Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

In a single day recently, I found out my dad had been admitted to the hospital and my mom had received a serious diagnosis.

Friends, I am pleading with you to share this with your parents who think they are protecting us by keeping health scares from their adult children.

And, sweet baby Jesus in the manger, if you are a parent of grown children, tell them before the crap hits the fan, please.

Keeping things from us is not OK and here’s why.

What Aging Parents Think They’re Doing

1. Protecting Their Grown Children

But you AREN’T.

You are making all of this worse by hiding the truth from us. You forget that—while you may look at us and remember your little baby—we are real, live grown-ups now with jobs and houses, cars, and kids of our own. We are not fragile toddlers but actual adults who should have the mental capabilities to process even difficult information.

2. Saving Their Adult Children from Burden

Again, you’re WRONG.

Listen, Karen, you are our parent and therefore not a burden. Sure, you annoy the crap out of us sometimes with your unsolicited advice on our new haircut or the way we fix our green bean casserole, but we love you anyway.

RELATED: If Your Kids and Your Parents Depend On You, You Might Be in the Sandwich Generation

When you love someone, they aren’t a burden. You make a conscious choice to love and that includes during the tough stuff.

3. Making Things Easier for Their Kids Who are Full-Fledged Adults

This is the opposite of correct.

In my case, had I known in the weeks leading up to my dad’s hospital admission, I may have been able to save money for a flight to visit or help out. Instead, I only made the trip three states away thanks to the gracious gift of a generous friend because—newsflash, mom—flights are usually real dang expensive when you are frantically trying to find a ticket the day of. And this doesn’t even come close to all of what has to happen to arrange for childcare, carpooling, and everything else that has to be covered for our homes to still run if we need to tag off with a spouse or friend so we can come care for you on a whim.

4. Handling The Mess that Accompanies Aging

We know you are adults, too. And, here’s the thing, I won’t pretend I understand how real aging feels.

RELATED: My Parents are Gently Aging

I’m 37. My body makes noises when I get out of bed, and it takes me a lot longer to get up after playing on the floor with my kids than it used to, but I know I am not where you are so I won’t act like I do. It must be scary to have friends your age dying of terminal diseases and feeling your own strength deteriorate. You must worry about when you will lose your basic freedoms or if one day you may lose your best friend or even your spouse.

That is heavy stuff.

But we are your kids and we care about you. So let us support you, pray for you, encourage you, help you out. Don’t you remember when you had to bail us out of a stupid decision in high school or support us when we had no idea how to file our taxes? It’s a similar concept, really.

One of us is learning to let go a little and the other is learning to graciously accept help even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable because loving someone is messy.

What You are Actually Doing

1. Hurting Us

When you withhold information about our loved ones, it is damaging our future ability to trust what you say. It is also painful that you didn’t disregard your want to protect us in favor of letting us into that scary part of your life because you know how deeply we care for you.

2. Not Trusting Us

By not calling, it is demonstrating that, on some level, you don’t trust we can handle what you have to say. Sure, you may have received a terminal diagnosis or other bad news that might feel devastating to us, but you need to let that be ours to sort through. We are grown-ups, and we can handle it.

3. Making Us Worry

Whenever you choose to not share vital information with us, especially concerning your health, we only worry more. We go from only worrying when necessary to worrying all the time because of the lack of communication and trust leaves us to lean on all of the what ifs . . . and we can spiral.

RELATED: My Parents Are Aging and I Worry

When You Need to Call Your Grown Children

  • If you get a diagnosis
  • If you are sent to the ER/hospital
  • If you are having any issue that is reoccurring or chronic
  • If you are afraid of some symptoms you’re experiencing

Do not make me explain any of these further. Listen to me closely, Karen. If any of the aforementioned happens to you or your spouse, pick up the phone and call me. Do not text. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Call your dang child pronto and be honest with us.

How Adult Children Can Help Ease the Burdens of Aging Parents

1. Maintain Consistent Communication

This goes far beyond the fact they are your parents, and you should be doing this anyway. Talking regularly, even if only once a week, allows seemingly small or trivial things the opportunity to come up in natural conversation instead of requiring a scary, out-of-the-blue phone call. Plus, I forget just about everything, and I’m not even 40 so I imagine it is easier on my folks to tell me something that happened recently if we talk more often.

2. Be Open With Your Parents, Too

Pump the brakes, Karen. I am not suggesting you tell your deepest secrets to your dad. I am just saying that the more open you are with them, the more likely they will be to keep you in the loop.

For instance, our son’s multiple behavior diagnoses bring with them a ton of therapies, appointments, and med changes. So I do my best to make sure both sets of our parents know what is going on with both of our kids when things change. That helps them understand when things are hard and to be there for us because even though we are adults, sometimes no one listens like your mom.

3. Ask Questions to Keep Yourself Informed

Friends, one of the health issues that came up this week with my mom was something she didn’t even understand. And I felt that because half of the time I have no clue what I am doing as an adult. So, I encouraged my mom to ask questions of her doctor, and I promised to ask more questions, too.

What does that diagnosis mean? Is it treatable? Curable? Can it be maintained with meds?

Here’s the thing. None of us wants to get old. It is scary and weird and one of those things we think will never happen to us . . . until it does.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Brynn Burger

Mental health advocate, extreme parent, lover of all things outdoors, and sometimes a shell of my former self. Parenting a child with multiple behavior disabilities has become both my prison and my passion. I write so I can breathe. I believe that God called me to share, with violent vulnerability and fluent sarcasm, our testimony to throw a lifeline to other mamas who feel desperate to know they aren't alone. I laugh with my mouth wide open, drink more cream than coffee, and know in my spirit that queso is from the Lord himself. Welcome!

To the Friend Who Just Lost a Parent: It’s Going to Hurt and You’re Going to Grow

In: Grief, Grown Children, Loss
Sad woman hands over face

Oh, the inevitable, as we age into our mid to late 30s and beyond. The natural series of life states that losing a parent will become more commonplace as we, ourselves, continue to age, and I am beginning to see it among my circle of friends. More and more parents passing, and oh, my heart. My whole heart aches and fills with pain for my friends, having experienced this myself three years ago.  It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt more than you could expect. The leader of your pack, the glue, the one you turn to when you...

Keep Reading

“He’s Gone.”

In: Grief, Grown Children, Loss
Bride dancing with her father, color photo

That heart-wrenching moment when I received that phone call—the one that completely shattered life as I knew it. “He’s gone,” two words that brought me to my knees, screaming and crying. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t put into words what I was thinking or feeling, I was broken. Time slowed to a snail’s pace, it seemed like it took hours to arrive, and when we did, reality still didn’t sink in. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, we were supposed to have more time, way more time with him.  I’m too young to lose my dad, my kids...

Keep Reading

As An Adult, Navigating Your Parents’ Divorce Is Complicated

In: Grown Children, Marriage
Older couple sitting apart unhappy on couch

“Gray divorce” is a term that refers to divorce in couples over 50 years old. There are plenty of reasons why people decide to get divorced—in some cases, after decades of marriage. Many couples at this phase of their life are experiencing empty nests for the first time and are finding that once their kids have left the home, their relationship is not where they hoped it would be. No matter what the reasons may be, the reality is a lot of adults with families of their own are navigating their parents’ divorce. I am one of those adults facing...

Keep Reading

A Mother Spends Her Life Letting Go

In: Grown Children, Motherhood
Mother holding up child silhouette

Checking in—it’s what mothers do, or what I do anyway. I stand nose to chin with Miles and Gabriel, my grown twin sons, to feel their life force wash over me. They radiate energy and testosterone and smell like shampoo and skin. I inspect their shirts for invisible crumbs, touch and tease their curly hair—a gift from their father—and breathe in their essence, no longer baby-sweet but still beloved. I hold their sleeves lightly between my fingers. I anchor myself there in their orbit. And I ask questions, again and again, long after they’ve stopped listening. The questions are innocuous,...

Keep Reading

Grieving the Death of an Estranged Family Member is Complicated

In: Grief, Grown Children
Woman looking out at water

This past weekend, I learned that my estranged grandmother died. It had been a few years since I had spoken to her, and while I knew this day would come, I never exactly knew how I’d feel when the day actually arrived. Honestly, the moment I heard the news, I felt a bit of shock and didn’t know how to feel in that moment. Was I allowed to feel sadness or pain given that I had chosen to remove this family from my life? I felt so overwhelmed, I ended up googling “how to grieve the death of an estranged...

Keep Reading

There’s a Little Less of You Here Each Day

In: Grief, Grown Children
Elderly man and younger woman's arms around his neck

I’m sitting here on the front porch, and I’m sobbing. I’m finally grieving. I’ve finally reached the place where my heart knows what my brain has known for years. I am now dreaming of the day we meet again in Heaven, Dad, and you look at me and I will see in your eyes that you know it’s me: your daughter. I won’t be “the woman who comes by every day to our house” as you described me to Mom the other day. And this sucks. This early onset Alzheimer’s has stolen a brilliant mind. It’s stolen my mother’s dear...

Keep Reading

Our College Visit Disaster: What You Should Learn from My Mistakes

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Mom and teen daughter selfie, color photo

With a song in my heart, I got in the car to drive my daughter to our first college visit.  We drove two hours to a school nestled in the mountains. It was a state school, not too big, not too small.  She knew plenty of alumni from her high school who attended there, and I was convinced it was going to be the perfect fit. We pulled up to the student center, and I jumped out of the car. I glanced around for her and realized she was still sitting in the car.  “Mom, I’m not getting out. I ...

Keep Reading

Everything I Know About Motherhood, I Learned from My Mom

In: Grown Children, Motherhood
Mother and daughter walking down snowy path, color photo

I lay in a hospital bed, and the doctor placed my brand-new son into my arms. As I held him close and stared in wonder at this tiny new life, the gravity of being totally responsible for another person settled in with an enormous weight. I could hear my mom’s voice in my mind, “Support the head, hold him close, let him feel you breathe.” Words from my youth when she taught me how to comfort my crying baby cousin. The first lesson I had in taking care of a baby. When I brought my son home from the hospital,...

Keep Reading

I’ll Send You off with a Million Prayers

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Teen walking down sidewalk with suitcase, color photo

I think one of the hardest things about launching your big kids is wondering what baggage they will take with them. Did I give them enough for what comes next? Enough guidance? Enough wisdom Enough confidence and encouragement? Or will they end up carrying the weight of all of my mistakes? My exhaustion? My insecurities? My misplaced fears? What will they hold on to and what will they toss aside as they make room for new experiences, new people, new dreams? RELATED: My Mama Heart Breaks a Little Every Time You Go What lessons will they remember? What moments will...

Keep Reading

Dear Future Daughter-in-Law, I Hope We’ll Be Close

In: Grown Children, Motherhood
Wedding preparation buttoning up dress

Dear future daughter-in-law, My son loves you enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you. That’s a big deal. But I hope you and I can have a relationship too. While I think he’s pretty terrific, I want to know all about you and to have a relationship of our own. I know you are more than his significant other—our relationship may be because of him, but it can also be separate from him. Stop trying so hard. Just be yourself, the woman my son fell in love with. I don’t want you to try to...

Keep Reading