My heart wishes so badly for a deep friendship. You know the kind, like the gals from I Mom So Hard, or the fictional ones from TV. A friendship where we talk every day, hang out weekly, and whenever as our most disheveled selves with absolutely no judgment. Someone I’m comfortable with, like the sister I never had.

I don’t know if that even exists, but it sure is portrayed in the world like it is. And the world is telling me I need that. Whether it’s a small group or just one person, the world is telling me I need someone else (other than my husband) to complete me.

I finally had a friend who was starting to look like that, even having kids close in age. Then I moved over 1000 miles away. Leaving her and the friendship we had built was the only thing I regretted. Then we moved back six months later, and that friendship all of a sudden had a wall built up.

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I had hurt her. I know she’d never admit it, but I knew my leaving broke her trust. And so the closest thing I’ve had to a best friend in my adult life crumbled. We barely see each other anymore, and we talk even less. It hurts.

My heart always hurts over losing friendships.

And with the world the way it is, politics, and my strong faith, other friendships have fizzled out as well. I only speak to one of my four bridesmaids, and even that friendship isn’t what it used to be.

To be honest, I feel not good enough. I feel like I’m not worthy. For some, I’m too Christian. For others, I’m not Christian enough, not pure enough. I let my kids go trick-or-treating, but I don’t let them dress as anything evil. I say too many bad words, or I don’t say enough. I drink wine on the weekends, while others are drinking on weekdays or not at all. My kids watch too much TV, but I’m very selective in what they watch. I homeschool instead of sending my kids to private or even public school. I complain too much. I don’t pray enough.

I just feel like who I am isn’t enough.

But you know what? I am enough in Christ.

He will not leave me, nor will He forsake me. He accepts me as I am. He knows my faults. He makes me want to be better. I am not here to please the world. I am here to please God. But at the same time, I am human, and God knows I will fall short.

Although I wish I could hold onto friendships lost or find someone willing to put in the effort to be my person, those are worldly things I am coveting. The bad news is people are people. Humans are humans. We all sin. We all fall short. We all have our baggage. We will intentionally and unintentionally hurt each other.

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The good news? God does not do that. God does not leave. God is the only one who can fill that hole in us.

So I choose to find my worth in Him. I choose to honor Him. I choose to put in the effort to know Him.

I grow closer to God because that is the relationship that matters. That is the relationship that affects all of the other relationships in my life.

In Christ, I am whole, I am loved, and though I am judged, I am forgiven.

Above all, I am loved for exactly who I am.

Alyssa Hurlbert

I live in Northern California with my husband and our two kids. Writing has always been healing for me, and when my daughter was born 2 years ago I realized my words could be healing for others as well. This motherhood thing is hard sometimes, but we don't have to go through it alone.