In my 20s I was the party queen. I just lived for an epic social life. Then I had my first son and my social scene changed. The dive bars turned into cookouts where my friends without kids came over, and we smoked pork and drank beers. Then I had my second son and my oldest went to kindergarten and my social scene changed even more. I found a group of moms who also loved to party, and we did it in a way that seemed so acceptable. We packed beers and went to the beach. We filled bottles with wine and went to the playground. We went to the local brewery and packed games for the kids. I joined a softball league in the summer and drank after my games. My sister had her kids and everything we did included drinking.

Then my kids got older and started to make little comments. I would run into the liquor store to get a bottle of wine, and my son would say “Mom, you forgot the Fireball.” It didn’t feel great, and it made me pause, but I just laughed it off like kids say the funniest stuff. Then my oldest would ask me not to drink when we went to dinner. This made me pause even more.

The night of my son’s sixth birthday, I blacked out. When I finally recovered from the worst hangover ever, my older son and I went for a walk, and he told me that sometimes I acted crazy when I drank. That was it for me. I admitted to myself that my current relationship with alcohol was not healthy. I did some research and signed up for the app Reframe. In those first 30 days, I went through a rollercoaster. I felt ashamed, sad, resentful, scared, embarrassed. It was convenient for me because when I said I wasn’t drinking, everyone assumed it was for dry January.

I stopped thinking about if I would ever drink again and started thinking about how I never wanted to black out or feel hungover again. I started thinking about how important it was for my children to always feel safe with me and to trust me. I started thinking about how important my mental health was. Just a year earlier I had a major mental crisis, and I was lucky to come out of it alive. I had worked hard to save myself, why would I jeopardize that with something that literally drains all your dopamine?

I started thinking about why our society is so comfortable with alcohol. Marketing wine as mommy juice and selling booze at Disney on Ice. I really started thinking that if I felt this way, others must feel this way too.

So I went on social media and shared my journey. I posted a series of videos on my Instagram and Facebook stories. Posting on the story and not my page was a safety net, if people responded in any way other than kind, that story would disappear in 24 hours. Social media can be a very dark place, but I hoped I could help one person. I was raw and emotional. And like I expected, what I was saying resonated with people. So many people. The messages came rolling in. They had also put down alcohol. They had also been questioning their relationship with alcohol. They were grateful to know they weren’t alone.

Since I made this change, I have been to bars and parties and done things I would have done with a drink in my hand. I really feel the most stable I have felt in a very long time. I feel like I am the most present I have ever been for my kids. I feel like I am the best version of myself, knowing that the harder I work and the better I feel, the more my kids learn from me.