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They say, marry the man who . . . 

Holds open the door for you.

Gives you flowers on your birthday.

Carries the heavy groceries for ysou.

Makes coffee for you in the morning.

Tells you how much he loves you every day.

Messages you in the middle of the afternoon to tell you he’s thinking about you.

Plans date nights for the two of you.

But what if the man you married doesn’t do all or any of these things? Or what if he does them, but he doesn’t do them consistently?

He’s so unlike those other husbands who just seem so stellar in comparison to yours.

Because your husband? Well, he doesn’t always hold open the door for you. And you still remember that one year he forgot to get you flowers on your birthday. Or the time he was so absentminded he forgot to help you with the heaviest bag of groceries. Sometimes he’s still half-asleep and forgets to brew that morning coffee for you. And it’s only on rare occasions when he remembers to say I love you before you call it a night. Text you in the middle of the day? You can’t recall the last time that happened. And date nights? Well, you’re already used to planning those.

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Come to think of it, the man you married may not seem all that appealing right now.

Thoughts creep into your head, Did I marry the wrong man? My husband doesn’t do any of these things for me, and if he does, it’s definitely not consistently.

Followed by another thought, Why does it seem like everyone I know married the right man?

You make a mental list of all the ways your husband is lacking.

Every time you read (or see) another social media post about another husband doing the things your husband doesn’t do, your list gets longer.  You experience that twinge of jealousy. Your resentment grows.

Here’s a secret. Those wonderful husbands you see and read about? They’re not so wonderful, at least not all the time. They may not do the things your husband does for you. Or they may do things you’re glad your husband doesn’t do.

Don’t compare when you’re only seeing the highlight reel.

Don’t lament over the kind of man your husband is not.

Instead, look for and focus on all the things he is. I know it can be hard to do this. And some days it can seem downright impossible. But try. Really try.

Because if in your heart of hearts you know you married a man who is good for you, then these things don’t really matter. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t always open the door for you or if he forgets to tell you how much he’s thinking of you and loves you. Or that he neglected to make coffee for you for the third straight day in a row.

Even though it seems like these things should matter because we live in a society that tells us so, it doesn’t have to matter.

And if these things do matter to you and your husband doesn’t do them, then please tell him they matter to you. That may be an eye-opener for him.

But if he still fails to do these things after you’ve told him how much they mean to you, give him some grace. Because guess what? Even good men–good husbands–screw up at times. (A lot of times.)

So be thankful for the man you chose to marry.

The man you decided was right for you because he was all the things you needed him to be for you to say “I do.”

RELATED: Marriage Isn’t About Your Happiness

Because chances are, you married a man you saw yourself growing old together with. Sharing a life together with. And maybe at one point in time, your husband did hold the door open for you or bring you a dozen long-stemmed roses on your birthday, or plan the most romantic date night ever.

But perhaps today, all your husband did was just help you match and fold all those tiny socks you hate sorting in the laundry basket. (He didn’t sort all the clothes in the laundry basket, just the socks, without you having to ask.)

It seems so trivial. So minuscule in comparison to everything you’ve done today, or that your husband ought to have done.

But maybe it’s enough. Maybe it’s all you truly needed from the man you married, right at the very moment you needed it the most.

Wendy C

Wendy C has been married over a decade to her husband. They have three children together. She has been published on Scary MommyThe Globe & Mail,  Filter Free Parents and the Yummy Mummy Club.  In her spare time, she creates custom cakes and cupcakes at Wendy’s Cake Shoppe.

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