I’m not good enough.

Those are the words that have swirled through my mind nearly every day since becoming a mom.

Because none of this is how it was supposed to be.

It’s not how I was supposed to be.

I was supposed to be able to maintain a tidy home.

I was supposed to delight in preparing dinner for my family.

I was supposed to take joy in wiping tiny fingerprints off every surface of my home.

I was supposed to cherish all the late night snuggles.

But it’s not always that way.

My house is rarely as clean as I’d like it, and most nights I resent standing in front of the stove.

The fingerprints aren’t always as precious as I’d thought they’d be, and sometimes I just want to sleep.

And I tell myself that things are this way because I’m plain and simply not good enough.

If only I were better, then everything would be better.

The house would be cleaner.

I’d enjoy time spent in the kitchen.

Those fingerprints would remind me of my beautiful children rather than being another pesky task added to my endless to-do list.

I’d be wise enough to recognize that the sleepless nights are fleeting, and I’d hold on for dear life instead of praying for sleep to come more swiftly.

But because things are so different from what I’d expected motherhood to look like, I must not be good enough.

When the house is a mess, I’m not a good enough homemaker.

When my kids misbehave, I’m not a good enough mother.

When I just don’t have the energy to make my husband’s lunch for him, I’m not a good enough wife.

It’s such a struggle, this unexpected battle against unworthiness as a mom.

I never, ever anticipated feeling this crummy at my job.

But I’m going to fight.

I’m determined to wage war against the lies, clinging to the truth that neither a spotless home nor perfect children are what make me worthy.

Because I am good enough.

In all of my messy home, tantrum-throwing children, exhausted by the demands of my day glory, I’m good enough.

And so are you.

This article originally appeared on Kisses From Boys with Krista Ward

 

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Krista Ward

Krista is a former first grade teacher turned stay-at-home mom to her insanely precious little boys, Hudson and Jones. She is married to her best friend and high school sweetheart, Randy, who is the peanut butter to her chocolate. Krista hopes to be a light and joy to the world, especially other mamas feeling stuck in the daily grind, through her writing.