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I have tried so hard over the past few years, to leave behind the pain and hurt that you caused. I’ve tried so hard to take the high road while you refuse to. I have wanted nothing more than to make the best of a bad situation for the sake of our kids. But you still seem hell bent on trying to make my life difficult. I have tried to make whatever limited contact we have to be pleasant and cordial. Yet you seem to find a way to try to get under my skin. I so badly want to lash out at you. But I know the second I do, I have let you win. And I will NOT give you that satisfaction.

What infuriates me is that to everyone else you seem like a decent guy. I seriously wish I could tell everyone what you’re really like. I want so much to let everyone know how childish, narcissistic and vindictive you really are. How in the world did I not see what you were really like before we got married? Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to marry you. But if I did, I wouldn’t have the fabulous children we now have. My constant battle is fighting any influences you had on them. I see them behave the way you do, and I hate it. I hate the example you have set for them. At times, they treat me like you did and think it’s OK, like you did. And I’ve “allowed” it because of the guilt I feel for putting them through this. I find myself wondering why it’s so much easier for them to be that way as opposed to the kind, caring and compassionate human beings I’ve tried so hard to raise. They blame me for the divorce, and I get that. 

If your abuse would have been physically visible maybe then people would know, maybe our kids would be more understanding. Unfortunately, your wounds were not visible. Not even to myself for quite some time. No ones knows how many nights I cried alone on the bathroom floor after cleaning myself up, after you selfishly had your way with me. I laid there, trying to convince myself that THIS was love. That this was being a “good” wife. When all the time I knew deep in my soul it wasn’t. Many times I find myself wishing God would have taken you when you had your accident. I know that’s a terrible thing to say and I feel horrible for saying it. But at least it’s honest. 

I feel sorry for you. That you can’t see the error of your ways. You can’t see how ridiculous you really are. That you can not see that was not how you treat someone you love. That you can’t see how your actions affect others, especially our children. I believe it’s the only way that I’ve been able to forgive you. I’ve struggled so many times with the divorce. Did I do the right thing? Will God forgive me? But you constantly do and say things that make me feel validation in my decision. So maybe I should be thanking you for that. You used to use scripture against me saying how much God hates divorce. But I have come to believe that God hates the way you treated me and I’m pretty sure it is NOT what he intended for marriage. You blame me for the divorce, but I’m guessing it’s so you don’t feel guilty about your actions.

I’ve given up on thinking you could ever be a decent man. I only hope and pray that the goodness in me can outweigh any bad that you have influenced on our kids, and I am going to try with every ounce of my being to make that happen.

Accepting love has been difficult. I almost feel like I don’t deserve to be treated so nice. It feels so foreign. I remind myself that even though you might be the norm, it certainly isn’t normal. There ARE good men out there, just very hard to find. And I am going to try with all my might to forget the abuse you inflicted and find the love and respect that I, and each and every human being, deserves. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

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