I have a broken marriage but hardly anyone would know it.
I don’t talk about it. In fact, I have never opened up about it to my life-long friend. I have only talked to a couple of people, and they don’t even know the whole extent of it.
You see, I don’t talk about it much with anyone—God is the only one who knows the whole truth. He is the only one who truly sees every broken shard falling to the ground.
I know I should go to friends and ask for prayer. I know I should seek Godly counsel, but I think the reason I don’t is because I feel like a failure. Yep, a straight-up failure.
I feel embarrassed that my marriage seems so hard, that we let ourselves get to this place of brokenness.
We live in a world where it seems like everyone else has a perfect life. I see so many couples who appear to have it all together all around me. I scroll Facebook and I am inundated with pictures and posts of couples proclaiming their love. I see their smiling faces with their arms wrapped around each other, and my heart aches for what I don’t have.
I see couples at church serving together and who seem to be so connected. I hear other women talk lovingly about their husbands, and I see them interacting affectionately.
It feels like I am the only one whose marriage is broken.
It feels like I am the only one carrying this shame.
It feels like I am alone in my pain.
I want to hide it from all the world and hope it goes away, and to be honest, I would probably hide it from God too if I was able to.
But instead, He is working through my mess. I am learning to be completely reliant on Him. I am trusting that He is with me through this mighty storm. I am asking Him every day to change my heart first before my husband’s.
Some days are very hard, and I don’t feel much hope. I have wept to the point of feeling my soul ache. I have questioned God and I have doubted that I will ever see restoration, but I have also learned to cling to Him with every ounce of strength I have. I have learned to let the Spirit pray for me when I don’t have the words and I have seen the darkest night turn into new mercies in the morning.
My friend, this walk through a struggling marriage is not easy but God is watching. He is working in the midst of our storm.
I want you to know if you, too, are in a hard season, you are not alone.
From the outside looking in, no one would know the depths of my heartache, but it is right here under the appearance of being put together. It is hidden behind this smile, and I wonder how many other women that we know are hiding their pain behind their smiles too. I am sure we would be quite surprised at a few.
As the waves crash and the winds swirl around us we can trust that our God is working even when we can’t imagine how our story will end in a thing of beauty . . . but somehow, He will take these ashes we are holding and use it all for good.
While we are standing in this raging storm, I pray we can continue to praise Him for never leaving us and that one day soon we can become brave enough to speak of our struggles with other women to let them know they too are never alone.
And when the darkness clears and a rainbow appears, I pray we can share our stories to speak life into women who are walking through the same difficult journey and be a beacon of light to them. A beacon of light we could so desperately use right now.
Our hearts may be hurting. Our marriages may feel beyond the point of repair, but our God is a God who can make the impossible possible.
Hold on to Him and know one day—one day hopefully not too far off—our hearts will be healed, and we will speak to others about the God who walked us through the storm.
You aren’t alone, my friend.
I am walking through this painful journey right beside you.
And I am praying and trusting that our marriages will make it through.