Imagine this:

Your husband is constantly spending all day in pajamas, or gym attire. He doesn’t make taking care of himself a priority, often forgetting to shower and is now sporting dirty hair and an unshaven face for the third day in a row. He has dark circles under his eyes and a grumpy disposition because of his long to-do list. While he is a wonderful father, you often feel like you are the last thing on his mind. At the end of the day, he collapses on the couch and binges television until he falls asleep.

Now truthfully answer this:

Would you feel loved and honored as a partner? Would you feel attracted to him?

I wouldn’t, and when I think about it that way, it’s obvious to me that I never want my husband to feel that way either.

Let’s be honest ladies—we show up for our children, our friends, and our family members but so often we forget about our husbands. We give them whatever we have left at the end of the day, which is often nothing. We tend to take them for granted, to forget that while they can feed and bath themselves (unlike our children!), they still need us. They need to feel valued, respected and connected to us. 

My husband is my partner and very best friend and he is (or should be) my first priority. He works extremely hard all day long to provide for our family. To give us this life that allows me to stay home and raise our babies. And while the days are long and the to-do lists never-ending, that doesn’t give me a permission slip to let myself go.

To be clear, my husband does not ask or expect me to look good for him. But as his wife, I expect it of myself. I want to give him the very best version of myself and that means taking time to put a little effort into how I look. He’d never admit it but I’m pretty confident he would prefer put-together me over the alternative. Not only is it more attractive but looking put-together assures him that I am managing the home and children well (or at least faking it really well). 

Time is valuable and we mamas don’t have hours to spend dolling ourselves up for our husbands (although every once and awhile it is fun!). Finding ways to spend a few quick minutes on yourself can make a huge difference. I have four babies at home so let’s be honest, getting a shower in is sometimes a struggle. What makes a huge difference for me—shower or not—is getting dressed. I make a point not to spend all day in pajamas or yoga pants. Also, while I’m not a big makeup person, I do find that a quick dab of concealer and swipe of mascara make me feel better. 

For all the tired mamas out there who want to look good for their husbands but are barely keeping their head above water right now, let me try to encourage you. I don’t succeed with this every day. This has also taken me more than six years of working on it. Those early years after I first became a mom, I assure you I looked like a hot mess every day. 

Some days are rougher than others and all we can manage is to take care of the kids. That’s OK! On those days, my husband is lucky if I have a clean shirt on. On the other days though, I try to get dressed early in the day even if the reality is that sometimes I throw on a clean outfit and mascara 10 minutes before he gets home from work. 

Here’s the bottom line: when I feel good about how I look, I project that confidence in the way I carry myself and interact with others. Understandably, that confidence translates to how I interact with my husband. When I feel good about myself, I show my affection more freely, am more open to intimacy, and make sure to strengthen our connection as husband and wife.