We got the call.

My sister-in-law called to let us know that our two year old nephew had news to tell us. He was going to be a BIG BROTHER! In the moment I was excited for them, I really was. It was amazing news. They had planned it. Their son will be a wonderful brother. And we will be an aunt and uncle all over again. Yet the next day, when the text came through with the ultrasound image, I broke down crying. See, the last two years for us have been filled with tears, pain, lots of questioning, and even more amounts of prayers and hope for a healthy ultrasound image like that.

Just as we begin to feel that we have healed enough to give it another try, gaining that courage to potentially go through it all again, we get the news that someone close to us is experiencing that joy that we have been praying, hoping, and longing for. The news has brought on a whole new set of emotions that I wasn’t ready for.

Maybe this is a new part of my healing process. Maybe God is testing me once more.

Once it has happened to you, things are different. You are part of a club you never intended to be a part of. It is not like in high school where you sign up or try out for the clubs you want to actively participate in. You are added because of a painful situation you have gone through.

Before it happened to me, I thought pregnancy always lead to child birth. I thought those two pink lines or that word “pregnant” on the stick made it a guarantee. Two years and two miscarriages later, I can assure you that is not the case.

You initially want to ask all the questions. Why? How did it happen? When did it happen? When can we try again? Am I strong enough to go through that again? What did I do wrong?

The doctor assures you that it happens more than you know. He explains that you’ve had a successful pregnancy with your first child and that all signs show your body is capable. That quiets your mind for a moment, but doesn’t make the pain any less.

A month is a really long time when you are waiting for a positive test. It is even longer when you are waiting on an ultrasound to confirm that things are progressing the way they should. Even longer still when you are waiting for things to return to their normal cycle in order to try it all again. And even longer yet when you add months in to heal and gain your courage back.

After the first time we gave ourselves a break. We took things as a sign from God that it wasn’t our time and from that pain came personal growth. It changed the course of my professional career, and for that, I am thankful. It was the silver lining in all of it, if you will.

When we felt “ready” to try again, the timing happened to match up to our first miscarriage, which seemed to be a sign. It didn’t happen last year, but THIS is our year, Babe. We have grown. We have prepared. We have grieved. And now is our time. With hope along for the ride, down that same path we went… and it wasn’t our time.

That same week of the year that our hearts were broken the previous year, they were broken again with a second early miscarriage. This time the doctor tells us it was a chemical pregnancy that my body was acting as if there was a child growing when in fact nothing was developing.

Did I wish too hard this time? Did I want it too much? How does that even happen? Why did my body react the way that it did?

As we now feel “ready” once more to give it a shot, I can’t help but realize how close we are to that same time of the year. Is it a sign that third time is a charm, or am I setting myself up to be hurt again? With the news from my sister-in-law, I want to be excited. I am excited, and yet at the same time, sad. I’m struggling with a pain that I wasn’t expecting to feel. I’m hoping that maybe we can watch our bellies grow together and praying that God will show me the way because I am not capable without Him.

For those in this club, I pray for you to be brave enough to believe that God will reveal His plan for us.

For those not in this club, I pray for you to be willing to share your news and understand that we are excited for you, yet show us patience as we sort through our emotions.

For those who find themselves struggling to stay patient, I pray that we remember to enjoy each day we are given, that each day is a gift and that nothing in this life is a guarantee.

For anyone who has endured pain, I pray that you are willing to be vulnerable, to know that from pain you can grow. I pray that in those tough times in life, where you are left questioning, you believe, have hope and find your silver lining.