Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

On a recent car trip, my daughter asked a thought-provoking question. (What better location, with no opportunity to make eye contact?) She wanted to know, honestly, if I regretted staying home with her and her siblings. She asked if I felt that I missed out on things, if I regretted giving up a career.

I answered, honestly, “No.” Though being a full-time mom was not in my plans when I was young, it was one of the best decisions I made in my life. I continued, “Yes, I loved my job, but at the same time, I hated my life.” My thoughts continued to spill out: The brutal schedule (day care drop off, work, day care pickup, dinner, bedtime, just to start it all over the next day) wore on me and I felt like I was not a very good mom. While playing pretend and changing diapers (so many diapers) was also a drain, it didn’t leave me feeling empty or unfulfilled. Besides, if I had kept working, there is no way I would have had four kids, maybe not even three, so my life would have been much less interesting. (And she would not have been born.)

When I was growing up, I didn’t want to have kids. Unlike some of my peers who dreamed of nurturing other humans as a nurse, a teacher or a mom, I wanted to be an astronaut, a writer and for many years, a veterinarian. Then I fell in love with a man who painted a very nice picture of a traditional family, and I switched course. We had a child, and after a year and a half, I started an editorial job. The schedule was hectic, but we made it work. When our second was born, I made the decision to stay home. Financially it didn’t make sense to work, and I dreaded the thought of missing all the “firsts”.

When I shared this news with family and friends, they all thought I had made a mistake. They worried I would regret it and I would grow to resent my husband and kids. They repeatedly pointed out I loved my job (true) and said I would be bored being home all the time. I dismissed their concerns and over time came to the realization that this “Mom thing” was what I truly was called to do. Being a full-time parent was the most challenging, yet most rewarding, thing I could ever choose to do in my life.

As the conversation with my daughter continued, I realized it wasn’t really about me. Though she was interested in my answer (and reassured me that she wouldn’t take it personally if I said I regretted leaving my career), this conversation went deeper. As a young adult, she was sorting out her own feelings, thinking about her future life. Like so many people her age, she was feeling pressure to determine what to be “when she grows up”.

This caught me off guard and made me think, long after this conversation. Getting a college degree was expected, both of me and of my children. But we rarely talked about what comes next. We tend to talk to teens and young adults about career goals, not family goals. In many cases, having a family is assumed, but it doesn’t come up in the life plan. You don’t often hear one aspire to be a parent. Perhaps that’s what some secretly want, but few are courageous enough to admit it.

We talk with our children about how important it is to find a job that will enable them to earn enough to support themselves and potentially a family in the future, but parenting is still seen as a side gig. I wondered, does this focus on career make me a hypocrite or discount what I have spent most of my adult life doing?

I am a firm believer that no education is wasted. That being said, I had my moments of doubt when, as a young mom, I faced student loan debt and the rising prices (and shrinking packages) of diapers. My degree felt worthless when my friends talked about their careers and the latest bestselling novel they were reading while my recent reads included Dr. Seuss and tales of hungry caterpillars. I felt like an outsider and had twinges of envy, but even then, I didn’t regret my choice.

I thought I’d go back to work when my youngest entered kindergarten, like many of my friends did, but my oldest was then entering high school and I quickly realized how very important it was for me to be available in those after-school hours. I saw older teens making bad, life-altering decisions. Today’s middle and high school experiences are more demanding and stressful than what I experienced. I put off the idea of a career, and didn’t once regret my choice.

While many can parent and work at the same time (and do it well), no one does it alone. Someone has to take care of the children. But somehow, choosing to be a stay-at-home parent isn’t considered a job, at least not one to aspire to. Why is that? What does that say about our society? Perhaps it’s time to include parenting as a viable option for what “comes next”.

We have made it acceptable for anyone to be a parent, but not to aspire to be one. We prepare our children for all sorts of tasks. They gain specialized knowledge in any field one can imagine, but not only do we do nothing to prepare the next generation to be parents, we don’t even encourage them.

I hope my children believe me when I say I will support them if they choose to be stay-at-home parents (and that includes my son). Of course we need jobs to pay the bills and we each have a responsibility to make a contribution to society, but parenting is not a lesser choice. Though the decision to be a stay-at-home parent did impact my career and my lifetime earnings, for me, the alternative was less valuable.

Do I regret it? Not for a minute.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Kimberly Yavorski

Kimberly Yavorski is a freelancer and mom of four who writes frequently on the topics of parenting, education, social issues and the outdoors. She is always searching for things to learn and new places to explore. Links to her writing and blogs can be found at www.kimberlyyavorski.com.

The Isolation of Motherhood

In: Friendship, Motherhood
Mom sitting beside stroller, black and white image

During my early years of having children, I can recall feeling like I needed more help with juggling—taking care of my little ones and our home. Although my mother-in-law was only a 10-minute drive away, she was preoccupied looking after my nephew and nieces. Awkwardly, I would only ask if it was really necessary—like a doctor’s appointment or the dentist. Even at church, it was difficult to ask for help—either we didn’t know certain members well enough to entrust our kids to their care or they were friends with children too and that hardly seemed fair to burden them. The...

Keep Reading

You’re Learning Life by Watching Me

In: Kids, Motherhood
Child touching mother's face as they lie on a bed

Every morning my daughter and I go outside for some fresh air. She feeds her chickens and plays and explores and walks around with her dog while I follow her around and have a cup of coffee.  This morning, my girl grabbed one of her coffee cups from her toy kitchen and brought it outside with her while she walked with her dog and pretended to take sips out of it.  Guys. I stood there watching her with her toy coffee cup, walking around with her animals, and I cried giant baby tears.  RELATED: I Wasn’t Counting On You Growing...

Keep Reading

What Happens to the Mamas When Their Children Are Grown?

In: Faith, Motherhood
Five children walking hand-in-hand, color photo

A friend came up to me the other day after church and commented, “I’ve never seen you alone. I had to make sure you were okay.” It’s true. I’m never alone. I usually have one or two children hanging onto me and three more milling about with my husband close. But at that moment, my husband had stepped away to collect the younger ones from the children’s service, and my older two had run off with their friends. I was standing alone. And as I stood there, one thought crossed my mind, “This is what it will be like when...

Keep Reading

Hello Midnight

In: Motherhood
Mother in child's room at night

Hello again, Midnight. I wish I could say I was happy to see you. My, what a journey we have had together over the years. I must admit I thought we started out as friends, but as we meet these days, I sense an unkindness about you. Our journey began when I was somewhere around 12. Sure, I had met you in passing on occasion in years prior, but it wasn’t until now that I sought out your companionship. Some middle school girlfriends and I stayed up late, feeling rebellious against bedtime. We were fascinated by the way the world...

Keep Reading

Please Don’t Ask When I’m Having Another Baby

In: Baby, Motherhood
Pregnant woman standing lakeside, color photo

We’ve all been asked it. Maybe once, maybe more times than we can count. Maybe we’ve even asked it ourselves, “When are you trying for baby #2?” It seems harmless, and most of the time it probably is. Pre-baby me never even stopped to consider that it was anything other than a curious, sometimes nosey, question to ask. The mom version of me today feels a completely different way. It’s now deeper and more complicated than it seemed in the past. The mom in me struggles every single time I’m asked this. Struggles to come up with an answer. Struggles...

Keep Reading

I Am a Wrestling Mom

In: Kids, Motherhood
Three young boys with wrestling medals, color photo

As the sun is rising on a frigid winter morning, a brave and determined group of athletes are weighing in at a high school gym. They are physically and mentally preparing for a long day spent at a tournament where they will spend only minutes wrestling, despite the hours they sit and wait all day. Their sport uses offense, defense, and mental strength unlike any other sport. My sons and nephew are wrestlers. They are part of a special team of athletes who work together but compete as individuals.           Their youth team is run by all volunteer coaches with...

Keep Reading

3 Ways to Help Your Firstborn Embrace Becoming a Big Brother

In: Baby, Kids, Motherhood, Toddler
Pregnant woman holding toddler son, color photo

My oldest son turned four right after his first brother was born. Four years of alone time with his parents. Four years of extra mommy time during the week. Four years of having toys to himself, extra attention from family members, and more. I didn’t plan a four-year age gap; it took our family a lot longer and a lot more help than we expected to have our second son, but age gaps aren’t everything. When my second son was finally on the way, I heard a lot of opinions about how our oldest son would feel once he finally...

Keep Reading

To the Mom Going through a Divorce

In: Living, Marriage, Motherhood
Woman holding young girl outside, blurred background

To the mom going through a divorce: you can do this. I’ve been where you are, staring at a mountain of changes and challenges that felt insurmountable. The crushing ache of divorce, of family disruption, of building a new life, and helping my son through it all seemed endless and impossible. But eventually, I made it through to the other side, and I want you to know: the pain won’t last forever.  The first year following a divorce is an overwhelming puzzle of putting your life back together. And when there are kids involved, there is so much more to...

Keep Reading

Dear Busy Sports Mom: It’s Worth It

In: Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Mom watching soccer game, photo from behind

My daughter stands on the front porch every morning and waves goodbye to me as I pull out of the driveway to go to work.  She is 11, and recently eye-rolling, long sighs, and tears have become more commonplace in our daily interactions. But, there is also this: “Bye! Have a good day!” she calls to me in the quiet of early morning, neighbors not yet awake in their still dark houses. “You are AMAZING! You got this!” she continues in her little adult voice, sounding more like a soccer mom than a fifth grader.   Her hair is still a...

Keep Reading

To My Son at 12

In: Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Young boy on a baseball diamond, color photo

My son, you are 12 years old. You are a young boy in the last days before you become a young man. You are a boy fully realized, having reached the summit of childhood. You can read fat books, catch fly balls, and ride your bike to your friends’ houses. You still get excited about Pokémon cards and Nintendo games. You still want LEGO sets for your birthday and Christmas even though you enjoy them more for the building and delight of owning them than for the playing.  You still wrestle and sword fight with your little brother. RELATED: My...

Keep Reading