So God Made a Mother is Here! 🎉

February 7th, 2016. My first-ever due date. The day I had been waiting years for. The day our babies were expected to arrive. And now here it is, but without the uncomfortably huge belly, the excruciating contractions, or the welcoming of our precious twins. February 7th. The day our babies should be sleeping in our arms.

Nothing could have prepared me for the roller coaster Seth and I have been on the last few years – one that just keeps going, no matter how sick and disoriented we get. You see, our hearts have longed to expand our family from very early on. But when month after month after month went by, I started to fear that maybe this whole getting pregnant thing wasn’t going to be quite as easy as I had expected. And boy, was I right. In fact, it took nearly four years of trying before we got the biggest surprise of our lives.

June 5th, 2015. The day that I had thought for a long time would never happen – my pregnancy test was POSITIVE! I was pregnant! Naturally, I ran to the store and bought several more, just in case. And sure enough! + + + June 5th. The day I found out I was finally a mother!

At 7 weeks, we had our first ultrasound. I was filled with so much excitement, but also with underlying fear. I remember telling Seth, “I just need to see a strong heartbeat.”  My excited doctor, after a few long moments, fell silent. No heartbeat. My heart sank. She left the room and I burst into uncontrollable tears. I couldn’t believe this was happening. 

We checked my hCG levels. They were not only higher than what matched my ultrasound, but they were increasing appropriately. There was hope! Perhaps I was just earlier than I thought! But several ultrasounds later, we discovered the high hCG was because there were two babies. But neither of them were progressing. Because I showed no signs of miscarriage and the babies did not deliver on their own, I underwent a D&C at 10 weeks. 

July 10th, 2015. I remember checking in first thing in the morning. I was so weepy, so drained of any strength – physical, emotional, or spiritual. Coming out of anesthesia, this only worsened. I’ve never felt such emptiness. Even though my babies had already died before the procedure, they were still with me. But now? Gone. And I felt it. July 10th. The day I hate to remember but never want to forget. The day we said “goodbye” to our sweet babies.

My surgeon assured me I’d be physically feeling better in the next few days than I had been. Except the opposite happened. Beginning on day two after surgery, I started having severe abdominal cramping. This intensified for the next approximately 24 hours. My D&C was incomplete and I was left to labor through miscarrying additional tissue at home. I’ve never experienced such pain – in absolutely every way. 

Little by little, my heart heals. Piece by piece, it mends, though it will never be the same. There will be no “full recovery” until the day I hold my babies in heaven. Some days, I feel the Lord’s strength permeate my severe weakness. Other days, I wonder how I’m going to make it through. But I always do, and it’s no secret why. 

“My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”  -Psalm 73:26

My heart and flesh have literally failed me. But God alone is my only strength – the sole source of my sustenance and true joy. I must choose to receive this gift of strength. Some days I do, and others I don’t.

My closest family and friends have, on many days, absorbed the overflow of the pain from depths of my soul. The question of “why me, God?”  The comparisons. The jealousy. The hopelessness. The discontentment. The anger. But they have helped shoulder the burden and lightened my load. They’ve brought me and my broken heart before the Lord – the safest place I could ever be – the place where my soul can begin to heal. To them I am eternally grateful, and for them I am eternally blessed.

February 7, 2016. The day I choose to praise God for not wasting my pain. The day I remember that He is good. That He knows. That He weeps with me. That He is holding my babies until I can. February 7th. The day I lay my hurt at His feet and let Him cover me with His peace and comfort.

We chose names for our sweet boys that will remind us of God’s omniscience and holiness. Elijah means “my God is I AM.”  Even though we don’t understand His ways, we know and believe He is purposeful in all things. Jude means “praise,” and we want our hearts to continue praising God, regardless of our circumstances or feelings. They share the middle name of Thomas, which is their daddy’s middle name, and means twin.

He Is Holding My Babies Until I Can

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Karah Maschmeier

I have been married to my wonderful husband, Seth, for going on 5 years. We live in Kearney and love it here! I keep myself busy with several things - I work for my dad's law firm as their accountant/office manager, teach private piano lessons, teach Spanish at Faith Christian School, and have an Etsy shop. Seth and I hope very much to be parents soon, and we're excited to see what that will look like for us.

The Grace and Grief of Being a Medical Mama

In: Faith, Motherhood
Hospital bed and IV stand, black-and-white photo

Medical mama—this title and this view hit me. It hits me at different times and in different ways, but it hits me, hard.  Some days, I crumble with thankfulness that God has such a specific plan for my sweet, golden, middle daughter, that He would make ways where it feels there is no way.  There are other times when it hits me with anger and bitterness because I can’t figure out why, in a world full of medical interventions, this is our “fix.”  It hits me.  In the wee hours of another night in the hospital, it hits me that grace...

Keep Reading

I Buried My Heart with My Baby but God Brought Me Back to Life

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Woman in a sweater standing outside looking at sunset

Recently, my world felt as if it were crashing around me. I was so angry I think my rage could have burned a small village. Unfortunately, that rage was directed at God though I knew that wasn’t what I needed to be directing toward Him. He owed me nothing then, and He owes me nothing now; however, my heart was shattered, and for a while, it seemed as if my faith was crumbling with it. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I stopped all positive feelings and allowed myself to succumb to the pain and the anger. When...

Keep Reading

Dear New Mom, God Is Only a Whisper Away

In: Baby, Faith, Motherhood
New mother holding baby on couch, eyes closed

While we were waiting to adopt, I would wake up in the middle of the night panicky. My mind would wander to the thought of suddenly having a baby. With groggy eyes and a cobwebbed mind, I would ask myself, “Could I get up right now to go soothe a crying baby?” And then the insecurities would flood me as I thought through the difficulty of dragging myself out of bed to give milk to a fussy newborn. I didn’t know if I could.  With each application sent to agencies and social workers, the possibility of adopting a baby became more...

Keep Reading

Dear Daughter, You Gave Me Purpose

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother holding baby, color photo

Dear daughter, Before God knit you in my womb, I was wandering around aimlessly, searching for a purpose. I had changed my mind several times about what I wanted to do with my life. I felt so much pressure to figure out what I truly wanted. I rushed into career ideas, only to realize I wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of them. I started grad school, only to quit in three weeks. I was crushed and defeated. I begged God to show me His plan, to give me a purpose. I begged Him to give me something I...

Keep Reading

God Holds Her Every Step of the Way

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother holding infant baby's feet, color photo

We were told she wouldn’t make it to 20 weeks. When she made it, we were told she wouldn’t survive to full-term. When she survived to full-term, we were told she wouldn’t grow properly. When she grew, she thrived. When she thrived, she confused the doctors. RELATED: Keep Fighting, Little Miracle When the doctors tried to find the science to explain away her defeating all the odds, I had the answers. God. Prayers. Miracles. At 10 weeks when I found out about her condition, I prayed. I gathered my prayer warriors, and we prayed. Ultrasound after ultrasound, the technician was...

Keep Reading

Your Marriage Can’t Sit in a Laundry Basket without Getting a Few Wrinkles

In: Faith, Marriage
Couple doing laundry in front of washing machine

Bring on the bottled scent of fresh mountain breeze and seaside lavender. I’ll happily perform the swivel dance of transferring clothes from washer to dryer. I’ll hang those darlings with delicate personalities to gently air dry. I don’t mind the doing part. I’ll do laundry ’til the cows come home. It’s the folding part that I tend to put off. The cows have come home and gone to pasture several times, and that basket of clothes is most likely still sitting there developing more wrinkles than a baby bulldog.  And don’t even get me started on ironing. Let’s just say...

Keep Reading

Overwhelmed Mama, Take a Moment to Sit at the Feet of Jesus

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman sitting in hallway, black and white image

Mama friend, I know you’re exhausted. It feels like you have nothing left to give. You know you need to take a moment for yourself, but you don’t know how. I know it all feels endless—like it will never be any different. I know you long for a week, a day, or an hour to yourself but take this moment. Put the baby in the playpen. Tell the kids to play in their room. Sit down somewhere away from the dirty dishes in the sink and the pile of laundry that has been waiting to be folded for days. Step...

Keep Reading

The Ring Came from a Stranger from Heaven

In: Faith, Living
Large ring on woman's hand, color photo

This ring is not much to look at now—a well-worn piece of turquoise costume jewelry, its cheap metal revealing its quality and insignificant cost. But the value of this ring, “The Ring,” rivals that of my diamond and gold wedding band. It is priceless. For me, it is tangible proof of how an unseen God orchestrates events, circumstances, and people to remind me that miracles do happen and that He hears me—especially when I hurt. I happened upon this precious keepsake at a time in my life when things seemed to be falling apart and when I was feeling very sorry...

Keep Reading

A Mother’s Day Kintsugi Birdhouse: Beauty from Brokenness

In: Faith, Motherhood
Broken birdhouse lying beneath tree, color photo

Seated at the sunroom breakfast table, mouth full of Special K, I glance out the row of windows. A flutter of gray-blue against white paint catches my eye. I quickly swallow. “Y’all, a bird just went inside the bluebird house!” We all stand in a row, mimicking the windows. Yes, my sleepy morning eyes did not deceive me. Tail feathers were protruding from the circular opening. At last, a bird had found its way to this little white house with a tin roof nailed to a lone holly tree in the middle of our backyard. This was not the original...

Keep Reading

A Mother Gives Everything for Always

In: Faith, Motherhood
Young girl kissing mother on cheek

My eyes flickered open and closed as I lay on the hospital bed after giving birth to my first-born daughter. The lights above me felt painfully bright as my eyes fought hard to stay open. Almost lifeless, my body had never felt so depleted. I lay there in a dream-like state, watching the world go on in full speed around me while inside I was in slow motion, barely strong enough to partake in the joy of bringing my daughter into the world. I had given every last ounce of myself, poured out until there was not much left. My...

Keep Reading