By Jehava Brown 
I knew that turning 40 needed to be a life-changing event for me. I knew some of my behaviors were childish, unhealthy, and immature, and I had a really bad pattern of allowing unhealthy relationships in my life. Therapy helped me realize that, and I was ready to put a stop to it and choose a healthier life in all aspects.
I wanted to understand and stop these patterns and live a happier life less focused on pleasing others. I still wanted to love others well and put intention into that, but I knew it was time to stop playing the martyr and allowing so many unbalanced relationships in my life.
I’ve been around many friends who have turned 40 in the last few years, and I’ve seen some take it as a fresh, empowering start while others continued the patterns they had at 21. I wanted this birthday to be a line in the sand to make the hard decisions to do better, and life had a way of giving me a boost to start that process through various heartbreaks, disappointments, and seeing the true colors of those I held to a higher standard.
In the last few years, I’ve felt God pulling at my heartstrings and challenging me to make some serious changes in my life, but some things I wasn’t ready to let go of and change within myself and within my circles, and I knew it was time. Patterns are hard to break and sometimes the things that cause us pain can even be addicting when that is all we know. Therapy helped me discover why I was attracting people who would hurt me and leave me broken, and the part I was playing in it as well.
I knew it would be super hard, but I was ready to draw a line in the sand for my own personal growth and to elevate my life to another level—I knew that was going to take some hard choices, so I made one major decision that has already changed everything: I stopped begging people to do right by me. To consider me. To treat me with respect. To do me how I would do them. To be kind and loving and thoughtful to me.
I stopped spending so much energy convincing people to value me and treat me with love and care.
I stopped breaking my own heart by engaging in relationships that constantly hurt me and didn’t care enough about my feelings to show any care in action.
I started pouring that energy into my healthy, balanced relationships and back into myself—finally putting my needs and care above making others happy and focusing on their joy and what they needed from me.
Hear me out on what I mean by this . . . I am a lover and giver. If you are into astrology, I’m a Leo all day—the most generous sign—but it has kicked me in the butt and caused lots of resentment to those I’ve let inside my inner circle. I’ve learned the balance in painful ways of showing up for others without abandoning myself and my needs, realizing most people will never do that for me in return. It was my own fault for putting others above myself, but I’ve always wanted to love people well.
Lots of that comes from my faith and believing Jesus put us on this earth to spread His love, and my hope when I am gone is that I positively impacted people, gave meaningful experiences and memories, and showed up for them in a sacrificial way even when it wasn’t convenient. I don’t believe our lives are just about ourselves or our own happiness—they’re also about adding love and happiness to the lives around us.
However, I have done that at my own expense, which has caused outstanding hurt, resentment, and even anger. Anger at others but even anger at myself for poor boundaries and giving to those who will always choose themselves over being there for me. I pride myself on being consistent, affirming, loving, and thoughtful; I say this not to boast about myself, but to help you understand my character and values.
In romantic relationships and friendships, I practice consistency and make sure those I love feel important, cared for, and loved through words and actions. I hope for that in return, but at times the people I have chosen are incapable of loving past themselves. This is a pattern from my trauma and trying to change people who are broken and selfish versus pouring my gifts, finances, and time into those who would reciprocate in a healthy way.
Let me be clear, I have been growing in this over the years and have some amazing friendships in my life. Best friends others could only hope for. They are mutual, loving, intentional, consistent, and caring—no matter what we go through. However, I have still struggled with attracting people who take advantage of my kindness and giving nature and use it for their benefit, and then I’m left out to dry when I need it back, and when it matters most.
I have spent so much of my life having conversations or sending paragraphs to explain my feelings about why I’m hurt and hoping someone will treat me better after hearing my heart, hoping my vulnerability will help them see the impact of their actions—their selfishness or lack of thought for me—and change would follow.
It does nothing. It just leaves me drained, with more hurt and resentment. So I made a pact to myself to stop. These words are my accountability, and I hope they encourage those of you living this way to look inside, set boundaries, and prioritize more life-giving relationships.
Accepting someone’s behaviors without pleading for them to do better as a friend or partner and adjusting accordingly has been one of the most powerful things I’ve done. For me, that means having the strength to walk away from someone I care about because they don’t show they care for me, don’t have my back, or wouldn’t do a quarter of what I’ve done to make them feel loved.
It’s been a peaceful decision because it has freed me from holding onto hope that a person would change for the better. I now accept that people come and go and there are friendships and romantic relationships that will value me, reciprocate care, and show up for me well, and I need to be more selective about who I am pouring myself into.
I will no longer fight for people to show up for me. I accept that they are not and will not and let things fizzle out or walk away when necessary. My energy and the people I pour into need to be rooted in wisdom, not empathy.
Letting people show you who they really are, not who you want them to be, then making choices from that perspective is one of the most freeing and empowering decisions you can make.
Pour into places and people where you are valued, where it’s mutual and reciprocated and healthy. Because at 40, I realized anything else is a waste of time, effort, and the gifts God has given me. Here’s to letting go of hurtful, unhealthy relationships and finding your people who show up for you the same way you would—and do—for them.
Originally published on the author’s blog
by Jenni Brennan 
by Whitney Fleming 
