It is there. Always there. Lurking in the background waiting to show itself. I try, so desperately, to push it away. Make it not real. But it rises up, choking me. I am angry. I am bitter. Toward them. I try to try to forgive, but I can’t.

When I am around him and her, I attempt to keep the conversation light and about the children. No personal information. I know I seem cold and frigid. But I am barely holding myself together. I am afraid I will just lose all control I have. I use all my energy to get through whatever event we are at. I smile at my kids. I smile at the other parents. I smile at him and her. Yet my teeth are grinding together. My heart is racing. I want to escape. 

I can’t even look her in the eye. I can’t pretend that everything is just OK. Yes, the divorce is final. Yes, they are engaged. Yes, we are living our separate lives. But I am still picking up the pieces of my shattered heart and world. My scars are not healed. Some are still oozing from the piercing stabs of betrayal. I don’t want him anymore. I haven’t for a long time. But what was done over the months and years to me, I haven’t recovered from. Those events and deception have not been forgotten. I attempt to make the worse seem better. I work tirelessly to heal and to forgive. But I am stuck. 

I am very judgmental on the way they are living their life. Critical. Harsh. Even cruel. There are moments I want them to hurt as I have. I want them to suffer as I have. Gosh, this is so hard to admit. But I am. I know this makes me shallow. I know this is only hurting me. And I am on my knees nightly begging God to help me. Give me whatever I need to let go. To forgive. To release the anger that is surrounding my heart. 

I do not like these feelings. I hate how these negative emotions make me feel. They turn me into someone I don’t recognize. I know it turns me into this spiteful and catty woman. I don’t want to be this person. I am sick to my stomach right now. I know I need to apologize. I know I need to pull my big girl panties up and cut this crap out. 

It is no longer about that my marriage ended. My marriage ended long before the affair. I struggle with that to get what they wanted, they needed to manipulate, lie, and deceive. They didn’t think or care about how traumatic and painful the consequences of their actions would be to others. Their selfish actions broke me. Now I am left to pick up the pieces and expected to do it with a smile on my face. I am expected to get over it, move on with my life, and let it go. I am expected to live as though nothing has happened. To pretend it is all OK. 

I am desperate for peace. I want that so badly for myself. I get angry because I haven’t reached it yet. These are human emotions. Ones that I need to feel. Maybe if I finally allow myself to experience these emotions, I can move forward. I can’t keep anger and bitterness in my heart. I know this. But I have denied myself anger for so long, it is now overpowering me. I don’t know how to proceed. Is it time I need? Time heals all wounds. Is it God giving me another mountain I need to climb? So I become closer to Him and Heaven. I don’t know. 

I needed to confess all of this. I can’t keep it inside any longer. Trying to hide it and push it away is only making it worse. Pretending I don’t harbor anger toward them is hurting me. I am angry. I am bitter. I am working on this. I pray God grants me strength and courage to forgive. Just as He forgives me. I pray He guides me in figuring out how to loosen these ropes that are strangling me. I pray He presents me peace.