Gifts for Mom, Grandparents, Besties and YOU🎄 ➔

This is for the mamas who are missing their babies, perhaps recently lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. I want to speak directly to you. I am one of you, twenty-seven years into the future. I want you to know what you can expect, sort of like a “What to Expect When You’re No Longer Expecting and Your Baby is Gone” guide.

I lost my first son to a congenital heart defect when I was twenty-six and he was ten days old. He was born by C-section four days after my due date after a placental abruption, and weighed in at 8 pounds 14 ounces. His heart defect was not detected on the one sonogram I had and when I went into labor I was completely unaware of how my life was about to change, which I guess pretty much sums up most catastrophes which befall us.

After his death, there was the heartbreaking funeral with his tiny casket and subsequent mourning period. There was no baby stuff to return because we hadn’t purchased anything other than a car seat—in the Jewish tradition there aren’t baby showers in case something goes wrong. But what happened after that?

The obstetrician who delivered my son, and who was a wonderful and caring person, assured me that after I had more kids, the death of my first son would merely be a footnote in my life. And while I did go on to have three more beautiful and healthy sons, I can unequivocally state that he was wrong. My son’s death changed me in so many ways and taught me a lot of lessons. I learned that people don’t always deal with death well, especially those who have not yet experienced a loss themselves. For many people it’s easier to offer platitudes or even avoid a difficult topic altogether than to confront their own discomfort. Your comfort may come from unexpected sources. I learned that the only important outcome of a pregnancy is a healthy child; not the manner in which the child arrives nor its gender. I learned that, although grief changes and life goes on, it never completely disappears. That last statement is not meant to be discouraging or depressing. Although you will miss your baby for as long as you are on this earth, you will experience tremendous joy again. I promise. And if you want to have more children, you will. And I don’t say that lightly. I do not have a crystal ball regarding your fertility, but I do know that if your desire to have another child is strong enough you will find a way. (I went on to have both biological and adopted children.)

You will never forget your baby’s birthday or his death day and you will always be acutely aware of all the milestones he will never experience. However, you will have a richer and deeper appreciation for things others take for granted. This deeper appreciation is a gift bestowed upon you by your baby and one only you and your sisters-in-grief can understand. On the surface, you will appear to “have gotten over it” or “have moved on”, but unless you are able to erase your memory, your experience and sorrow will alter you in ways you cannot imagine right now, but in ways that are surprisingly positive and affirming.

The sadness, grief, shock, anger and bewilderment you are feeling right now will ease. But long after most people have forgotten your baby ever existed, even decades later, you will be able to remember exactly how you felt when you had to say goodbye. Twenty-seven years later you will still cry when you think about him and then, as you wipe your tears away, you will see that the sun is shining as you close your computer and start your day.

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Marlene Fischer

Marlene Kern Fischer is a wife, mother of three sons, food shopper extraordinaire, blogger and college essay editor. She attended Brandeis University, from which she graduated cum laude with a degree in English Literature. In addition to Her View From Home, her work has been featured on CollegateParent, Grown and Flown, Kveller, The Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, Beyond Your Blog, The SITS Girls, and MockMom. You can read more of Marlene’s work on her site here: https://marlenekfwordpresscom.wordpress.com/

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