. First we would conceive and carry a miracle baby in my actual womb. Then after a bit of time had passed, after we got “the easy one” birthed, we would enter into the adoption world. I think back to my barely 20-year-old self and think about how naive she was—I still only have...

Keep Reading