I’ll admit it

I’ve become scared of God.

There. I said it.

I am SCARED of God.

My life has been a series of difficult circumstances, especially recently. Just the last few years I’ve faced my child’s diagnosis, illness, constant hospitalizations, surgeries and the unknowns. Unfortunately, my child passed away. My worst fear became a reality. Shortly after, while the grief was still incredibly intense and raw, my other child was diagnosed with autism. Throughout all of this, I have struggled with my own health issues and our family has faced financial difficulty.

I hear people talk a lot about being mad at God. I guess it’s a pretty normal step to go through after facing a tragedy like losing a child.

 But me? I’ve become scared of Him.

It hurts to write those words. I became a Christian at a very young age. I’ve spent most of life trying to follow God. I found a lot of my identity in being a good Christian. God was my best friend.

I still want that.

But after my daughter died, I’ve felt this fear towards my Heavenly Father that I have never felt before.

If I’m honest, the thought that continually goes through my head is “If He took my daughter, what’s to say He won’t take my husband or my other kids? If I am angry at Him, will He punish me? What did I do wrong? Why did we lose our daughter? What am I being punished for?”

Deep down I know this is not how God operates. In my head I know God is a gracious and loving Father who has a purpose for everything. It’s a purpose we may not understand until Heaven.

Yet in my heart, I’m still scared of Him. And this fear has caused me to become totally distant in my relationship with my Savior.

Shortly after we lost our child, a group of ladies from church told me it was OK to be mad at God but only for a short time. I needed to be able move forward for the sake of my relationship with Him. Yet I’ve been too scared to be mad. So to keep from becoming angry, I’ve just become distant and detached; much like someone trying to avoid confrontation in a rocky marriage

I haven’t read my Bible regularly or prayed very often. We stopped going to church weekly. Any sense of spirituality has been just going through the motions. Basically, I have been faking it.

I have lots of excuses, really believable ones. But none of them address the fact that I am trying to hide from God.

I miss my relationship with Him though. And recently, I find myself trying to pick up the broken pieces. I’ve taken little steps to reconnect. I have been trying to get back into reading my Bible and talking to Him. I am getting to a place where I let Him know this fear towards Him that I feel. Yet I still keep God at a distance. I’ve been walking through the motions with no real connection. Too afraid to release what I am holding onto, too nervous to fully trust.

I need to stop holding on. It’s time to fully surrender.

God can deal with my emotions. He created them. I just need to find the strength to approach Him with what I feel. He can handle our anger, fear, and disbelief. It’s us that need to be able to release it all.

I think I’m slowly getting there.

I hope I’m getting there. I know He’s waiting for me with open arms. I need His unconditional love now more than ever.

Her View From Home

Millions of mothers connected by love, friendship, family and faith. Join our growing community. 1,000+ writers strong. We pay too!   Find more information on how you can become a writer on Her View From Home at https://herviewfromhome.com/contact-us/write-for-her//