“My husband had a vasectomy, and now I want a baby.” It sounds like the title of one of those scandalous drama-packed made for TV movies, but I confess it isn’t. This is actually the dominating thought playing on repeat through my mind after my husband has undergone the procedure, and when my mind actually takes a breather, it jumps in wonder to, “What is wrong with me?” and, “How do I stop this incessant desire?”

Our home is filled with four children. By our definition, we have a large family. I know I don’t want to be pregnant again, I know that for certain, but this whole process has mentally taken me to a place I’ve never been.

Did we make a decision we now regret?

No, this is truly what we wanted, and still want, I just went in blinded to the pain of the finality it brings. I’ve heard women talk of this process with an air of relief, as though it is a gift, displaying a thankful attitude of sorts. But for me, I’m not there, yet. For me, it’s been a reminder of the brevity of the life we live, and the moment we’re living now is one I hadn’t thought of experiencing, and honestly didn’t consider the grief that would accompany.

This stage of life and where our children are now is a wonderful place. We can do things that weren’t easily done with a newborn – and I like that – but I’m also grieving the truth that there won’t be any more pregnancy tests, no more flutter of little kicks in my belly, no more appointments to find out the gender, no more smell of a newborn, no more waking up to sit in awe and wonder over the peaceful sleep of a brand-new baby. No, there won’t be any more of this… and that’s ok. But I’m going to sit for a moment and grieve this transition, as we on our own chose to close this chapter in life’s book. And as I sit here I’ll remind myself – this IS normal. I know this because I have beautifully honest friends who I’ve shared this struggle with and they too confess to the same feelings, and wondered, “Am I normal in feeling this way?” and they’re far enough on the other side to be ok, and see the beauty of this stage of life.

I wonder, for those of you reading this, maybe you’re getting ready to walk down this same path, and you aren’t sure what to expect. Or maybe you sit at the same side of the table with me and your thoughts are jumping from place to place just like mine. If that’s you, I want you to realize it’s ok to not be ok in this moment. You see, the book of life in which we all live is filled with many chapters. Some are adventurous and filled with new beginnings. While others are grievous, presenting twists and turns we didn’t quite see coming. This is one such chapter. It’s ok to be happy with the decision you’ve made, and grieve it in the same breath because this chapter specifically was filled with many beautiful moments where you personally encountered the hand of God as he graciously presented you with life’s most precious gift. But don’t worry– that precious gift He has granted, that gift still needs you desperately. So sit there, rest a moment knowing this feeling is normal. Grieve, but don’t dwell for too long because that precious human being you’ve been entrusted needs you to continue on in being the mother you were designed to be by stepping into life’s next adventure-packed chapter.