Child Loss Grief

Her Brother Didn’t Come Home

Her Brother Didn’t Come Home www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Missy Hillmer

A gentle breeze is blowing. I see a dragonfly dancing in front of me as I sit here on our porch and stare into the distance. It’s a view I see in my head many times. It’s the view of the road my son Tyler lost his life on. The road is one mile from our house. We drive it every day and can see everyone who is on it from there. As I sit on our porch I can remember seeing lights come down that road the night of August 23, 2013 and then just stop.

The car never came through the trees, Tyler never came home.

I remember getting up the next morning, after not sleeping. Knowing I would be the one to tell our daughter Gracie the news. I remember going over the plan. I would wait until she gets up to tell her. But I knew I couldn’t wait too long because the news would be out and our house would be flooded with people. So I waited and prepared. But how do you prepare to tell your 9-year-old daughter that her brother whom she did EVERYTHING with is gone? He is not EVER coming home. Plus, this was a big weekend for her. She had made it to State Fair in the Pedal Tractor Pull and her cheer group was performing on Sunday as well. So many fun, exciting things she was waiting to do when she got up. But I had to be the one to give her the bad news.

The time had come. She woke up and with just enough time before the first car came flying up the driveway. I took her into our bedroom and held her tight and slowing, gently told her. I told her that Tyler was in a car accident last night and he did not make it. I will never know how I did it because I can’t even type it now without crying. I can remember seeing her eyes so confused. For the longest time we just sat on the bed crying and holding each other.

She had so many questions, but so did everyone. I did my best to answer what I could and reminded her I also had lots of questions. However, many times our questions never get answered. That is when we have to learn to trust God will get us through this sad time. I mean, how did I expect a 9-year-old to understand “Trusting God” when I don’t understand? I just reminded her that we will get thought this as a family. That it’s ok to show tears, it’s ok to be mad, it’s ok to not understand, but don’t stop talking.

I can remember trying to be strong and not show my tears around her. But then I had this little voice in my head saying, “You just told her it’s ok to cry.” From that moment on I just hugged her, cried with her and many times when she asked me questions I couldn’t answer. I simply said, “I don’t know and we may never know the answer, but we have to keep our faith and trust God.”

Since that day there have been many times I look at her and see sadness. There are other times she wanders, as if she is looking for someone or something she had lost. I know it’s not having Tyler here to shoot hoops with, watch a movie with or just hang out with. It’s that older brother who was like a friend. He paid attention to her, included her in things and reminded her that everything was going to be alright.

I know she misses him SO MUCH! They had so many plans! She couldn’t wait until she was in junior high and he was in high school because they would be on the same side of the school and could see each other throughout the day. They even made plans for her to move into the basement after her older brother Jake went to college. Plus new experiences like the few times Tyler drove them to school and special memories she told me about how he always shared Starburst candy on the way there. She even has recorded messages and video she made of him not knowing those would be the last. But now she treasures them forever.

It will be four years that she has been without him on August 23. She is now 13 years old and in the 8th grade. Gracie is living out one of their plans by being in junior high on the other side without him. She has told me many times how much she misses not having him there to say “hi” to her daily and driving her to school. Somedays I look at her and still see the sadness. I know a part of her heart broke just like mine the day he didn’t come home. However, I know for a fact he is with her all the time. She feels the breeze blow just like I did the night of the accident and knows he’s there. She sees him in the dragonflies that float in front of us this time of year. She is reminded of him when she hears his favorite songs play as we are shopping or on the radio. Yes, her life will go on. She will continue to grow, experience new things, but deep down inside she will take a part of Tyler with her every bit of the way.

About the author

Missy Hillmer

My name is Missy Hillmer. I’m married, live in a small town named Palmer, NE and have 3 children. Jake is our oldest who is 19 years old and Gracie is 11 who lives here with us. Tyler which was 15 years on August 20, 2013 is now in Heaven. He was killed in a car accident just 3 short days after his 15th birthday.

I am very honest, very real sometimes to the point of not being fun, I guess that’s because I’m a black and white kind of girl. I like to look at the positive in every situation. I really believe there are two ways to look at things. Look for the bad or the good. The “bad” does me no justice and can spiral out of control in a heartbeat. The “good” however gives me hope and it connects with my belief that God is with me through everything.

I believe my faith has gotten me through life and especially since my son’s accident. I pray a lot more, watch for the signs that God gives me, listen to my inner gut feeling, as my husband calls it and really focus on living a simple life. Family means everything to me, I love to laugh and think it’s the best medicine for any problem. Music soothes my sole and being outside in the sun brings me great joy!

I have learned that many times you cannot control the storm in your life but, you can learn to dance in the rain. I really mean it when I say DANCE in the RAIN! The summer before Tyler’s accident, Tyler, Gracie & I danced in the rain. This memory I will never forget!

Since Tyler’s accident I am passionate about telling my story with the hope that it will help or inspire at least one person.