Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

How do you write about something when you don’t really understand it yourself? Or when it all began? Or when you are still navigating your way through?

How do you write about something when for years you didn’t believe it could happen to you? Or was happening to you? Or that it even had a name?

How do you talk and share about something that sounds unreal? Or made up? Or so complex, complicated, and twisted it sounds straight out of a Lifetime movie script?

Yet it is real, true, and currently resulting in leaving you a messy, broken, wounded person sitting on the therapist’s couch fighting for peace and healing.

Because somehow, in some way, I am a person who has been emotionally abused.

Oh my gosh, I just started laughing when I typed that sentence out. Laughter in a hysterical, crying, hurting way. For when I think how the past years have been, I cannot believe it is really emotional abuse. But it is.

Lying. Manipulation. Deception. Gaslighting. Being taken advantage of. Belittling. Blame shifting. 

Add these all up and here I am. Living smack dab in the middle of psychological trauma that has given me anxiety, depression, and PTSD, leaving me with no self-confidence, feelings of worthlessness, and so much more. 

Not only did this abuse occur in the past, but it is occurring today.

The thing is, as I am trying to explain what is happening, it sounds quite silly in my own head. Because I have been trained for years to second guess every emotion, every thought, every choice I have.

Well, maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am not doing what is best for my kids. Maybe I am not seeing this from the other person’s viewpoint. Maybe I don’t understand. Maybe I am making this bigger than it is. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I don’t care enough. Maybe I am using my kids against him. Maybe I am not smart enough. Maybe I am bitter. Maybe I am the angry ex-wife.

Oh, did I tell you? It was my husband. Well. Ex-husband. Yes the man I loved, married, and had kids with emotionally abused me for years.

If you looked at me, you wouldn’t see me as someone who has been emotionally abused. I act happy, confident, steady, strong.

If you looked at him, you wouldn’t see someone who could emotionally abuse. He acts nice, clean-cut, successful, kind. Don’t worry. I don’t always believe it either. He cares about me. Or so I think. He never physically hurt me. So it isn’t that bad.

RELATED: “This is Not OK.” Woman Shares Powerful Story of Escaping Emotional Abuse

Was it on purpose? I don’t know. But see that is what happens. A hurt person hurts people. And rather than work on healing past wounds and life issues, he held on to controlling his life and seeking his happiness. For that to happen, he hurt me.

Little things.

He never believes what I say.

If he can’t believe me, then who else can. And I must not be very smart even though I have a college degree and a good job.

He questions my beliefs and actions in motherhood.

If he questions me as a mom, then maybe I really am not a very good one. Or maybe I don’t know what is best for my kids since their dad doesn’t think so.

Sneaky things.

Telling me he doesn’t think I am strong enough to get through divorce.

Lying to me about money, jobs, and friends.

Saying he wants to support me, yet legally attacks me.

Making me feel worthless and unlovable.

Accusing me of actions he did.

Big things.

Using our children as a weapon against me.

Sleeping with another woman within our marriage.

Attempting to turn family and friends away from me.

And all of this is my fault. I did this. Didn’t I?

I no longer know what is real. What is right. What is logical. The abuse has taken me from strong, capable, and steady to anxious, scared, and confused.

RELATED: Dear Friend, You Deserve More Than the Abuse You Keep Returning To With Him

I no longer feel safe. Whenever I must communicate with him. Whenever I must physically interact with him. Whenever I hear his name.

I no longer trust. Anyone. Any situation. Any event.

I no longer believe. In my judgement. In my beliefs. In my self-worth. In my ability. In my rights.

The thing about emotional abuse is it has been happening slowly over time for years and now I am exactly what he wanted me to be. Someone who never said no to him, gave him whatever he wanted, and never stood up for herself.

I remember times when I would get so angry at the situation that was occurring. I would attempt to reason with him. I would speak the truth and facts. Yet, he was able to twist everything back around. Holding me responsible for his actions. Confusing me. Leaving me baffled about what just happened. Is this real? When we were married, I just thought it is what marriage is like. What he is like. This is just who he is. I can’t change him, so I must change. For him. For our marriage to work. For our home to be happy.

During the divorce process and after, I thought this is just divorce. This is what co-parenting is. This is what adding in another person to the already complex dynamic is. When I shared with my therapist and friends conversations I had with my ex, they couldn’t fathom how wrong and contorted the situation was.

Until six months ago, I thought this was all normal. Well, normal for me.

The actions that have been occurring to me were given a label.

RELATED: An Open Letter To My Abuser: My Ex Husband

Since that day, I have been working to set myself free. Free from psychological abuse. Free from the gaslighting. Free from the controlling words and actions. Free from the power his actions have over me. Free from feeling scared and unsafe around him.

I know this won’t be easy. I have already been working hard at healing from divorce. I know this will take time. Maybe the rest of my life. I know this will never stop unless I take the steps to walk away from it all. Even though I can’t walk away fully.

Here I am. Saying this out loud.

I have been and am being emotionally abused. 

One day, I will be an emotional abuse survivor. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Her View From Home

Millions of mothers connected by love, friendship, family and faith. Join our growing community. 1,000+ writers strong. We pay too!   Find more information on how you can become a writer on Her View From Home at https://herviewfromhome.com/contact-us/write-for-her//

The Isolation of Motherhood

In: Friendship, Motherhood
Mom sitting beside stroller, black and white image

During my early years of having children, I can recall feeling like I needed more help with juggling—taking care of my little ones and our home. Although my mother-in-law was only a 10-minute drive away, she was preoccupied looking after my nephew and nieces. Awkwardly, I would only ask if it was really necessary—like a doctor’s appointment or the dentist. Even at church, it was difficult to ask for help—either we didn’t know certain members well enough to entrust our kids to their care or they were friends with children too and that hardly seemed fair to burden them. The...

Keep Reading

The Abuse Was Never Your Fault

In: Living
Silhouette of curly hair woman in sunset

Trigger warning: this post addresses abuse. “You were a rebellious teenager, it was your fault.” Those words have been said to me more than they ever should have been. As a teen, I was groomed into relationships with men 10 years older than me. Men groomed me, and because I thought it was love and I “consented” to it, the adults around me didn’t protect me and blamed it on my being a rebellious teenager. To this day some people in my life continue to tell themselves and others that it was my fault to avoid the guilt of knowing...

Keep Reading

Sometimes Love Means Slowing Down

In: Friendship, Kids
Two boys on bicycles riding to park, shown from behind

Think of something faster than a 7-year-old boy on a two-wheel bike. Maybe a race car at the drop of the checkered flag? Perhaps a rocket ship blasting into space? Or how quickly a toddler mom books it out of the house after being told she can have a hands-free hour ALONE in Target. Yes, all of these things are seriously speedy, but I have still never seen anything quite as quick as a boy on a bike on a sunny day with endless open track ahead of him. Until today. Today, my 6-year-old son wanted to ride bikes with...

Keep Reading

To the Mom Going through a Divorce

In: Living, Marriage, Motherhood
Woman holding young girl outside, blurred background

To the mom going through a divorce: you can do this. I’ve been where you are, staring at a mountain of changes and challenges that felt insurmountable. The crushing ache of divorce, of family disruption, of building a new life, and helping my son through it all seemed endless and impossible. But eventually, I made it through to the other side, and I want you to know: the pain won’t last forever.  The first year following a divorce is an overwhelming puzzle of putting your life back together. And when there are kids involved, there is so much more to...

Keep Reading

I Wish My Family Could See More than My Faults

In: Living
Mom standing with child on dirt road

I am and always will be a self-described mini-train wreck. I’m disorganized, have trouble keeping my house clean, and my kids aren’t perfect angels. In my home, we have fights, slammed doors, foul language, and dirty dishes in the sink.  I sometimes go in the bathroom and cry so hard my mascara streaks down my cheeks—that is, when I wear mascara. Usually sans makeup and hair tied with an old scrunchy is the look I often rock.  I’m notoriously terrible about making appointments for myself, I’m constantly tired, and my nails could stand a good manicure.  I’m overweight, and I...

Keep Reading

There’s Something Special about Old Friends

In: Friendship, Living
College of pictures of friends, black-and-white photo

There is much to be said about old friends. In quotes, in the five regrets of the dying, in The Golden Girls theme song. But life gets busy, doesn’t it? It gets complicated—marriages, jobs, kids, errands. Friendships that were once part of us seem to fade into the background as lives grow and shift.  Being the always optimist, the queen of nostalgia, the friend who probably holds on just a little too tight, I have always seen the value in the old. The familiar. I’m the person who orders the same menu item every time at my favorite restaurant. I’m...

Keep Reading

8 Fight Songs for the Single Mom

In: Faith, Living, Motherhood
Woman holding earbuds in ears

They whispered to her: You cannot withstand the storm. I have had days when the storms hit me while I sat on the shower floor with my knees to my chest feeling completely defeated, letting the hot water beat down on my body. I have had nights when the storms hit me as tears stained my pillow. As time has moved on, I am learning how to beat the storms. This is only possible because of the family and friends that God has brought into my life. This is my fight song. These are and have been my take back...

Keep Reading

Take the Trip, You Won’t Regret It

In: Kids, Living, Motherhood

Two years ago, in the middle of a snowy, windy, Colorado March, my husband and I made the spontaneous decision to road trip to Arizona with our three very young kids.  Even though I was excited, the nerves were so very real. Over the next couple of weeks, I literally lost sleep worrying about the logistics of our trip. My late-night mindless scrolling was replaced by searches like “traveling with toddlers” and “keeping kids entertained on road trips”. We already had our hands full chasing kids at home in a familiar setting. Were we crazy to think we could just...

Keep Reading

Bust Out the Clipboard of Fun: It’s 90s Con Weekend!

In: Living
Candace Cameron Bure Andrea Barber on an airplane, taking a selfie with sleeping woman by window

In a world divided by basically everything, there’s one thing we all can agree on: growing up in the ’90s was the absolute best. You were dialing up to the internet on a monstrosity of a computer, probably with a free trial of AOL your parents got in the mail. You had a Discman with double bass boost and a sweet pair of Sony headphones with those foam pads over the ears. If you were lucky, your friend down the street had the coveted clear telephone AND a dedicated teen line. And every day after school, you cracked open some...

Keep Reading

Don’t Delete the Picture You Think You Look Bad In

In: Grief, Living, Loss
Woman holding phone with picture of her and daughter, color photo

Don’t delete the picture—the one you look bad in. I said it. You heard me. Don’t delete the picture, that picture—you know the one, the one with the double chin or the bad angle. The picture that is not so flattering. The picture that accentuates your forehead lines or the one taken next to your skinny best friend. We are all so hard on ourselves. Many of us are striving for a better complexion or a thinner physique. Sometimes scrutinizing ourselves and zooming in on a picture—seeing things the world does not see. Don’t delete the picture. RELATED: Take the...

Keep Reading