Tomorrow is going to be seven years since my mom has been gone. Saying that out loud seems so surreal sometimes. How can it be that seven years can feel like yesterday and forever at the same time? Is this a familiar feeling you feel as well? How is it that death and losing someone we love can seem so close to our everyday lives but also a million miles away at the same time?
A question I’m asked constantly is, “When does it get easier?” Honestly, that is one of the most complicated questions of all time.
Some days, it truly does seem like it is getting easier. It feels like the grief has subsided a bit and that I have gotten to a place where I am truly past it. These days are scary because they make me fear I will forget things about my mom, that she is getting more distant from the forefront of my mind.
But then, other days happen. These days make me feel like my mom died yesterday. These days I am facing my grief head-on like I am right back in those very dark days right after my mom died.
The days leading up to the anniversary of my mom’s death are definitely some of the worst. It is crazy how easily I forget things that happened yesterday, but I can remember so vividly all of the painful details of the last days of my mom’s life, the day she died, and those terrible days that followed.
That being said, no amount of time has made the bad days easier. No amount of time has filled the void that has been left since my mom died.
No amount of time has made up for the fact that my mom won’t be at my wedding or will never meet my kids. No amount of time will make the fact that I will always miss my mom ever go away.
And I don’t think I’d want it to. My mom was the most important person in my life. She loved me unconditionally in a way only a mother could. I know I could never forget her. I know that I could never stop missing her. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am right now, today if it wasn’t for the love shared between my mom and me and the pain caused by having to lose her.
No amount of time will fix the fact that my mom isn’t here.
This post originally appeared on the author’s blog
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