All I could cry out was… H E L P!
Life was falling apart at the seams, my ex-husband was fighting for custody of my kids, I had two major surgeries, lost two jobs and my insecurities were crippling my two year relationship. I was broken, hurting, numb, at a loss for words, emotion, and hope.
Shortly after a disagreement with one of my son’s, I squared away what little life I had and went to see my mom in Washington State. I needed to stay there until I got my bearings or didn’t feel like life hit me in the gut so hard I couldn’t breathe or think. While I visited my mom, I scraped myself out of bed and went on a daily walk in some of the most beautiful, scenic trails in North America. I felt like I was in a dream where everything around me was beautiful, but me and I couldn’t wake up.
The first week of my visit, I just was numb, just taking steps to get to the trail and put one foot in front of the other was all I could muster. The second week I finally could stop a minute and pray to the God I knew was watching. I was too exhausted to ask ‘why’ or ‘what,’ I couldn’t tell Him what I wanted or that I am sorry for my mistakes. I simply opened my mouth and said in a small, breathless voice; H E L P… then, I continued on my walk. There was a small release and tears streamed down my face. People were passing by and I was a mess but I simply did not care. With each tear drop were the questions, regrets, worries, that I couldn’t put into words but I knew He heard. Later, that week while at my mom’s, I wrote in a journal what I needed help with. I wrote down simple words like ‘job’, ‘kids’, ‘relationships’ because it’s all I had the energy to say or write. From that day, to the day I left my mom’s, I gained strength ever so little by little. I organized my thoughts, came up with a game plan and I was strong enough to go home and face my reality.
Some people may think or believe ‘just look at the good’ or ‘those issues are just part of life.’ They are right, you are right but to me, they were/are my life and everything I identified myself with. It’s been a few months since that journey to my mom’s, small doses of truth have been revealed. The truth about my thinking or choices have been tough to take and difficult to process and store away in that ‘healthy’ thinking/living part of my brain.
Today, knocking at my door is a ‘biggie’ it’s a lie I’ve believed for years; ‘you’re not enough Peggy.’ I finally see how that lie squeezes and stifles the people I love most because I am looking for affirmation from and in them. I realize that no one can give me what I need but me. So today, after a difficult but honest conversation with my boyfriend, I realize that I have to find that answer for me or a person I hold very dear, may be lost because of my insecurity. I know all the right answers to finding my worth but truly believing and making it mine has eluded me.
In the past when I have dealt with some poor habits, stupid mistakes or hurtful realities I’ve felt alone. One thing I know for sure, is I am not alone. Someone, somewhere is going through something similar. So, I’ll be vulnerable and tell you where I am and what I am learning the good, bad and ugly, (no, Clint Eastwood isn’t in this story YET).
Whatever my words or circumstance have to offer, I invite you to take this journey with me. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll help you or someone you love. I am sure there will be laughter, smiles and even tears but no matter what, the good news is… life’s in progress. ~Peggy