Good Friends Soften Your Edges

Has anyone else become disillusioned with how focused we are on making sure we are feeling happy and accepted and included without actually having to do any work on ourselves or make changes? We’ve become so consumed with ourselves and ensuring that we feel good. What makes us happy. What makes us shine. And I think it’s started to permeate the way we work through relationships. Does that person not really get all your quirks? Leave and move on. Do they not understand your communication style? Not your friend group.

I do genuinely believe that at times there can be an unhealthy focus on encouraging self-sacrificing behaviors. We all know someone who’s experienced compassion fatigue, who just gives and gives to others until they have nothing left and rarely looks after themselves. They bend and adapt to others’ expectations. But maybe, have we gone too far the other way? Has our focus on making ourselves happy actually made us more miserable and lonely?

You can be someone who is bold, outspoken, and weird. You’ve found and embraced your inner self. And that’s great! But that doesn’t mean that everyone you come in contact with needs to like that or want to interact with that. But what if there’s more to it? What if sometimes you really are too bold or too outspoken? Could you maybe be lacking tact in the name of being bold? Is there maybe a balance between fully being yourself and being willing to see and recognize areas you could work on?

This year my friendship with one of my dearest friends went through a rough patch. Okay, like a horrible, rip-a-hole-through-my-heart patch. I analyzed and overanalyzed every single thing I had done or said or texted in the surrounding weeks. I went through what she said and did with a microscope. And I flip-flopped daily, sometimes hourly, between being a victim in the situation and being the one causing the pain.

She knew me better than most people. She knows my hopes and dreams, giftings and insecurities. She knows my childhood hurts and how I can respond to protect myself. She knows my deep fear of abandonment. She knew all those things and has embraced me through many trying times. She knew me, deeply knew me.

In our conversation, I said some things I shouldn’t have but also responded out of the “this is who I am, this is how I respond to conversations and conflict—take it or leave it” attitude. And at that point, she kind of left it. And rightly so.

Even knowing all that she did about me didn’t give me license to be exempt from causing her hurt. I didn’t get to respond to an uncomfortable situation however I wanted to “because that’s just who I am.” I didn’t get to throw down the “you are my friend, accept me as I am’’ card. Knowing me and loving me through my story didn’t mean that my actions didn’t have consequences. She chose to tell me how I was responding wasn’t okay. And when I realized that, I could truly sit down and do some deep personal reflection.

Our actions—every single one of them—have consequences, friends. No one is obligated to stay. If we choose to die on the hill of “this is who I am take it or leave it,” some may actually leave it.

Now I’m not advocating that you chameleon for every relationship you have. There is still an element of finding out who you are and embracing it. But you need to decide if you can live with the consequences of keeping your shape or rather, allow your relationships to potentially soften your edges.

Friends, we are called for relationships. We are designed for relationships and so deeply crave it. Yes, even you fellow introverts. We aren’t meant to live an isolated self-focused life. That may make you temporarily happy, but let’s be honest, being that superficial and selfish will make you miserable deep down.

So what do you do? How do you find that balance between embracing who you are and also being willing to change? How do you figure out who God really has meant you to be?

I know this isn’t easy. Man do I ever know that. I can sit here and say let your friends shape and mold you, let them say hard things in love, but in all honesty, I don’t actually like that. I don’t want to be told the things I need to change. I don’t want to know how I’ve messed up and hurt or wronged you. I want to be told how much you love me. How much you admire me. How much you love me just as I am. I want my ego fed. But I also know that forced compliments or fake compliments are not actually what I need. Nor are they beneficial. And to be honest, they don’t actually feel that great.

I have realized that each true and deep relationship I’ve ever had has shown me parts of myself I love and parts of myself I need to work on. Those friendships have pushed me, challenged me, and called me out . . . even when I didn’t want that. But they’ve also taught me empathy, better listening skills, a desire to serve, consideration, learning to maybe do a better job of processing internally instead of out loud and so much more. I could have thrown out those friendships as not seeing me or really understanding me, but instead, they’ve made me better.

And the friendship that seemingly fell apart? My friend extended grace, love, and forgiveness I didn’t deserve. I recognized some parts of myself I had wrongly declared as “just who I am” instead of allowing them to be shaped into something beneficial. Her decision to challenge me was horribly painful but gave me the chance to do some deep, deep soul searching. She is still one of my closest and dearest friends, and I value the friendship even more than before.

I can embrace my true self but still be a work in progress for the rest of my life. We live in a broken world, friends, and until Jesus comes back, it’s going to continue to be so.

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Articles by Amber Kuipers

Amber Kuipers

Amber is a children's author whose first book When Grey Came to Stay is about her own personal grief story. She lives in a small town with her husband, three kids, two dogs, and two chickens. Amber prefers to do life outside and avoids being neat and tidy.