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The habit started long before you were born. I think it started even before I became an EMT, but that of course accentuates it. 

When it came time for you to first be left in the caring hands of a trusted family member, I could barely bring myself to leave. Images of you choking and someone not being able to clear it daunted me. 

RELATED: A Mother’s Mind Never Rests, Because We Carry The Mental Load

What if they forgot you in a hot car? What if they got frustrated when you wouldn’t stop crying? Absolutely ridiculous notions considering who I was leaving you with.

But my worst-case-scenario mind runs out of control at times. 

I’m a car seat fanatic. The straps have to be snug and the chest plate in the perfect position. The tethers have to be tightened to the max. And you can bet my child will be in a booster for an awkward amount of time. 

I don’t know what I will do when it’s time for you to start wildly jumping on the trampoline with friends or riding four-wheelers and horses. I’m going to be a nervous wreck when you ask to go water tubing for the first time. 

I just desperately want to keep you safe.

I want to keep you from the pain I have seen other children experience. It’s hard enough on my heart to see others go through it, let alone my own babies.

RELATED: Dear Kids, I’m Growing Alongside You

I promise I will try to get better at relinquishing control to God before you get much older. I probably won’t have a choice. I don’t want to hold you back from the exciting things in life. The truth is, you aren’t even mine, you are on loan to me from your Heavenly Father. And He has your best interest at heart. So I don’t know why I fear. He has you in His hands. 

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So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Kamrie Smith

Kamrie is a rancher’s wife, a mom of two girls, and an EMT. In her free time she enjoys horseback rides in the Montana mountains, coffee walks with friends, playing with her girls, and jotting down thoughts to share with others.

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