I should have spent every waking moment with you. I should have been right there by your side through every difficult and challenging moment you faced. I should have moved hell and high water to make sure I was there.

But I didn’t. And I should have.

I’m sorry the first days of your precious little life were filled with strangers and wires and loud noises. I’m sorry you were being poked and prodded from the moment you finally opened those little eyes. I’m sorry that the angel nurses of the NICU were there for you when your mommy should have been.

But I wasn’t. And I’m sorry.

I should have fought harder to be with you. Physically, mentally—all of it. I should have pushed the doctors to let me come to you, and I should have pushed my own body to heal faster. I should have been sleeping next to your tiny little NICU incubator instead of a hospital bed of my own. I needed to have that superhuman strength moms are supposed to have.

But I didn’t. And I should have.

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I’m sorry it took me so long to get to you, my darling little girl. I’m sorry it didn’t all come naturally. I’m sorry we didn’t bond and click and connect the way we were supposed to. The way I dreamed of my whole life. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for every feeding, every diaper change, every morning round with your team of exceptional doctors. I’m sorry I wasn’t learning how to be a better mom and how to prepare to bring you home. I should have been doing all those things and more.

But I wasn’t. And I’m sorry.

I should have done more. I should have done better.

I should have made sure you and everyone around you knew I was going to love you and fiercely protect you for every single second of your life. I should have walked to you if I had to, and once I got there, I should have never left until you were leaving with me.

But I didn’t. And I should have.

I should have stayed in that room with you for so, so much longer.

RELATED: Your Heart Never Truly Leaves the NICU

I will never get those days, hours, minutes, or seconds with you back. I will never get over the fact that so much of your first week of life was spent without your mama holding your hand.

But I also know I will never leave your side. I will always protect you fiercely. I will always stay as long as you need me to.