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Six months after giving birth to our first child, Joey in 2006, I felt that all too familiar feeling of nausea and it hit me. Could I be pregnant again? I looked at the calendar and realized my period was a few days late. Excitedly, I packed up Joey in his car seat and went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. I can remember my thoughts before I took the pregnancy test, the main one was pure excitement over the thought of having “Irish twins.” 

As soon as we got back from the store I hurried into the bathroom and took the test. Sure enough, positive! I was so excited I couldn’t even wait till my husband got home from work to tell him, I called him right away and told him the exciting news. Then of course I called my mom. That evening, we went over to my in-law’s house to share our exciting news with them. I even couldn’t contain my excitement on social media. I posted the exciting news on MySpace and my first blog (pre-Facebook days). Joey was going to be a big brother!

Two weeks later all hell broke loose….

One afternoon I started feeling a little twinge in my belly, something just wasn’t right. I went to the bathroom and discovered I was spotting. My heart sank and tears filled my eyes, I just knew… I called my doctor and she had me come right in. Since my husband was at work, my mother in law came and picked up me & Joey. I prayed the entire way to there. Once at the doctor’s office, they took me right back to the ultrasound room.

As I laid down on the ultrasound table, I continued praying. I prayed my fear was wrong. Perhaps I was just spotting and nothing would be wrong.

But sadly I was not wrong. My baby’s gestational sack had collapsed. I sat up with tears in my eyes as the ultrasound tech went out of the room and got the doctor who reconfirmed what the ultrasound had seen. My doctor walked me out to her office and we sat at her desk. She came and sat next to me and held my hand as I sat there and cried. After a few minutes my doctor told me that my baby was gone and there was nothing they could do but wait for nature to take its course or schedule a D&C.

She then explained to me that I would most likely pass the baby in the next day or so but I should go ahead and schedule the D&C just in case. It was scheduled for a few days later.

As I walked out into the waiting room, my eyes met with my mother in-laws. I didn’t have to say anything, she knew. During the ride back home, neither one of us said much except I did call my husband and my mom but that was the extent of me talking.

That evening, cramping started then the contractions. Later that night, heaven gained a beautiful angel, and I named her Kiera Rose.

I still had to go in for a D&C even though I had passed most of the baby myself naturally. I dreaded the thought of it. Being Pro-life, the thought of that procedure still to this day makes me cringe. But I knew my baby was gone by that point and I had to go in for my own health. Thankfully my mom flew in from Ohio to help us in any way that she could. 

We never found out if our baby was indeed a girl or boy but I know it deep down it was a girl. We never knew if she had a chromosomal abnormality like Joey or not. At times I blamed myself even though I did nothing wrong. I was angry but not sure who I was angry with. It was unbearable, the only thing I wanted was my baby.

Even though I was only 8 weeks along in my pregnancy, the pain and anguish of losing a child is so unbearable, unless you’ve gone through it, there’s no way to explain it.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 34:18-19    

The following weeks were so difficult but I kept going. I had no choice, after all, I still had an extra special beautiful baby boy who was no longer going to be a big brother but now had a guardian angel watching after him. Joey had many Birth to Three (early intervention) and doctors appointments that it helped to keep me busy and attempting to ignore the pain.

By the grace of God, two months after losing my baby girl, I once again felt that ever familiar sense of nausea and wondered if I could already be pregnant again. Sure enough, I was! This time though, I was terrified! I had read stories about recurrent miscarriages. Thankfully for us, this was not the case. During my first doctors appointment, there was a strong, beautiful heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound in the world! Our rainbow baby, Leah Rose was born at 38 weeks. She had the most chubby, rose-colored cheeks and boy could she cry! We decided to share Kiera’s middle name with Leah as a way to honor her big sister in heaven.

Every year the first week of every November, my thoughts are directed to my angel and are filled with how life might be different if I wouldn’t have lost her. The pain comes back but now and then but I’m able to cope with it, especially on a spiritual level. My mind also drifts to the fact that if we had Kiera, we wouldn’t have Leah and possibly not Aiden either. God has a plan for all of us. Kiera’s plan was a little different, God wanted her to be an angel.

I still think of her often but now I do know that with all of Joey’s hospitalizations and illnesses that Kiera is watching over him and her two other siblings as well, making sure that they stay safe and healthy. Whenever Joey is in the hospital, I always have a set of rosary beads with me and I’ll pray the rosary as I sit next to his bed at night. I always say a little prayer to Kiera to watch over him and heal him.      

Though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad—in order that God’s purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of him who calls.

Romans 9:11

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Jessica Heeran

I'm a stay at home mom to three energetic children: Joey (11 years old), Leah (9 years old), and Aiden (7 years old). Joey is chromosomally enhanced with Down syndrome and also has Autism & is non-verbal. I was born and raised in Ohio and moved to Connecticut 11 years ago, so I'm a Midwest girl living in New England.

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