Fathers are often overlooked when it comes to addressing grief associated with pregnancy and infant loss. Terry shared a first hand account of his experience as a grieving father from an era where discussing the loss of a child was a taboo subject. We thank him for his contribution to our day of remembrance.

————————–

Only God knows the reason for taking them but still it hurts.

I don’t have the experience of carrying a baby since I’m the dad. I would guess that women have a different feeling about it because they have a physical connection with the baby, even before it’s born. There’s a lot of time, energy and sacrifices that they make when pregnant.

We knew ahead of time that Anthony would be stillborn. We went to a doctor and he couldn’t find a heartbeat. He kept saying “It’s fine. It’s fine.” I finally convinced my wife to go to a new doctor and he said, “I’ll tell you, it may not be, but expect it to be dead.” When Anthony was stillborn, I passed out, right there in the labor room. I just kept thinking “It’s a lie.”

With my other child, Terry, that hurt was different. It was deeper, I think. I had time with him. I got to hold him. I bonded with him. He died of SIDS at 6 weeks. I wasn’t home but I got a phone call from my wife. At that time, I don’t think people really understood SIDS. My aunt drove back with me after I got that phone call and she kept saying “Your wife had to have done something to that baby for it to die.” That was so upsetting. They said if they could ever figure out anything about SIDS, they would get ahold of me. That was over 30 years ago and no one has ever cared to tell me more.

I wanted to put something in Terry’s coffin. I found a little teddy bear that said “I love you.” When I went to put it in the coffin, my mother-in-law at the time stopped me. She said it wasn’t right to put things in the coffin, that the baby wouldn’t care if it was there. I wish I wouldn’t have backed down. I should have just done what I wanted. I thought God would let me son have the teddy bear in Heaven, that maybe Terry would be more comforted knowing that he had something from his father that said “I love you.”

It hurt that my wife wouldn’t talk about either of the deaths. She’d tell me to “Shut up. I don’t want to hear anything about it.” I think that’s why I take it harder even after all these years. I feel like it built up in me. We had a lot of fights over it, lots of anger. As a father, I was angry. I think it was people saying things like “You can have another one.” We did have kids afterwards, but it’s not the same. Those children cannot replace the ones that you lost. You can’t do that. Each baby is its own special person and gift.

You always think of them on their birthday. And what do you do for them? Would they even know if you put something on the grave? I find myself wondering about what they’d be like. Would they like sports? Hunting? Fishing? I just don’t know. I just wish they could be here. Around the holidays and their birthdays bugs me the worst. I just hope they’re in Heaven and looking down so they know my feelings and so I can see them someday.

My grief has changed over the years. I wanted to jump into my 6-week-old’s grave at that time. Now my grief is still intense and far from ever being gone but it’s easier to cope now. I’ve learned to cope with it. People say “You’re supposed to go before your kids, that’s the way of life.” Well, they can’t imagine what it’s like when life doesn’t happen that way, when your kids go before you and you’re left to deal with that pain. My grief hasn’t disappeared. And I never want to “get over it.” That’s not going to happen until I join them in Heaven.

I really didn’t have any resources. People don’t talk about this subject and there were no resources 30 years ago. I don’t know if it would have been better if my wife would have talked about it with me. I felt like she was the only one who could relate and she wouldn’t even talk to me. I just found out that October is dedicated to these kinds of losses. It’s extra important to me because Terry’s birthday is October 25th people can get it out. To honor those parents who’ve had to deal with something like this. It gives us voice because it’s so hard.

~ Terry

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Leah Peterson

Leah Peterson is a native Nebraskan, living on the ranch her ancestors homesteaded in 1878. She and her husband Matt, met at the University of Nebraska Lincoln, and returned to the ranch in 2012 after working and living in Central Nebraska the past 12 years. They are parents to two daughters, Maggie and Lucy. Leah has an undergrad degree from UNL in Communication Studies, and a MA in Leadership from Bellevue University. Aside from her work at the ranch and opportunity to be a stay at home mom, she enjoys writing, photography, community involvement, spending time with friends and family and trying new recipes in her kitchen. Leah published her first children's book in 2011 titled "An Apple for Dapple" and enjoys traveling throughout the state to share her book with children and raise awareness about the importance Agriculture in Nebraska.

My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born

In: Child Loss, Grief
My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born www.herviewfromhome.com

My baby was stillborn, but still born. In a cool white hospital room where so many had been born before. My body trembled and shook as his body worked its way out of my womb and into the hands of a doctor. He was void of breath, of sound, of movement, but he was still born. My baby was stillborn, but still lived. In the darkness of my womb. The outline of his body was visible against the darkness of the screen, his presence undeniable. The sound of his heartbeat drowned out the sound of mine as I watched his...

Keep Reading

I Am Not My Child’s Death

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Faith, Grief
I Am Not My Child's Death www.herviewfromhome.com

We are NOT what has happened to us or what this world says we are. That is not what defines us. While we are grieving parents, that is not what our whole story has to be about. Although, at times, we feel that our story is over. We ask, how do we go on and live full lives without our sweet Sophie with us? I’m still not 100 percent sure I know the answer to that. BUT the Lord says I am beloved. I am redeemed and accepted. I am holy and chosen. I am righteous and complete. I am...

Keep Reading

The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child

In: Child Loss, Grief, Motherhood
The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child www.herviewfromhome.com

Within the first three months following the death of my newborn daughter, I participated in one baby shower, attended two first birthday parties, had multiple infants in and around my home, and watched not one, not two, but five of my closest friends take happy, healthy babies home from the hospital. And in the midst of my own life-altering experience, I purchased, wrapped, and mailed a gift to every one of those new babies, because they deserved one. In the days and months after my daughter died, I didn’t run away or hide from babies at all. And this seemed...

Keep Reading

6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss

In: Child Loss, Grief, Kids, Motherhood
6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss www.herviewfromhome.com

Following the death of our infant daughter, I found myself facing an opportunity to activate the immense power of personal choice. Time and time again. Hour after hour, day after day. It felt as if every moment that passed provided me with a choice: to let the grief consume me, or not. In the midst of the most emotionally complex experience of my life, my ability to survive felt as simple as that. Will grief consume me, or not? Once I began believing that Olivia had lived out her life’s plan completely—that she had come, she had loved, she had...

Keep Reading

To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone

In: Child Loss, Grief, Infertility, Motherhood
To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone www.herviewfromhome.com

You are walking the hardest path anyone will ever walk—living this life without your children. Your losses have come in many shapes and sizes. You’ve lost tiny heartbeats early in the womb. You’ve screamed and sobbed through labor to deliver a silent but perfect little bundle. You’ve held a fragile infant for hours, days, weeks, or months, only to give him back to Heaven. You’ve watched your little one grow into a curious toddler and then held her a final time as disease or an accident took her away. You’ve lived a full childhood with your baby and even watched...

Keep Reading

A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief, Miscarriage
A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven www.herviewfromhome.com

Dear Mama, I know you miss me and wish you could watch me grow up. But instead, you sit in that rocking chair, tears streaming down your face, arms wrapped around the blanket that was supposed to be mine. I see you crying, Mama, wishing you could hold me. Wishing you could look into my eyes. Wishing you could hear me cry or call you “Mama”. I want you to know Jesus rocks me to sleep every night and while He does it, He tells me all about you. I know tulips are your favorite flower and that every spring...

Keep Reading

God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief
God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle www.herviewfromhome.com

I used to be someone who said, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” That was before I had faced any hardships in my life. I didn’t know who God truly is. When people are going through something hard and decide to share it, it makes people uncomfortable. It’s hard to watch others who are hurting, and it’s hard not knowing how to help when it’s someone you love. “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is a very well-meaning encouragement that I know is meant in love. I’ve said it before! But it’s not really...

Keep Reading

Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters

In: Child Loss, Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters www.herviewfromhome.com

“We should get a tattoo, Mom.” I laughed. I knew it was just my younger daughter, Sarah’s way of getting herself a tattoo—to go along with her nose ring, and six ear piercings. She didn’t really want me to get one. Did she? “Truth!” My oldest, more conservative daughter, Elle, chimed in. “We should all go.” What? Home from college just five minutes, maybe she was bored. I heard tattoos really hurt and she hates pain, like I do. I glared at my two daughters, now 17 and 19. They can read my mind. I knew it! There was something...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Sure How Long I’ll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal…and That’s OK

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Grief, Mental Health
I'm Not Sure How Long I'll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal...and That's OK www.herviewfromhome.com

I tried to wean off of Zoloft and couldn’t. And that’s OK. I had never really been aware of the world of antidepressants. My life has been relatively uneventful—with the normal ups and downs that most of us go through. I knew people on medication for depression but never understood. How can you be THAT sad that you can’t just be positive and make the best of your circumstances? How can someone be THAT unhappy ALL the time to need medication? I didn’t get it. I felt bad for people going through it. Then my 2-year-old was diagnosed with Stage...

Keep Reading

To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes

In: Cancer, Child, Child Loss, Health
To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes www.herviewfromhome.com

Most people never get to meet their heroes. I have, in fact—I have met many heroes. These heroes didn’t set out for greatness; they fell victim to a terrible disease and faced it with courage, might and bravery like I have never seen before. And when we talk about this type of battle, there is no such thing as losing. whether the battle ended in death, life, or debility, each of these heroes defeated. My heroes are the innocent children who battle cancer. I high-fived, hugged, wept over, laughed and played with my heroes for 10 years as a nurse. And you better believe I...

Keep Reading