Our Keepsake Journal is Here! 🎉

I arrived at my doctor’s office that beautiful fall day with a spring in my step. I had been battling all-day nausea for weeks, but had gotten through it by envisioning this moment when I would get to “meet” baby #2 for the first time. My husband was home with our toddler, and I couldn’t wait to show them the ultrasound pictures. As my doctor began rubbing the ultrasound wand over my belly, we talked about my due date being right around Mother’s Day.

“It couldn’t be more perfect,” I thought.

As my eyes focused on the grainy images on the screen, I began to sense that something wasn’t quite right. My doctor was spending an awfully long time trying to find my baby. By this point, the feeling of excited anticipation had been replaced by panic. He suggested trying to do an internal ultrasound, and stepped out of the room to grab his nurse. I tried to stay calm, and asked God to prepare me for whatever news I was about to hear. My doctor quickly came back and began the internal ultrasound. As he continued to search with no success, I began to cry softly, and the nurse came over and held my hand. As gently as he could, my doctor confirmed my worst fear. At some point the baby had stopped developing. Instead of leaving that appointment with ultrasound pictures of the baby I had already fallen in love with, I left with a handful of hospital forms to fill out, in preparation for my D & C.

I was heartbroken. I felt like my body had played a cruel joke on me. I felt like a failure. And I felt that way for a long time.

Nothing can really prepare you for what life is like in the days, weeks, and months following a miscarriage. You just get through it, in the hopes that tomorrow will be a little easier than today. What helped me the most was having other moms share their stories, so I didn’t feel so alone. For those of you currently fighting through the grief, maybe you can relate to some of what I’m about to share. My sincere wish is that it will help you to realize that you are not alone. After losing my pregnancy, this is what my life was like…

  • When the reality of the situation finally sunk in, it was really difficult to determine who to share the news with, or whether we should just keep it to ourselves. We hadn’t told our families yet; we were waiting until after my first appointment. Part of me wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I wanted the world to acknowledge this loss and maybe in some strange way, if everyone knew about the miscarriage, then my baby wouldn’t just feel like a figment of my imagination. The other part of me wanted to crawl into bed and not tell anyone, as I didn’t want to face the sadness that this news would bring.
  • As much as I disliked experiencing the physical symptoms of early pregnancy, it was heartbreaking when those symptoms began to disappear. Physically, it was a relief when the all-day nausea began to subside soon after surgery, but emotionally, it was a painful reminder that my little person was truly gone. Feeling “back to normal” left me feeling incredibly empty.
  • The wait to start trying again was SO hard. Some women want to wait awhile before attempting to get pregnant again. I was not one of those women. I didn’t feel like I could fully heal until I was pregnant again, and that was all I could think about. Those weeks waiting for my body to get back in the groove were some of the longest weeks of my life. I had three people that were close to me announce pregnancies during that time, and I wrestled with feelings of intense jealousy and loss. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t just be happy for them? After all, I had a healthy 2-year-old at home.
  • When I eventually got pregnant again, I had major trust issues with my body. It had already deceived me in the worst possible way. I had absolutely no indication that anything was going wrong with my previous pregnancy. My blood work results early on were great. I was nauseous all the time, and I had no spotting. This time around, I was not willing to trust all those signs of a healthy pregnancy. I needed to see that heart beating on the screen. When that moment finally arrived, I felt so much relief, but that first trimester was still full of anxiety, as I counted down the days until the second trimester. That is when I felt like I could finally breathe a little easier.

Four years have passed since I had to say goodbye to that sweet soul. I still find myself wondering what that baby would have been like. Would it have been a boy or a girl? Would it have been born on Mother’s Day? I will never know why he/she did not survive—at least not in my time on Earth. Despite the heartbreaking ending, I still view my second pregnancy as a gift. That baby will live forever in my heart. And your baby, my friend, will live on forever in yours

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Mary Ann Blair

Mary Ann Blair is a stay-at-home mom living in the Pacific Northwest with her two little gentlemen and hubs. She loves connecting with other parents who like to keep it real! Her work has been published on Her View From Home, Motherly, A Fine Parent, Perfection Pending, That’s Inappropriate, Pregnant Chicken, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Red Tricycle and in Chicken Soup For the Soul. She can be found at maryannblair.com or on Facebook at Mary Ann Blair, Writer.

My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born

In: Child Loss, Grief
My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born www.herviewfromhome.com

My baby was stillborn, but still born. In a cool white hospital room where so many had been born before. My body trembled and shook as his body worked its way out of my womb and into the hands of a doctor. He was void of breath, of sound, of movement, but he was still born. My baby was stillborn, but still lived. In the darkness of my womb. The outline of his body was visible against the darkness of the screen, his presence undeniable. The sound of his heartbeat drowned out the sound of mine as I watched his...

Keep Reading

I Am Not My Child’s Death

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Faith, Grief
I Am Not My Child's Death www.herviewfromhome.com

We are NOT what has happened to us or what this world says we are. That is not what defines us. While we are grieving parents, that is not what our whole story has to be about. Although, at times, we feel that our story is over. We ask, how do we go on and live full lives without our sweet Sophie with us? I’m still not 100 percent sure I know the answer to that. BUT the Lord says I am beloved. I am redeemed and accepted. I am holy and chosen. I am righteous and complete. I am...

Keep Reading

The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child

In: Child Loss, Grief, Motherhood
The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child www.herviewfromhome.com

Within the first three months following the death of my newborn daughter, I participated in one baby shower, attended two first birthday parties, had multiple infants in and around my home, and watched not one, not two, but five of my closest friends take happy, healthy babies home from the hospital. And in the midst of my own life-altering experience, I purchased, wrapped, and mailed a gift to every one of those new babies, because they deserved one. In the days and months after my daughter died, I didn’t run away or hide from babies at all. And this seemed...

Keep Reading

6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss

In: Child Loss, Grief, Kids, Motherhood
6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss www.herviewfromhome.com

Following the death of our infant daughter, I found myself facing an opportunity to activate the immense power of personal choice. Time and time again. Hour after hour, day after day. It felt as if every moment that passed provided me with a choice: to let the grief consume me, or not. In the midst of the most emotionally complex experience of my life, my ability to survive felt as simple as that. Will grief consume me, or not? Once I began believing that Olivia had lived out her life’s plan completely—that she had come, she had loved, she had...

Keep Reading

To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone

In: Child Loss, Grief, Infertility, Motherhood
To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone www.herviewfromhome.com

You are walking the hardest path anyone will ever walk—living this life without your children. Your losses have come in many shapes and sizes. You’ve lost tiny heartbeats early in the womb. You’ve screamed and sobbed through labor to deliver a silent but perfect little bundle. You’ve held a fragile infant for hours, days, weeks, or months, only to give him back to Heaven. You’ve watched your little one grow into a curious toddler and then held her a final time as disease or an accident took her away. You’ve lived a full childhood with your baby and even watched...

Keep Reading

A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief, Miscarriage
A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven www.herviewfromhome.com

Dear Mama, I know you miss me and wish you could watch me grow up. But instead, you sit in that rocking chair, tears streaming down your face, arms wrapped around the blanket that was supposed to be mine. I see you crying, Mama, wishing you could hold me. Wishing you could look into my eyes. Wishing you could hear me cry or call you “Mama”. I want you to know Jesus rocks me to sleep every night and while He does it, He tells me all about you. I know tulips are your favorite flower and that every spring...

Keep Reading

God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief
God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle www.herviewfromhome.com

I used to be someone who said, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” That was before I had faced any hardships in my life. I didn’t know who God truly is. When people are going through something hard and decide to share it, it makes people uncomfortable. It’s hard to watch others who are hurting, and it’s hard not knowing how to help when it’s someone you love. “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is a very well-meaning encouragement that I know is meant in love. I’ve said it before! But it’s not really...

Keep Reading

Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters

In: Child Loss, Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters www.herviewfromhome.com

“We should get a tattoo, Mom.” I laughed. I knew it was just my younger daughter, Sarah’s way of getting herself a tattoo—to go along with her nose ring, and six ear piercings. She didn’t really want me to get one. Did she? “Truth!” My oldest, more conservative daughter, Elle, chimed in. “We should all go.” What? Home from college just five minutes, maybe she was bored. I heard tattoos really hurt and she hates pain, like I do. I glared at my two daughters, now 17 and 19. They can read my mind. I knew it! There was something...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Sure How Long I’ll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal…and That’s OK

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Grief, Mental Health
I'm Not Sure How Long I'll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal...and That's OK www.herviewfromhome.com

I tried to wean off of Zoloft and couldn’t. And that’s OK. I had never really been aware of the world of antidepressants. My life has been relatively uneventful—with the normal ups and downs that most of us go through. I knew people on medication for depression but never understood. How can you be THAT sad that you can’t just be positive and make the best of your circumstances? How can someone be THAT unhappy ALL the time to need medication? I didn’t get it. I felt bad for people going through it. Then my 2-year-old was diagnosed with Stage...

Keep Reading

To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes

In: Cancer, Child, Child Loss, Health
To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes www.herviewfromhome.com

Most people never get to meet their heroes. I have, in fact—I have met many heroes. These heroes didn’t set out for greatness; they fell victim to a terrible disease and faced it with courage, might and bravery like I have never seen before. And when we talk about this type of battle, there is no such thing as losing. whether the battle ended in death, life, or debility, each of these heroes defeated. My heroes are the innocent children who battle cancer. I high-fived, hugged, wept over, laughed and played with my heroes for 10 years as a nurse. And you better believe I...

Keep Reading